Waiting

Mood Rating: 5-6/10

I'm seeing my care coordinator tomorrow and the appointment's not coming soon enough. I cried for no reason the other night and I've been feeling a bit low for a few days now. Whether I'll have the medication increased, I don't know. I've noticed old thought processes coming back, i.e. someone mentioned dying on TV and I caught myself thinking lucky thing. It's not a conscious thought, they just pop into my head. It's been happening more and more often over the past week.

This is the kind of thing that I should tell my husband about so that he can make a more informed decision about what to do, but it's just too hard to say. I'm seeing my pdoc next week, so hopefully he'll be able to help. I'd love to get started on some therapy, but we can't afford private therapy and the chances of me getting it on the NHS are slim to none. I am visiting the Acre Day Hospital again tomorrow to meet with my key worker, and she's into CBT; maybe she'll have something more to offer. Thing is, the Acre tend to work in groups which I'm not very interested in. I think that hearing a load of other people talking about their problems will just bring me down even more. I need one-to-one treatment.

I'm finding it really difficult to work again, too. Not working just makes me feel worse because I know that I'm capable of it, but I just can't do it. Also, not working means that I'll be skint again next month. Had I got the promotion, I'd have had no reason not to work. Being self-employed gives me too much lea way. The promotion would have meant that I'd have been employed so I'd have had no excuse.

There's so many people out there that are worse off than me. I wish that meant more to me than it does. I can realise that there are people who suffer far more than I, but it doesn't make my pain any less harrowing. I'm really struggling to come to terms with this illness and all that it holds.

A Little Low

Mood Rating 5-6/10

Just a little low today and I'm not sure why. I've got a cold which is really hanging on, so I think that could be getting to me. My husband's also come down with it, so he's still in bed. It's a Bank Holiday and I'd have liked to have done something today, but I don't think either of us are up to doing much.

I'm making myself sick by watching property programmes. I need out of this flat; it's really getting to me. I just want to be able to throw open some doors to a garden; be able to have a coffee in the garden each morning; go upstairs to bed.

I've also come to realise that I need just a touch of drama in my life. Most people are happy to plod along with everyday life, but I'm not. I need a project or an interest - something short-term - to keep me on my toes. At the moment there's nothing like that in my life. I don't know where to start with our flat in order to get it in a good salable state otherwise that would keep me going, maybe.

I just feel like everyone around me is moving on in life whilst we're stuck in a rut. I'm unsure of whether or not I want children. My reservations lie in my illness. I'd hate to pass this affliction on to my children, and even if I didn't, would I be able to cope? Also, I've only just started to go out and have fun for the first time in about 8 years. A child would definitely make a big impact there.

Life just has no direction right now. I wish I knew where to start to change that.

Deflated

Mood Rating 5/10

It's 3.17am and I'm finally getting sleepy (Olanzipine helps). I went out at 5.30pm, had a pretty good night, but then came 'home time'. The feeling wasn't as bad as it has been in the past, but I'd definitely be happier if I didn't have to come back here after a night out.

To top off this hating home thing, I finally sat down and looked at our finances the other day. We won't be moving anytime soon. I think our best option is to sell up and rent for a while. We can bank the equity from the sale of the flat and earn interest for a while and take our time finding somewhere to buy. Hopefully, we'll get out at the right time and get somewhere later on down the line. There's still things to finish off in the flat, but if we worked at it, we could be out by Christmas - it's doubtful though. Motivating my husband is like trying to push a rhino uphill; he's just so laid back.

I filled out a questionnaire just now on having bipolar; it's for research. One of the questions was, "If you could flick a switch and rid yourself of everything to do with bipolar, would you?" I ticked 'Yes'. I wouldn't care if it changed me beyond recognition, I'd still do it. It's tiring and very stressful. I'm not convinced that my drugs will always work, so I never know whether there's a 'crash' just around the corner or not. I have the feeling that my pdoc will increase the dose when I visit him on 5 June.

