More Hopeful

Mood Rating: 8/10

As you can see, my mood has improved although I'm a little tired this morning. I'm doubling the dosage of Olanzipine this evening, so I'll probably be extremely sleepy tomorrow. The Crisis Team said that the increase won't have such strong side-effects as when I began taking the drug, though.

I'm off for an ECG and blood tests this morning, both to check my heart after the overdose and to give a baseline reading for the Olanzipine. I've also got a new team visiting at 2pm: the Early Intervention Team. I'm not sure what they do, to be honest, but I'm taking all the help that's on offer at the moment as I never know when I might need support again in the future.

I'm feeling quite positive at the moment, but I'm not hedging my bets. I haven't been stable long enough to be confident as yet, but I'm feeling more in control. I've even booked a hair appointment for Wednesday and I'm going out on Friday night, too. I haven't really made many plans for the immediate future for a while - never knowing what may be around the corner. I guess it's another positive step.

Returning Home

Ah, who was I kidding? This coming home thing is just idiotic. I can't make out whether I really dislike my home or home life, or whether I get pissed up and just want to carry on. I could have happily gone clubbing all night long tonight, but it wasn't to be - this time it wasn't my fault, or choice.

We had to walk back to the car from the pub in order to get home tonight, and my mood dipped to a 4. I thought that we might be in for a long night. However, I gripped tightly to my emotions, and I think I may be steadily rising. I feel better, but I could cry at any moment. What the hell is wrong with me? Obviously, I know exactly what's wrong with me, but it's still mind-boggling. I fucking hate it! I'm sick to death with worrying - about myself, my family, friends, everything.

Okay, so maybe my mood isn't improving. I don't think blogging's going to do it this evening. I've still got a form to fill in; kind of homework from the Crisis Team. Maybe focusing on that will help.

I know that there's something wrong in my marriage. I don't know what it is, but I... I just don't know. We haven't had sex for over 3 weeks now, since the week before I took the overdose. I'm pretty desperate for sex (another bipolar issue), but I just can't bring myself to sleep with him. I know that I'll end up crying if I do. That's such an awful thing to say. I'm seriously considering an affair. In fact, I don't think I've ever stopped considering it. I can't blame everything on being bipolar; I'm just not the monogamous sort, I don't think. Maybe it is the illness? Maybe I'm just on self-destruct? In fact, I know that I am. I truly feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

I've got so many issues and they're all linked in one way or another. I don't know where to start. They're all just as important as one another, but once you address one, you automatically bring in another. It's so complicated.

At the moment, I need a bottle or two of Asti and a good ear. I have telephone numbers for various charities that deal with mental illness, but it's just so impersonal. Basically, I'm fucked.

Long Week

Mood Rating: 4/10

Ah, the inevitable nosedive... I kept poor hubby up into the wee hours crying and begging him to let me go. I told him that I'm beginning to resent family and friends for forcing me to live. I know that sounds very melodramatic, but I'm sure that anyone else who suffers with a mental illness would understand.

Hubby eventually resorted to giving me 2 Valium so that he could knock me out and hopefully make me sleep it off. Sadly, I felt just as bad in the morning. I managed to tell my brother's girlfriend, who promptly turned up on my doorstep. She let me have a good grizzle, and I began to pick up again within a couple of hours.

The day improved with the help of a few drinks in town, which again turned into many drinks in town. Of course, come home time I took a dive. I ended up staying at a friend's for the night, which helped keep me stable. The next day, hubby picked me up and took me for a sunbed. Whilst laying there, I resolved to keep busy for the day in order to keep my spirits up. It worked. I also got 3 week's worth of ironing done.

Monday the social worker came round to visit. She thought that I might benefit from a visit and assessment by the Crisis Team. I also went to see my GP who decided to begin the Olanzipine that day. It made me very tired on Tuesday, so I slept most of the day, but my mood certainly remained stable.

On Wednesday, the Crisis Team came to assess me. To my surprise, they agreed that I would benefit from their help. They are basically a team of nurses who help those that should be hospitalised stay in their own homes. At present, both myself and my pdoc don't think that hospitalisation would help me.

