On the Up

I had an appointment with my pdoc 2 days ago. I was dreading it because I thought he'd harp on about my agoraphobia, which he did a little. However, in general, the appointment went really well. I've lost a stone and my mood has improved no end. I even managed not to cry on seeing him! I haven't got to go back to see him now unless I need to. Bless him, he even asked me to keep in touch just to tell him how I'm doing.

On another doctor topic, my GP has know written to the PCT (Primary Care Trust) in regards to gastric banding. I'm really relieved about that because she agreed to write to them in November, but she hadn't done so until the other day. I have the feeling that she may have been waiting until the new financial year. I'm so excited! I shouldn't be really, as this is just the beginning. I may have to appeal their decision, but we'll deal with that if/when it happens.

More good news: I received the results of my smear test today. I was quite worried when I opened the letter as I only had the test 2 weeks ago, but thankfully the results were 'normal'. That's a weight off my mind.

Work's going quite well. I should have worked a bit more this week, but I haven't. Loads of researchers log on during the last week of the month to get their stats in order, so it's hard to earn anything. It's a bit of an excuse, really, but I'm sticking to it. It's my first month back and I don't want to reach burnout anytime soon. Other than that, I've done really well. I got 100% in my review and I've managed to get into the Top 5 twice over the weekend (means a lot to me).

I've even decided to start a new venture: Phoenix Trading. It's an occassion card and gift wrap company. I'm going to give it a good go and see how it pans out. It means that I'm going to have to leave the house, but I'm hoping that this may break the cycle of being afraid to go out.

That's it, really. All good, positive news. I'm looking forward to the future again.

Sleep

Mood Rating: 7/10

Last night proved that I need the sleeping pills I've been prescribed. I was really tired, so I went to bed early and took a sleeping tablet just beforehand. I tossed and turned, and my mind raced, before the pill kicked in. Insomnia is a side effect of Aripirazole. I'm seeing my pdoc in 12 days' time, so I'm hoping that he'll prescribe me some more, otherwise I don't know what I'll do. As it is, the sleeping tablets wear off by around 6am, and the Aripiprazole wakes me up. I'm certainly in a healthy sleep routine now, even if it is aided.

I'm now taking 300mg of Venlafaxine and 30mg of Aripiprazole daily. I'm also on Metformin for PCOS, and of course there's the sleeping pills. I'd like to think that I'll one day be free from medication, but it's doubtful.

It's absolutely freezing cold here at the moment. Everywhere has run out of house coal, so we've had to resort to using some synthetic stuff, which just doesn't produce the heat of normal coal. I've also got the heating on, but I'm still cold. It snowed for about 24 hours yesterday, and now the snow's just compacted into thick ice - it's treacherous. The forecast is for more snow from tomorrow (Friday) until Sunday, which is a lot for us here in the south of the UK. Apparently, this is the coldest winter we've had in 30 years. My poor dog is shivering at the moment - best go and cover her up.

Employment Support Allowance Nightmare

Mood Rating: 6/10

I just tried to fill out the new Employment Support Allowance booklet (yes, booklet!), but it's reduced me to tears. They want to know everything but your blood type. I've got to send in proof of address, proof of earnings, bank statements, savings statements (of which I have none), birth certificate, National Insurance card (of which I've lost), my husband's last few payslips, etc, etc. I can't believe that the government have made this so difficult! In the grand scheme of things, I have mild mental health problems, but even I can't complete this stupid form! It's a complete joke. On top of that, I'm bound to be asked to go for the medical, too. The thought of having to go out to a strange place is terrifying.

I guess there's a plus side: my GP decided (on her own) to sign me off until February 2010. At least I haven't got to worry about work for another few weeks.

I feel absolutely shite today now. I feel pathetic - I can't even fill in a form. To top it off, my mum doesn't think she'll make it round today. I could really do with the company right now, but I don't want to tell her that.

Memory Loss

I just came across this article that someone Tweeted: http://bit.ly/7qr91j

I know of a few people with depression and/or bipolar disorder who suffer with terrible memory problems. I am awful at remembering things. I can watch movies and completely forget what they're about a few days later. I've also - on at least two occasions - forgotten where I am when I'm driving a familiar route. I try not to panic, as I know that it'll only last a minute or so, but it's disconcerting all the same.

How I get through Christmas is beyond me.

Not Going Out

Mood Rating: 6/10

I've been feeling a little on the low side today. I was due to take my dog to the groomer's today, but I found that I just couldn't. Fortunately, my mum stepped in and took her for me. My mum's an absolute star. She comes round everyday to keep me company for a few hours - I could never tire of her presence.

All I've managed to do today is pack my husband's Christmas stocking, put the dishwasher on and build the fire. I feel so lazy at times, but I just don't have the energy to do anything about it.