I've gone back to smoking cannabis again. I'm doing it about 3/4 times a week. It's not even to help me sleep now, it's more just to help me get away from it all for a while. I've even bought some legal drugs, a kind of legal Ecstasy. I don't know whether the stuff works or not, but I need something. I don't want to be me, but what choice do I have? I can't change that so getting away from myself with the help of drugs is the next best thing. I hope they turn up soon.

Nothing to Report...

Things have been pretty quiet since my last post. Hubby managed to sort out the problems with the bank and although he'd overspent, it wasn't half as bad as it sounded.

I had an urge to get out of the house today and I ended up mailing for my husband's boss. I'm coming down with a cold and a sore throat so I'm pretty wiped out, but my mood is still pretty stable.

I've yet to hear about the Disability Living Allowance, so I'm hoping that they'll backdate the payments if I get it. I sure could do with some extra cash right now. Having not worked a great deal last month, it's been really tight this month. The sales on eBay will see me through, but next month won't be that great either.

Sadly, as far as I'm aware, I haven't got the promotion. I think it was pretty close though from what I've been able to gather. Another position may come up in another few months, so until then I'll just have to keep slogging away at it. It's a shame, but at least it hasn't got me down; I did wonder.

Had a lovely night out on Friday. I went to a local pub for my brother's birthday at about 4.30pm. My husband came to meet me at about 8pm and at around 9pm we went for a meal. It was really nice to spend some time with just my husband on his own and out of the house. It's rare that we spend time out together.

Nothing much else to report. The care coordinator phoned whilst I was out today. I'm to call her if I need to otherwise I'll see her on 31 May. I doubt that I'll need to call her. I'm feeling pretty good aside from the cold.

One Thing After Another

Mood Rating: 5/10

I can't believe it. I opened my husband's mail today only to find that he's overdrawn on an account that is meant to be defunct. He's also reclaimed some bank charges on that account and the bank credited him with £1,500. That's obviously not covered what he's overdrawn. He hasn't said a word to me about it, and the account has been in this state since September 2006. I've lost count of how many times he's done this. He managed to get himself into £13K worth of debt before now. I just can't believe he's doing it again.

All this just reminds me that we're going to be stuck in this flat forever more. If he can't manage his finances now when he only pays about £400 a month towards the home, there's no way he'd cope with a house. I feel like life is on pause all the time. There's just no progression anymore. Every time I think we're getting somewhere, I find out that he's in debt again. I'm so sick and tired of it. Is anything worth this shit?

Under the Weather

Mood Rating: 5-6/10

Feeling a little off today. I'm really tired and I have no energy. I'm not feeling depressed as such, but I'm definitely below par.

Went to the Acre Day Hospital yesterday to be assessed for suitability. I was only there about 20 minutes to half an hour, but I'm not keen on returning. There was nothing wrong with place, and the people seemed okay, but I just don't think it's for me. I think that joining a group would make me dwell on things more than if I were left to my own devices. The guy I met with thinks that my care coordinator will urge me to join, but I'm going to be strong and refuse. Like most people, even though I suffer with mental illness, I've got this preconceived idea of what the people would be like. It was kind of backed up by the guy I met with when he said that I may be, "A little too advanced," for the groups, meaning that I'm quite self-sufficient, I'm holding down a job, etc. Being stuck with people who are not working and are very ill would just drag me down. I don't doubt that this kind of group therapy works for some people, but it's just not my thing.

Anyway, my case is being handed back to the care coordinator tomorrow morning. I think that I'll be pretty much left to deal with things alone after that as I've progressed very well in such a short period of time. This suits me just fine at the moment, and it's nice to know that there is help out there should things go horribly wrong again. I don't think that they will, though. I'm not considering suicide at all right now, in fact, I'm barely thinking of it at all. I'm taking every day as it comes, which is really great. I'm not stressing about work like I have done, and I'm not so bad about being at home all the time. I would like to get out more, but money is a bit tight right now.