The Crisis Team stayed for about 2 hours assessing me, and we decided that I'd benefit from daily visits for 3 days. On the 3rd day (Saturday 28 April), I'll be re-assessed. From there they may visit daily, every other day, weekly, or not at all if I've improved dramatically. They're going to begin to address some of my issues, mainly suicide, self-harm, and my social phobia. If I progress, I'll be handed back to the social worker, but the Crisis Team will be there if need be.

One of the team visited me today and we spoke about using a mood scale, much like I've done on this blog since the beginning. So, instead of saying (which I've never managed to do), "I feel suicidal," which is a terrible thing to have to admit to family, I can say, "I'm a 3." A 3 seems to be my crisis point; I could go either way, but it's usually down. If I can admit to my husband that I'm a 3, he can hopefully intervene and help me through it.

Tonight I think I may have helped myself through a low point. After a long day working for my husband's boss, I found my mood dipping (obviously through having to return home) to a 4. However, since beginning to write this entry, I've improved to a 5 or 6. This is the kind of thing that I need to identify as something which helps me get through the bad times. I really need to learn to keep my moods under control rather than them controlling me. It sounds easy, but it's something which I've become complacent with. I don't know whether I'll manage it or not, but at the moment, I think that with the help of the Crisis Team and various other bodies, I could get there.

Aside from blogging this evening, I've bought a book called 'Mind Over Mood: Cognitive Treatment Therapy Manual for Clients' which my pdoc mentioned as being extremely good. It contains worksheets and patient examples, etc. I'm really not into 'self-help' books, but it has received a pretty good write-up and, at the moment, I'm willing to try almost anything.

I'm working for my husband's boss again tomorrow, so it'll be another long day. I think that I'll have a nice drink when I get home to help me relax. I'm not too sure how well alcohol and Olanzipine mix, but I'll go slow. As usual, it's recommended that you don't drink whilst taking this medication, but I'm usually okay. Let's just hope that I don't get the whole 'coming home' thing again.

Mood Rating: 6/10

Low Again

Mood Rating: 3/10

What a week. Saw the psychiatrist (pdoc) on Tuesday as planned. It went okay, I guess. I'm going to be started on an anti-psychotic/mood stabiliser caller Olanzipan as soon as I've had [another] ECG and bloods. This one has some great side effects too, mainly weight gain (sigh). However, the anti-depressants that I'm on cause that anyway, and he wants me off of them, so hopefully we may be able to balance it out.

I've also been assigned a CPN called Lorna. She phoned on Thursday and she's coming to see me on Monday. I know I'm gonna be a total wreck.

Went out with a friend for a drink last night - turned into many :0) But it was good. Once I was drunk, I could talk without crying. Got a lot off of my chest, as he's the only one who knows the whole truth about most things. Funnily enough, I think I may have discovered a reason for my social phobia.

However, having a good night out if one thing, and I was pretty high today: made hubby and I a lovely lunch, tidied up, did the kitchen, but now I've taken the inevitable nosedive again. Hubby took me down the beach for a walk for an hour or so, but it's the whole coming home thing - it's just so depressing. I really hate it. I'd prefer to wander in the freezing cold all night long than to come home when I feel down. I just want out.

Now I've got the weekend to look forward to. Starting the weekend off feeling like this is never good; I'm dreading it now. Hubby's off out tomorrow, so I guess I'll clean or just mosey around the Net a lot.

I was really positive just after the appointment with the pdoc, but now I'm back to normal. I just want to cease to exist. Fucking life!

Anticipation

Mood Rating: 7/10

I've had a good couple of days, mood-wise. My husband was out all of yesterday, but I spent most of the day with my mum. Today has been much the same, and I've even walked the dog. I'm still having to dress my wrist, and it's seeping a little, but I think it's healing pretty well.

I'm kind of nervous about tomorrow as I have the appointment with the psychiatrist. I honestly don't know what to expect this time as I've never seen the consultant before. Apparently, he's very thorough, so maybe there is still some hope left.