As always, work is playing on my mind. I'm ticking off the days until I'll have to start again, and I'm dreading every minute of it already. I'm still trying to get hold of my GP to get her to backdate my sick note, but it's proving a tough job.

I'm also disgusted with my niece. She got herself pregnant last year aged just 16. Everyone told her what a bad idea it was (for her) to have a baby at that age, as we knew she wouldn't cope. To cut a long story short, she split up with the father and is with someone new. Now the father is declaring undying love for her, but taunting her at the same time. He told her that he had a better life than her as he didn't have a baby to look after. She broke down, said she wasn't coping and that she was thinking of calling in the social. I can't believe that she could be so selfish! This is a litter person we're talking about, for God sake! Now the father's parents are talking about going for custody. It just disgusts me that people can be so callous. As you know, I long for a baby, but for some reason I can't have one. Why are people like my niece allowed to procreate? I'm baffled.

I don't think it's a case of PND. In fact, I know it's not. It's more to do with not being able to go out with her friends when she feels like it. She needs to stop and think how good she actually has it: Her father provids a roof over her head for free, and feeds her. She doesn't work, but lives off the state. She has babysitters on tap, and even takes her baby to stay at her new boyfriend's house a number of nights a week.

I don't know. I'm just astounded that some people can't love their children properly.

Wrapping

Mood Rating: 8/10

I've spent the day alone today - usually not a good thing - but I've got quite a bit of Christmassy stuff done. I've wrapped all the presents I can, but I've run out of tags, grrr! Found a few extra decorations in an odd box and decorated the hallway. Going to get a real tree for the dining room next weekend, I think. I want it to look lovely for Christmas Day, as this will be the first time I've hosted Christmas; I'm so looking forward to it.

Hubby's been off airsofting all day in Reading. He's just text to say he'll be home about 7pm. I'm betting it'll be closer to 8pm.

I've no plans for this evening, except for watching X Factor. I want Stacey or Olly to win, although I think Joe might swipe it. Read an article from The Sun online today that reckons that Olly and Danyl have given up all hope of winning because Simon's picked a Disney song for the winner to release. They believe that such a song won't be suited to them, so Simon must obviously be routing for Stacey or Joe. Must feel 'great' when your own judge gives up on you.

As for my mood: it's pretty good today. I don't feel under pressure to work at weekends, so I don't get stressed out. I've had TweetDeck open this evening and I must've set up a search on 'bipolar' when I first downloaded it. I've been reading various Tweets about people being bipolar for a while. I can't believe how some people use it. One person said, "You don't fuck with a bipolar person and think you can get away with it..." wtf? Others use the term bipolar to discribe their general mood, ie. if they're feeling a little on edge or angry they'll say, "I'm feeling bipolar'. Just goes to show that there needs to be a bit more in the way of education about mental health.

Who Was I Kidding?

Alas, the good mood didn't last that long. Around August time I started to see signs of a low period coming on. I spoke to my GP who arranged a meeting with my pdoc again. He put me on some new anti-psychotic drugs called Aripiprizole. The downside is that these tablets stop you sleeping well, so I'm on sleeping tablets for a few months, too.

On the upside, the pdoc noticed that I'm really struggling to lose weight. I have PCOS, and the Olanzipine made me put on even more weight, so I find it really hard to shift a pound or two. He suggested that I see my GP and ask about gastric banding. I put the GP visit off and off, but my husband came with me last week, and the GP is in favour of it and is going to write a letter to the powers that be. I've wanted this for so long now, but I new I couldn't pay for it myself. I didn't think that the GP would be interested in this idea in the slightest, but she didn't put up a fight at all. Let's just hope that the good old NHS feel the same.

As for my mood, I haven't worked for 3 months, but I tried starting again this week. I'm not doing very well...

Next day: Been signed off work for another month. My GP's also going to look into backdating a sick note so that I may claim for the months I haven't worked; that's a relief - we can't cope on my husband's wage alone.

On the plus side of things, the company I work for, 63336, have released a TV advert, which you can see here: http://url.ie/389k. Hopefully, this will boost the company even more. We've answered over 20 million questions already, and we're just going from strength to strength. This advert has caused a lot of controversy on YouTube. There are a lot of people who think that both the shortcode and the company logo are masonic or something to do with the Illuminati. It's just a simple text message question and answer service, but some people will read into things what they want.

Anyhoo, here's to another day. I feel like I'm slowly getting better, but it's such a long road; and very slow going.

Bright New Me

It's been a long time since I last posted. I'm pleased to say that I'm definitely over the worst of it. I even managed to lower my dose of Olanzapine to 10mg a day instead of 20mg. Sadly, in January, I upped the dosage again to 15mg.