I still haven't heard any more about the promotion at work, but as I've said, I'm not very hopeful. I do worry a little that if I got the job, the stress may affect me, but I think I'd cope. It would mean that my husband and I could move house. I think our current home holds a lot of bad history for me. Since we've been here I've had to leave formal work due to panic attacks, I found my husband chatting up women online, I had an operation, I found that hubby had run up £13K worth of debt, he got the push from his old job, etc, etc. There are very few happy memories. I think I need a real change of scenery.

Mood Rating: 7/10

I'm still feeling extremely stable, and my confidence is slowly increasing, so much so that I took myself to the supermarket alone yesterday, something I haven't done in about 8 years. I did have a little panic in there, but nothing too stressful. It made me feel like a normal person for once. How sad and pathetic.

I still haven't heard anything more about my application for Disability Living Allowance. They were going to write to my GP, so I expect that will take some time. It'd be nice if I got it and it was backdated. Because I didn't work very much last month, I'm rather skint now. I'm selling a load of clothes on eBay, so that should help.

I'm not particularly looking forward to my visit to the Acre Day Hospital tomorrow. I doubt that they'll accept me anyway; here's hoping. On Thursday, the Crisis Team are coming to hand my case back to the care coordinator. That's quite a landmark, I guess.

I've started working again, but I'm not setting myself any targets, I'm just working when I feel like it so as to not put too much pressure on myself. I'm not at the standard I was, but I'm still earning. I haven't heard anything more about the promotion, but I'm not very hopeful anyway; there are people who are much better at it than I am.

Speaking of work, I should get on really :0)

Normality

Mood Rating: 6-7/10

I think I've reached a plateau. I've remained stable for well over a week now, and I'm beginning to feel like a normal person again. I haven't cried or welled up since the meeting with the clinical psychologist, so I'm obviously doing well. It feels pretty good, although I've a niggling feeling that a crash is never too far away. I think that that's due to worry rather than there actually being a crash; I'm a bit dubious about saying how well I feel in case it tempts fate.

My husband's out for the day tomorrow, so I think I'll throw myself into work. I'm not really looking forward to it, to be honest, but it's something that I need to get used to.

The Crisis Team aren't visiting again this week. They're going to phone on Monday or Tuesday to arrange an appointment with myself and the Care Co-ordinator so that they can hand my case back to her. I'm out of the woods, so the Crisis Team will step back, but they'll be there should I need them again in the future. I supoose it's a bit of a landmark, and I certainly feel as though I don't really need them again at the moment.

I'm going to visit the Acre Day Hospital on Tuesday. It's name instills fear into me, but it's a place for people who suffer any type of mental illness to go and chill, basically. They run short courses on relaxation, anxiety, creative writing, etc. I've agreed to visit the place, but I'm not at all keen. You're assessed to see whether any of the courses they run would suit you. I've got the feeling that they may turn me away - I can hope.

Irritable

I'm really irritable today and I have gained some side-effects from the Olanzipine, I think. I feel like I've been out on a boat all day, or like I'm walking on a springy floor. That's better that the irritability though.

On Friday night, I was going to stay at a friend's. It was late, I was tired and I had a headache. Hubby made me come home at 3.35am. Now he keeps bringing it up all the time. Also, I know that he's telling people stories but in such a way as it makes him look good. He's a past master at this, and it's really gotten to me today. I'm sick of it. He even does this to my mum.

I'll have to ask the pdoc whether all this is down to my meds.

I'm still feeling pretty good despite my mood and the side-effects. I reckon I'm about a 7/10 at the moment, but I've got another headache from stressing so much. I really feel like I need a break - from my marriage, from my home town, from everything really. I've been offered to go out to Spain anytime in the next 3 months, but I'm not sure I could manage the flight on my own. Thing is, if I don't go, something's got to give, and I suspect it'd be my relationship with my husband.

