Even Better

Mood Rating: 7/10

Things have been pretty good over the last 2 weeks. I've still not been discharged from the CT, but I will be on August 1st. I've been avoiding their calls because I really don't want another meeting before the 1st - I just want to be left alone, to be honest.

My mood has stayed elevated over the past 10-days or so, but I've had a pretty low day today. Work is stressing me out: it's become fairly quite since the recent recruitment drive, so you can't earn very much unless you work during the small hours. Obviously, this worries me and gets me down. What I'd give to be able to hold a real job down.

I'm not really sure why I've been down today, but hopefully it's just a blip. I'm going to try to work again tomorrow, but if it's crap I'll try and give up without beating myself up about it.

One of my closest friends is pregnant and it's made me a little broody. I do want children, but my state of health worries me. The thought of having social services watching my every move puts me off and I don't even know for sure that they would watch me. Money is also another worry. When will be the right time?

Some Improvement

Mood Rating: 7/10

I've had 2 very good days in comparison to what my days have been like recently. I kept myself extremely busy yesterday - I barely stopped, but it was good to do normal, everyday things again; I've even started to cook dinner!

Today hasn't been so hectic, but I've kept my mood elevated with work and a few errands.

I though that the CT were coming today but the psychologist turned up instead. She's made a few plans for the next couple of days for me, to keep me occupied so that I don't dwell on things too much. It's a good thing, but I'm still not at the stage where I think this phase will last. I desperately need this promotion at work. It would mean so much to me and it would enable me to change my life completely - well, near enough. I just don't know when the next position will become available, and even then I don't know that I'd get it. Still, I'm beginning to look forward with some hope once again.

Just As Bad

... see a theme developing with the titles?

Mood Rating: 6/10

Okay, so my mood appears slightly better, but I can't say that I'm feeling it very much. There are so many cliches running through my head: life's stretching out before me. I'm only happy when I'm sleeping, etc. etc.

I'm just about to have a nap to see if my mood will improve. The CT are coming round at 4.30pm. They're beginning to cut back their visits from every day to 3 times a week. I don't think that they've helped all that much this time. They just come round and chat for an hour. I know that I need to allow myself to feel better but I truly haven't the energy for it. I spend every day waiting to take my tablets so that I can go to sleep and get out of it all for a while. It's just no way to live. If a dog were this miserable it'd be put down. Again, I'm feeling resentful of the people around me forcing me to live.

Really Bad

Mood Rating: 5/10

Things got really bad over the weekend and continued into the week. I spent most of the time crying, begging my husband to let me go (again). I can't tell you how tangible the feeling of wanting to die is. It's a little like your heart is breaking; there's a pain in your chest and, with me, my head aches with the thoughts.

Hubby called the Crisis Team Monday night because I was inconsolable. It may sound melodramatic, but the pain of wanting to die was so great, I felt like I might just expire on the spot. Hubby offered to get his friend around which, I reckon, was more for some support for himself, which is fine. I wasn't exactly great company, but we struggled through alone anyway.

The Crisis Team suggested that I take 5mg of Olanzipine immediately to help calm me down. I took the rest of my dosage later that night and slept well. On Tuesday morning my care coordinator, and someone from the Crisis Team, visited. They called my pdoc whilst they were here and he suggested upping the Olanzipine to 20mg per day. They've also made an appointment for me to see him on Friday.

The CT didn't visit today as my hubby's nan died the weekend before last and it was her funeral today. I desperately wanted to be strong for my husband, so I went along. I managed not to cry, though it was pretty heart-wrenching. I was completely washed out come afternoon, so we left at about 2pm.

That brings us up to this evening. I've not felt that great tonight, but we've washed the dog and we're going to watch a film. Diversion tactics are slowly working again. I had past the point of them working, but I'm slowly getting things under control (I think).

It's so hard to constantly be aware of your state of mind. It's tiring just thinking about it. I don't know what will happen if this increased dosage doesn't work. I can't do this with willpower alone - I haven't the strength.