I've had no thoughts of self-harming of overdosing for months. I even managed the stress of moving home. Actually, moving home has helped a great deal. I was stuck in a flat before, now I have a lovely house and garden - I'm really looking forward to the summer.

Another thing that's changed is work. I'm managing to work constantly now instead of in fits and starts. It makes me feel so much better to be earning a wage, and I don't have time to dwell on things. I'm lucky enough to work at home, which helps of course. If anyone's interested, you can find vacancies at www.63336.com. My bosses have been great about my mental state; I wouldn't have been able to hold down a regular job.

Anyways, I've got to get back to working. I just thought I'd leave a cheery post for once. Hopefully, those of you who are feeling bad at the moment can take away with you the thought that you can get better. I never believed that I would, but here I am.

Long Week

Mood Rating: 4/10

Ah, the inevitable nosedive... I kept poor hubby up into the wee hours crying and begging him to let me go. I told him that I'm beginning to resent family and friends for forcing me to live. I know that sounds very melodramatic, but I'm sure that anyone else who suffers with a mental illness would understand.

Hubby eventually resorted to giving me 2 Valium so that he could knock me out and hopefully make me sleep it off. Sadly, I felt just as bad in the morning. I managed to tell my brother's girlfriend, who promptly turned up on my doorstep. She let me have a good grizzle, and I began to pick up again within a couple of hours.

The day improved with the help of a few drinks in town, which again turned into many drinks in town. Of course, come home time I took a dive. I ended up staying at a friend's for the night, which helped keep me stable. The next day, hubby picked me up and took me for a sunbed. Whilst laying there, I resolved to keep busy for the day in order to keep my spirits up. It worked. I also got 3 week's worth of ironing done.

Monday the social worker came round to visit. She thought that I might benefit from a visit and assessment by the Crisis Team. I also went to see my GP who decided to begin the Olanzipine that day. It made me very tired on Tuesday, so I slept most of the day, but my mood certainly remained stable.

On Wednesday, the Crisis Team came to assess me. To my surprise, they agreed that I would benefit from their help. They are basically a team of nurses who help those that should be hospitalised stay in their own homes. At present, both myself and my pdoc don't think that hospitalisation would help me.

The Crisis Team stayed for about 2 hours assessing me, and we decided that I'd benefit from daily visits for 3 days. On the 3rd day (Saturday 28 April), I'll be re-assessed. From there they may visit daily, every other day, weekly, or not at all if I've improved dramatically. They're going to begin to address some of my issues, mainly suicide, self-harm, and my social phobia. If I progress, I'll be handed back to the social worker, but the Crisis Team will be there if need be.

One of the team visited me today and we spoke about using a mood scale, much like I've done on this blog since the beginning. So, instead of saying (which I've never managed to do), "I feel suicidal," which is a terrible thing to have to admit to family, I can say, "I'm a 3." A 3 seems to be my crisis point; I could go either way, but it's usually down. If I can admit to my husband that I'm a 3, he can hopefully intervene and help me through it.

Tonight I think I may have helped myself through a low point. After a long day working for my husband's boss, I found my mood dipping (obviously through having to return home) to a 4. However, since beginning to write this entry, I've improved to a 5 or 6. This is the kind of thing that I need to identify as something which helps me get through the bad times. I really need to learn to keep my moods under control rather than them controlling me. It sounds easy, but it's something which I've become complacent with. I don't know whether I'll manage it or not, but at the moment, I think that with the help of the Crisis Team and various other bodies, I could get there.

Aside from blogging this evening, I've bought a book called 'Mind Over Mood: Cognitive Treatment Therapy Manual for Clients' which my pdoc mentioned as being extremely good. It contains worksheets and patient examples, etc. I'm really not into 'self-help' books, but it has received a pretty good write-up and, at the moment, I'm willing to try almost anything.

I'm working for my husband's boss again tomorrow, so it'll be another long day. I think that I'll have a nice drink when I get home to help me relax. I'm not too sure how well alcohol and Olanzipine mix, but I'll go slow. As usual, it's recommended that you don't drink whilst taking this medication, but I'm usually okay. Let's just hope that I don't get the whole 'coming home' thing again.

Mood Rating: 6/10

Insomnia

Awake again. I've tried going to bed: I made a hot water bottle and read, but my mind is just racing. I have nothing specific to ponder, but I don't think that my brain knows that. It seems to belive that it has a limited time to think every possible thought on Earth, and that time usually kicks in at bedtime.

Don't get me wrong, I am very tired, I just can't get to sleep. My eyes ache, my arms are heavy and I can even get to that dozing phase, but then my thoughts tumble in to wake me up.