Remaining Stable

Mood Rating: 7/10

Well, here we are on Bank Holiday Monday and I haven't taken a dive. Friday night was okay, although I felt pretty old in the nightclub. However, I've now done it, even if I did sit in a corner. I didn't stay long as I got a headache - most likely caused by the alcohol - so I left at about 1.30am. I was going to stay at a friend's house, but my husband demanded that I come home. He was pretty miffed because he said he was looking forward to me coming home. We sorted that argument quickly, though.

Saturday was a quiet day. We went to the supermarket together; I even managed to stroll off to look at stuff on my own. In the evening we watched a movie. On Sunday we went to a chocolate fountain party at a friend's as they've bought a catering fountain to do functions. It was gorgeous, and I tackled another phobia: eating in front of a large group of people. A large glass of wine probably helped there. 1 glass and I was pretty wrecked; must be the tablets. In the evening I was meant to meet a friend for a drink in town, but I didn't end up going because I got home and I was knackered. I just wanted to veg in front of the TV.

One of the Crisis Team is going to visit me today. I'm looking forward to telling them that I feel really stable at the moment. I think this may be the last week that they'll visit as I've done so well. I'm even managing work a bit more. I've already worked for an hour today, and it's been busy so the money's pretty good.

When I am finally left to my own devices, I need to remember that my health is more important than work. I can't keep pushing myself to earn mega bucks when it makes me ill. I need to focus on relaxing, too, because, quite often, I'll work until bedtime and then I find it hard to sleep, understandably.

Maybe all of this has been a blessing in disguise. I've learnt that my priorities are all wrong; that I need to relax more; that I have issues that still need addressing, etc. It's very easy to forget all of this normally, but as I react so badly, I need to focus on myself and my moods more. It sounds selfish, but if I don't take care of my mental health, it gets out of hand.

I'm going to do a little bit more work then have a tidy up before the Crisis Team visit.

Feeling Better

Mood Rating: 8/10

The title says it all, really. I'm feeling much better - I've even negotiated with the Crisis Team so that they'll only phone on Sunday, so I won't be seeing them until next week. I wanted to see how I would handle the weekend on my own. But, whatever the weekend brings, I am feeling positive.

I'm off out with my brother's girlfriend this evening. I'm going to meet my husband from work for a drink, then the girlfriend will me us a bit later. We're on the guest list of a local nightclub, too - I haven't been clubbing for about 7 years. This is quite a big hurdle for me because of my social phobia, but I'm going to really force myself to enjoy it. The girlfriend knows a lot of people in there anyway, so if it does prove to be a bit much, I can probably leave.

Bree visited again yesterday. We went over everything we'd spoken about on Tuesday, and she's going to forward a copy of her write-up to my pdoc, GP, social worker and the Crisis Team. Obviously, there are things in there that I don't want my husband to see, but I doubt he'll get the opportunity to see it. I'm being sent a copy, so I might give that to a friend to look after.

I told Bree that I was astounded that I found I wasn't over the rape and also that I was surprised to see a pattern of betrayal in my past. I think it's because I trust people too readily; I always want to see the good in people, and it hits me really hard when they don't come through with the goods.

Bree is recommending that I be put on the list for therapy as I've reacted so well to this episode and I've tried hard to help myself. She feels that I'd get a lot out of therapy. However, when I saw my pdoc, he said that therapy is basically non-existent on the NHS. I'd probably hear from them in 18 months, if at all. Maybe when I've started working properly again I could pay for some therapy myself.

Another positive thing has happened: I'm being put forward for a promotion at work. I registered my interest in the position about a year ago, but this is the first time a position has become available. I'm not very confident that I'll get it, though. There are around 15 of us going for it, and I know for a fact that there are people who are far more literate than myself in the group. I may have to rely on the fact that I'm good at my job AND that I'm very helpful to others if they have a problem. If I got the position, it could mean travelling to London every month for a meeting, but then again, they may well begin having meetings via web cam, apparently. I really do want the job. At the moment, my wages are up and down with my moods, but by getting this job, I could relax a little more as it's salaried. It'd be fantastic.

