Returning Home
Ah, who was I kidding? This coming home thing is just idiotic. I can't make out whether I really dislike my home or home life, or whether I get pissed up and just want to carry on. I could have happily gone clubbing all night long tonight, but it wasn't to be - this time it wasn't my fault, or choice.
We had to walk back to the car from the pub in order to get home tonight, and my mood dipped to a 4. I thought that we might be in for a long night. However, I gripped tightly to my emotions, and I think I may be steadily rising. I feel better, but I could cry at any moment. What the hell is wrong with me? Obviously, I know exactly what's wrong with me, but it's still mind-boggling. I fucking hate it! I'm sick to death with worrying - about myself, my family, friends, everything.
Okay, so maybe my mood isn't improving. I don't think blogging's going to do it this evening. I've still got a form to fill in; kind of homework from the Crisis Team. Maybe focusing on that will help.
I know that there's something wrong in my marriage. I don't know what it is, but I... I just don't know. We haven't had sex for over 3 weeks now, since the week before I took the overdose. I'm pretty desperate for sex (another bipolar issue), but I just can't bring myself to sleep with him. I know that I'll end up crying if I do. That's such an awful thing to say. I'm seriously considering an affair. In fact, I don't think I've ever stopped considering it. I can't blame everything on being bipolar; I'm just not the monogamous sort, I don't think. Maybe it is the illness? Maybe I'm just on self-destruct? In fact, I know that I am. I truly feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
I've got so many issues and they're all linked in one way or another. I don't know where to start. They're all just as important as one another, but once you address one, you automatically bring in another. It's so complicated.
At the moment, I need a bottle or two of Asti and a good ear. I have telephone numbers for various charities that deal with mental illness, but it's just so impersonal. Basically, I'm fucked.
We had to walk back to the car from the pub in order to get home tonight, and my mood dipped to a 4. I thought that we might be in for a long night. However, I gripped tightly to my emotions, and I think I may be steadily rising. I feel better, but I could cry at any moment. What the hell is wrong with me? Obviously, I know exactly what's wrong with me, but it's still mind-boggling. I fucking hate it! I'm sick to death with worrying - about myself, my family, friends, everything.
Okay, so maybe my mood isn't improving. I don't think blogging's going to do it this evening. I've still got a form to fill in; kind of homework from the Crisis Team. Maybe focusing on that will help.
I know that there's something wrong in my marriage. I don't know what it is, but I... I just don't know. We haven't had sex for over 3 weeks now, since the week before I took the overdose. I'm pretty desperate for sex (another bipolar issue), but I just can't bring myself to sleep with him. I know that I'll end up crying if I do. That's such an awful thing to say. I'm seriously considering an affair. In fact, I don't think I've ever stopped considering it. I can't blame everything on being bipolar; I'm just not the monogamous sort, I don't think. Maybe it is the illness? Maybe I'm just on self-destruct? In fact, I know that I am. I truly feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
I've got so many issues and they're all linked in one way or another. I don't know where to start. They're all just as important as one another, but once you address one, you automatically bring in another. It's so complicated.
At the moment, I need a bottle or two of Asti and a good ear. I have telephone numbers for various charities that deal with mental illness, but it's just so impersonal. Basically, I'm fucked.
posted by Bipolar Bear at 9:40 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home