I'm by no means out of the woods yet. I think about suicide on a daily basis; not always about committing suicide, but often about different methods, etc. If someone mentions something in the future, I wonder whether I'll be here by that time.

I'm very worried that whatever treatment is suggested tomorrow will have nasty side effects again - like the lithium. I guess I can refuse certain medications, but I definitely need something that will take effect fairly quickly. I also worry that 'they' won't find the right medication for me... what then? I most certainly cannot continue as I have been. I know that there are people living with terrible diseases, etc., but I'm just not cut out for this at all. I don't want to feel this way, but I do.

My poor mother said to me the other day, "I know everything's okay when I go to sleep and your're alive and I wake up and you're still alive." That cut deeply. I do have some great people around me; everyone is so willing to help - I just wish they could help.

Anyway, here's to tomorrow.

Supposed Recovery

Mood Rating: 4/10

Well, Monday turned out to be a very bad day. My husband went to have lunch with his parents and I decided enough was enough. I searched the house high and low for the key to the medicine box, but I couldn't find it. So, I decided to take the pills that I had available, which was only 2100mg Venlafaxine and about 70mg Valium. I downed them in 2 lots, crying my eyes out, then I progressed to a new scalpel. I managed to cut about half a blade's depth, which is obviously nowhere near enough for an artery. I typed a note to my husband, and emailed a friend to say goodbye. I guess I knew what I'd done wouldn't be enough, but I just hoped with all of my heart that it would be. I certainly didn't want to wake up.

2 hours later, my husband returned home and slapped me awake. He immediately called my mum, my brother and an ambulance. Everyone seemed to arrive within a couple of minutes, so I must have been drifting in and out of consciousness.

To cut a long story short, I was admitted to A&E, then to the EAU (Emergency Assessment Unit) for observation over night. I had a number of ECGs and other tests, as there was a risk of hypertension, tachycardia and coma.

I saw some doctors and a great psychiatric nurse who gave me the usual Samaritans leaflets, etc. But he did give me a little more hope about seeing the psychiatrist on the 17th.

Since being discharged on Tuesday, I've been okay. I started to go down last night, and today I'm pretty tearful. I'm going to try and do some housework to keep me busy, and I need to drop my discharge notice off to my GP, especially as I received a letter today saying that a decision about claiming Disability Living Allowance cannot be made as yet; they need to write to my GP.

So, here I am. Alive still, and I'm currently thinking that that is pretty unfortunate.

Miserable

Mood Rating: 2/10

I've had a really good few days, but tonight my mood has taken a real nosedive. I wish I could pinpoint a trigger. I'm just so miserable. I gave myself a small cut with a razor this evening, but it didn't do much. I don't want to get stoned, drunk, high or anything. I just don't want to be anymore.

I can't believe that I can be this unhappy with everything. There are a few things and a few people that make me happy, but without them I'm so miserable. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I can't take much more. I just want out.

I haven't really worked in the last week, which shows how shit I am at the moment. This doesn't bode well for a promotion. I've looked at things to buy to cheer myself up, but I don't trust myself not to go mad with the spending.

I just want to walk, but I find it so hard to go out alone. I don't want my husband knowing how bad I'm feeling, so I don't want him to come with me, but there's no one else.

When I'm like this I feel so many emotions; all negative of course. I feel totally heartbroken, miserable, sad, melancholy, suicidal. However, at the same time, I feel nothing. How can that be?

I think of what everyone else I know is doing at this point in time, and I know that whatever it is, it's better than what I'm up to.

Not sure if I mentioned it in my last post, but I wanted to have myself committed the other night. Thing is, I know I'd check myself out after a day or 2. It'd also put a lot of stress on my family. I so need help, but I just don't know where to find it, or in what form. By God, this psychiatrist (or whatever he is) best have some ideas on the 17th - if I make it to the 17th.

I'm going to try to lay off the drugs this week, even the Valium. I'll keep taking my anti-depressants, but only because I feel so rough if I don't take them.

Why can't I be normal, and why is this thing running my life with such utter control?