Anyhoo, here's to a good weekend.

Clinical Psychologist

Mood Rating: 7/10

The Clinical Psychologist, Bree, visited yesterday. I knew that I'd end up in tears, but I didn't think that I'd be as bad as I was. I maintained composure for a very long time, but talking about being bullied, my childhood, my manic phases during my teens, and then the rape, took its toll. I was sure that I had completely resolved the rape issue, but I obviously haven't; that was what got me.

It looks as if betrayal by friends and people close to me has been a recurring factor in my life. I was bullied by someone who had been my best friend; I was raped by someone who was a friend; my husband cheated on me before we were married. Maybe I'm too trusting. I do look for the good in people all the time, and I expect to be treated how I treat others, but that's not always the case, obviously.

I found the whole appointment quite traumatic. Bree said that she'd like to visit again, and she's also going to refer me for therapy. She'll be returning tomorrow to go over yesterday's issues.

I'm just so amazed that I reacted in this way and also that I found that I'm not over the rape. I truly thought that, although it has taken time, I had dealt with it and buried it sufficiently. It was glaringly obviously yesterday that I have done neither.

We touched on my social phobia, but I'm trying to do more to combat that myself. I don't know what's on offer to help me further that.

The Crisis Team are coming round at 6pm today. I've agreed that Bree can pass on the information that we discussed. Some people may want to keep some things private, but I was completely honest with her - how can you get help if you're not honest? I don't think that the Crisis Team will dwell on much of yesterday's appointment as they focus more on what I can do immediately to help myself.

Bree's visit has really thrown me. I'm amazed at how much emotional baggage I really have. I'm not a great believer in therapy, but on the other hand, I don't think that I can deal with all these factors in my life on my own. Once you address one of them, it pulls in another issue; it's hard to make sense of it all.

One thing we agreed on, though, is that my illness is a real thing. The depression and my actions are partly due to a chemical imbalance and partly down to what has happened in my life.

I'm a great believer in the saying, 'Things get worse before they can get better,' which I'm quite worried about. I know that dragging up the past will depress me no end, but I think it's high time that I faced the truth.

Stabilising

Mood Rating: 8/10

Looks like the drugs may be working. I've doubled the dosage now to 10mg per day. I'm a little bit tired today, but not as much as when I first began taking Olanzipine. It sounds odd, but I feel as if my body's beginning to smile on the inside.

The Early Intervention Team visited yesterday, but they thought that I wasn't really a case for them. They deal with the more extreme cases of mental illness, such as those who hear voices and hallucinate. That's all fine by me, I'm happy dealing with the Crisis Team and my social worker for now. I feel as if both my husband and I have enough support for the time being.

There is a Clinical Psychologist visiting today at 3pm. She's coming to see if there's anything that she can add to the support. I think she may want to focus on my social phobia, which I'd love. It'd be great to be able to go out to the shops unaccompanied, or to walk into a pub to meet friends. I have got a little better with it recently, but I think I need a bit more of a kick up the bum and a greater challenge.

Having not worked that much throughout April, money will be a little tight for me during May, but the bills are all covered, so it's not a great worry. I have been spending money hand over fist recently. I've found that I spend more when I'm in a better mood, although I might spend when I'm down to cheer myself up. The postman has just delivered 3 boxes, but I've ordered so much recently I haven't a clue what they could be. I'm not in debt, and I never spend more than I have in the bank. As long as I keep it that way, I'll be fine.

Friday night will be the real test for these drugs. I'm off out for the night with my brother's girlfriend. I'll be drinking, and I'm sure we'll have a great time, but it's the coming home that brings me down. I'm confident, though, that I'll be able to manage it.