I know that my husband and my family are very worried, but there's nothing I can do to stop them worrying. Even if I go back to the doctor and follow their instructions, they'd all still worry. They've all got problems of their own to deal with, and I do know about them, but I just cannot muster the energy to worry about them. I kind of feel for them, and I honestly care with all of my heart, but I just cannot deal with worrying about their individual problems. It's the selfishness issue once again.

Christmas IS playing on my mind. It's not so much the money worries, but more the hassle of it all and the holiday itself. As you know, I'm terrible with dealing with weekends, and Christmas and New Year are like one big, long weekend. I'm just dreading it. I'd plan something to get me through it, but I just don't know what would help. Most of our friends will be busy, so that just leaves family. I'm not keen on my in-laws, and my family, although close, is a little disjointed where us children have grown up and flown the nest. That leaves me and my husband alone in our flat like every other evening and weekend. I can feel my chest tightening now.

I need help. I was unsuccessful in finding a psychiatrist/therapist, and I'm not so sure that they could help. I'm not convinced that I could open up enough to a total stranger. My close friends obviously have their own problems, and by now they're likely sick of mine. My family don't need to know some of the things that go through my head, which just leaves my poor husband. If we manage to come out the other side of this thing still married, well, we could get through anything.

Hubby has cheated on me in the past, at times when I needed him the most. I'm sure that this illness will once again drive him off to look elsewhere. Thing is, if I say this to my friends, they think that I'm being paranoid, that it's part of my illness. I just feel so very alone and as though I'm fighting a losing battle.

Suicidal Tendencies

I'd like to start this post off with a quote from the 2000 film '28 Days':

"No one adult human being is happy! People are born, they have a limited amount of time going around thinking life is dandy but then, inevitably, tragedy strikes and they realise life equals loss! The whole point of the game is to minimise the pain caused by that equation! Now some people do it by having kids, or making money, or taking up coin collecting, and others do it by getting wasted."

I'm in agreement with pretty much all of that. I don't spend my time getting wasted, but it sure is appealing. In short, I've had an awful weekend. It looked promising on Friday night: I went out with my husband and a couple of other people, got drunk and had fun. By 2am I was sitting here on my sofa with every blister pack, bottle and box of tablets that we had in the house. I had a drink ready, and I was quietly removing all the pills in preparation when my husband found me. He took all the pills away, leaving me in floods of tears, before tryng to lump me with a guilt trip about how he needs to tell someone so that some of the burden is lifted. To be quite frank, I'm past caring. If I cared, I wouldn't have attempted suicide again, now would I?

It is a very selfish thing, but that's what this darn illness is all about. It should be called 'Me' or 'I'. I'm just so tired of it. I'm tired of blundering my way through each day, looking forward to bedtime in the hope that I can sleep and forget everything for a few hours, all just to get up and do it again. If you can't see the point of life itself, is it worth living?

I was meant to go for a blood test - just to check my lithium levels which, at the moment, need checking weekly - about 10 days ago. I can't be bothered. In fact, I'd like to just come off of all of my meds. They're not working, so I don't see a reason to stay on them. Sadly, I can't just stop taking them. Both medications have awful withdrawal symptoms, which I hate. If I say this to my GP, she'll talk me into giving it more time. Hmmm... more time for me to kill myself perhaps? More time for them to scratch their heads? More time for them to hope that I bugger off?

If you've ever had your heart broken, for whatever reason, imagine living your daily life with that feeling in your chest - you know the one? That's how I feel all of the time. Yes, there are moments when I feel pretty normal, but I think around 80-90% of my life I feel as though my heart has just died or cracked. What the hell can make you feel that way?

I've really not managed to come to terms with knowing that I'll have this godforsaken illness for the rest of my life, and I'm not sure how to tackle that. I need a guarantee, something to work towards. I'm no good without goals, I need to have an aim. I'm never going to get that and it's just a terrible, gut-wrenching feeling; I feel physically sick.

Well, I might as well end this post on a cheerful note, much like the beginning. Here's there lyrics from a song used in the afore mentioned film, '28 Days':

I'd rather be dreaming than living
Living's just too hard to do
It's chances not choices
Noises not voices
A day's just a thing to get through
Living's just too hard to do

I'd rather be dreaming than talking
There's nothing to hear or to say
With ears covered mouth closed
The world is opposed
Nothing gets in or away
There's nothing to hear or to say

I'd rather be dreaming than thinking
Thoughts are small comfort to me
Dreams might be pretend
But at least dreams end
And I just can't stop thinking you see
Thoughts are small comfort to me

I'd rather be dreaming than sleeping
Just sleeping you're just as well dead
In dreams I can fly
In dreams I don't die
That's why I lie here in this bed
Just sleeping you're just as well dead
I'd rather be dreaming

('Dreaming' by Loudon Wainwright III)