Insomnia
Awake again. I've tried going to bed: I made a hot water bottle and read, but my mind is just racing. I have nothing specific to ponder, but I don't think that my brain knows that. It seems to belive that it has a limited time to think every possible thought on Earth, and that time usually kicks in at bedtime.
Don't get me wrong, I am very tired, I just can't get to sleep. My eyes ache, my arms are heavy and I can even get to that dozing phase, but then my thoughts tumble in to wake me up.
I know that my husband and my family are very worried, but there's nothing I can do to stop them worrying. Even if I go back to the doctor and follow their instructions, they'd all still worry. They've all got problems of their own to deal with, and I do know about them, but I just cannot muster the energy to worry about them. I kind of feel for them, and I honestly care with all of my heart, but I just cannot deal with worrying about their individual problems. It's the selfishness issue once again.
Christmas IS playing on my mind. It's not so much the money worries, but more the hassle of it all and the holiday itself. As you know, I'm terrible with dealing with weekends, and Christmas and New Year are like one big, long weekend. I'm just dreading it. I'd plan something to get me through it, but I just don't know what would help. Most of our friends will be busy, so that just leaves family. I'm not keen on my in-laws, and my family, although close, is a little disjointed where us children have grown up and flown the nest. That leaves me and my husband alone in our flat like every other evening and weekend. I can feel my chest tightening now.
I need help. I was unsuccessful in finding a psychiatrist/therapist, and I'm not so sure that they could help. I'm not convinced that I could open up enough to a total stranger. My close friends obviously have their own problems, and by now they're likely sick of mine. My family don't need to know some of the things that go through my head, which just leaves my poor husband. If we manage to come out the other side of this thing still married, well, we could get through anything.
Hubby has cheated on me in the past, at times when I needed him the most. I'm sure that this illness will once again drive him off to look elsewhere. Thing is, if I say this to my friends, they think that I'm being paranoid, that it's part of my illness. I just feel so very alone and as though I'm fighting a losing battle.
Don't get me wrong, I am very tired, I just can't get to sleep. My eyes ache, my arms are heavy and I can even get to that dozing phase, but then my thoughts tumble in to wake me up.
I know that my husband and my family are very worried, but there's nothing I can do to stop them worrying. Even if I go back to the doctor and follow their instructions, they'd all still worry. They've all got problems of their own to deal with, and I do know about them, but I just cannot muster the energy to worry about them. I kind of feel for them, and I honestly care with all of my heart, but I just cannot deal with worrying about their individual problems. It's the selfishness issue once again.
Christmas IS playing on my mind. It's not so much the money worries, but more the hassle of it all and the holiday itself. As you know, I'm terrible with dealing with weekends, and Christmas and New Year are like one big, long weekend. I'm just dreading it. I'd plan something to get me through it, but I just don't know what would help. Most of our friends will be busy, so that just leaves family. I'm not keen on my in-laws, and my family, although close, is a little disjointed where us children have grown up and flown the nest. That leaves me and my husband alone in our flat like every other evening and weekend. I can feel my chest tightening now.
I need help. I was unsuccessful in finding a psychiatrist/therapist, and I'm not so sure that they could help. I'm not convinced that I could open up enough to a total stranger. My close friends obviously have their own problems, and by now they're likely sick of mine. My family don't need to know some of the things that go through my head, which just leaves my poor husband. If we manage to come out the other side of this thing still married, well, we could get through anything.
Hubby has cheated on me in the past, at times when I needed him the most. I'm sure that this illness will once again drive him off to look elsewhere. Thing is, if I say this to my friends, they think that I'm being paranoid, that it's part of my illness. I just feel so very alone and as though I'm fighting a losing battle.
Labels: bipolar, despair, insomnia, selfishness
posted by Bipolar Bear at 1:21 am
3 Comments:
I totally understand.I am awake again.Tired soo tired but my mind will not shut down.I am scared to call the doc because he will put me somewhere for a while and I don't want to go there.I also have a cutting disorder which my feeling's have been getting strong but I have not done it again in a while..I feel like a burden to my whole family.
i am awake, i can't clean any more there's no more cleaning to be done and i don't want to disturb my partner.... you haven't given yourself a chance to try and sleep he said... i can't keep still... my eyes won't stay shut... i hate feeling this way... i love my sleep...sleep is peacefull.... my mind is at peace when i'm asleep... i too am a self harmer and have cut this week due to lack of sleep... cut to stop myself going over the edge....herbal sleep remedies, alcohole...warm baths... cycle rides...nothing is working... i'm in despair....help
Me too. Laughed at the 1st paragraph and felt tears at the 2nd. My partners asleep and I can't stand to disturb him, and I don't tell mom because she'd feel so guilty for passing on her family's long line of anxiety/mood disorders. I try bike rides, baths, nightcaps and used to cut, but no luck. Worst part's not knowing if I'll go up or down. I feel you.
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