Suicidal Tendencies

I'd like to start this post off with a quote from the 2000 film '28 Days':

"No one adult human being is happy! People are born, they have a limited amount of time going around thinking life is dandy but then, inevitably, tragedy strikes and they realise life equals loss! The whole point of the game is to minimise the pain caused by that equation! Now some people do it by having kids, or making money, or taking up coin collecting, and others do it by getting wasted."

I'm in agreement with pretty much all of that. I don't spend my time getting wasted, but it sure is appealing. In short, I've had an awful weekend. It looked promising on Friday night: I went out with my husband and a couple of other people, got drunk and had fun. By 2am I was sitting here on my sofa with every blister pack, bottle and box of tablets that we had in the house. I had a drink ready, and I was quietly removing all the pills in preparation when my husband found me. He took all the pills away, leaving me in floods of tears, before tryng to lump me with a guilt trip about how he needs to tell someone so that some of the burden is lifted. To be quite frank, I'm past caring. If I cared, I wouldn't have attempted suicide again, now would I?

It is a very selfish thing, but that's what this darn illness is all about. It should be called 'Me' or 'I'. I'm just so tired of it. I'm tired of blundering my way through each day, looking forward to bedtime in the hope that I can sleep and forget everything for a few hours, all just to get up and do it again. If you can't see the point of life itself, is it worth living?

I was meant to go for a blood test - just to check my lithium levels which, at the moment, need checking weekly - about 10 days ago. I can't be bothered. In fact, I'd like to just come off of all of my meds. They're not working, so I don't see a reason to stay on them. Sadly, I can't just stop taking them. Both medications have awful withdrawal symptoms, which I hate. If I say this to my GP, she'll talk me into giving it more time. Hmmm... more time for me to kill myself perhaps? More time for them to scratch their heads? More time for them to hope that I bugger off?

If you've ever had your heart broken, for whatever reason, imagine living your daily life with that feeling in your chest - you know the one? That's how I feel all of the time. Yes, there are moments when I feel pretty normal, but I think around 80-90% of my life I feel as though my heart has just died or cracked. What the hell can make you feel that way?

I've really not managed to come to terms with knowing that I'll have this godforsaken illness for the rest of my life, and I'm not sure how to tackle that. I need a guarantee, something to work towards. I'm no good without goals, I need to have an aim. I'm never going to get that and it's just a terrible, gut-wrenching feeling; I feel physically sick.

Well, I might as well end this post on a cheerful note, much like the beginning. Here's there lyrics from a song used in the afore mentioned film, '28 Days':

I'd rather be dreaming than living
Living's just too hard to do
It's chances not choices
Noises not voices
A day's just a thing to get through
Living's just too hard to do

I'd rather be dreaming than talking
There's nothing to hear or to say
With ears covered mouth closed
The world is opposed
Nothing gets in or away
There's nothing to hear or to say

I'd rather be dreaming than thinking
Thoughts are small comfort to me
Dreams might be pretend
But at least dreams end
And I just can't stop thinking you see
Thoughts are small comfort to me

I'd rather be dreaming than sleeping
Just sleeping you're just as well dead
In dreams I can fly
In dreams I don't die
That's why I lie here in this bed
Just sleeping you're just as well dead
I'd rather be dreaming

('Dreaming' by Loudon Wainwright III)