Deflated
Mood Rating 5/10
It's 3.17am and I'm finally getting sleepy (Olanzipine helps). I went out at 5.30pm, had a pretty good night, but then came 'home time'. The feeling wasn't as bad as it has been in the past, but I'd definitely be happier if I didn't have to come back here after a night out.
To top off this hating home thing, I finally sat down and looked at our finances the other day. We won't be moving anytime soon. I think our best option is to sell up and rent for a while. We can bank the equity from the sale of the flat and earn interest for a while and take our time finding somewhere to buy. Hopefully, we'll get out at the right time and get somewhere later on down the line. There's still things to finish off in the flat, but if we worked at it, we could be out by Christmas - it's doubtful though. Motivating my husband is like trying to push a rhino uphill; he's just so laid back.
I filled out a questionnaire just now on having bipolar; it's for research. One of the questions was, "If you could flick a switch and rid yourself of everything to do with bipolar, would you?" I ticked 'Yes'. I wouldn't care if it changed me beyond recognition, I'd still do it. It's tiring and very stressful. I'm not convinced that my drugs will always work, so I never know whether there's a 'crash' just around the corner or not. I have the feeling that my pdoc will increase the dose when I visit him on 5 June.
I've gone back to smoking cannabis again. I'm doing it about 3/4 times a week. It's not even to help me sleep now, it's more just to help me get away from it all for a while. I've even bought some legal drugs, a kind of legal Ecstasy. I don't know whether the stuff works or not, but I need something. I don't want to be me, but what choice do I have? I can't change that so getting away from myself with the help of drugs is the next best thing. I hope they turn up soon.
It's 3.17am and I'm finally getting sleepy (Olanzipine helps). I went out at 5.30pm, had a pretty good night, but then came 'home time'. The feeling wasn't as bad as it has been in the past, but I'd definitely be happier if I didn't have to come back here after a night out.
To top off this hating home thing, I finally sat down and looked at our finances the other day. We won't be moving anytime soon. I think our best option is to sell up and rent for a while. We can bank the equity from the sale of the flat and earn interest for a while and take our time finding somewhere to buy. Hopefully, we'll get out at the right time and get somewhere later on down the line. There's still things to finish off in the flat, but if we worked at it, we could be out by Christmas - it's doubtful though. Motivating my husband is like trying to push a rhino uphill; he's just so laid back.
I filled out a questionnaire just now on having bipolar; it's for research. One of the questions was, "If you could flick a switch and rid yourself of everything to do with bipolar, would you?" I ticked 'Yes'. I wouldn't care if it changed me beyond recognition, I'd still do it. It's tiring and very stressful. I'm not convinced that my drugs will always work, so I never know whether there's a 'crash' just around the corner or not. I have the feeling that my pdoc will increase the dose when I visit him on 5 June.
I've gone back to smoking cannabis again. I'm doing it about 3/4 times a week. It's not even to help me sleep now, it's more just to help me get away from it all for a while. I've even bought some legal drugs, a kind of legal Ecstasy. I don't know whether the stuff works or not, but I need something. I don't want to be me, but what choice do I have? I can't change that so getting away from myself with the help of drugs is the next best thing. I hope they turn up soon.
posted by Bipolar Bear at 2:17 am
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