Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

This is my first creation of the year. This pumpkin took about 2 hours, but it kept me occupied. I really enjoy Halloween; I'm not sure why. I tend to prefer the dark evenings and cooler weather, though. I've also always been a fan of horror movies, since I was about 4 years old.

I believe that I passed a real milestone yesterday: I was raped by a 'friend' when I was 14, and it took me 10 years to see any light at the end of the tunnel. However, yesterday (13 years on) I happened across a link to his website, as he's now a singer/songwriter. I actually manged to look at the site and laugh - he'll never be well known! I had absolutely no adverse feelings whilst I looked at the site. I just never believed that I'd reach this point. It'd be a different matter if I saw him in the flesh, but for now I'm overjoyed that I've come this far.

Sadly, all is not well, though. I'm still very dizzy and everything seems surreal all of the time. I'm also not sleeping properly. I am sleeping - which is something - but I wake up often and getting off to sleep takes hours. I've had about 3 hours' sleep, so I'm likely to be a bit zombie-like today. I'm due to see my GP on Friday to check my lithium levels since I was increased to 800mg/day on Friday last week. I do feel a bit better for it, so maybe we've found that happy medium at last.

I read a post on the MDF forum a couple of days ago from someone who was kind of complaining about other members who let bipolar rule their lives. Now, I don't know what it's like when you've had this illness for a number of years and you've known about it, but from the point of view of someone who is very new to all of this, it DOES rule your life. Depression alone can be all consuming, but combined with a cocktail of horrendous drugs you have a constant reminder of the illness.

Obviously, I'm still bitter about having bipolar, but I've recently made a new online friend who has cancer. In an e-mail I said, "Why us, ay?" to which her reply was something along the lines of, "But why not?". It certainly made me think. I would never wish ill on people, but if there are those who are more deserving, I just don't believe that I'm one of them. In fact, I know a lot of people who have died, and all of them were wonderful, kind, considerate, friendly people with families. Does Karma exist?

I'm actually not a believer in any religion/faith. My mother was raised as a Catholic and my father Church of England. Us children were left to our own devices and none of us are believers. I have far too much of a scientific brain to believe in a deity. I'm far more comfortable with the Big Bang theory. That said, I'm certainly not anti-religion. If a faith gives some people hope and aids their moral fibre, then so be it. In fact, I am sometimes a little envious of believers. I'd like to have something which gives me hope during the most bleak times, but try as I might, I cannot let myself go enough to absorb the subject matter without question.

So, on to another day...

New Facets

Well, I knew that I had only just begun learning about this illness and all that it has to offer, but I hadn't banked on a lot of it.

As my last post mentioned, my dosage of Venlafaxine had been lowered by 75mg. This turned out to be too much for my brain to cope with and I ended up delusional (expecting Sky to broadcast a particular programme just because I like it so much), paranoid (thinking that I was saying or doing the wrong things and that everyone was looking at me), I suffered minor hallucinations and disturbances in sight and smell. I also felt - and still do - very dizzy and surreal, as though at any moment someone could wake me up and tell me that it's all been a dream.

After suffering for one weekend, I went back to the doctor's and was promptly told to go back to the original dose of Venlafaxine. Within 2 days, most of the symptoms had gone, but 10-days on, I am still dizzy and everything is still surreal.

I went back to see my usual doctor today, and received some bad news. Although she feels that the reduced dosage of Venlafaxine was responsible for most of the symptoms I presented, the delusions are more likely to be part of bipolar. She feels that the reduced dosage unmasked some of the more disturbing characteristics associated with bipolar. This is what I had feared.

In light of this discovery, she has taken my blood to check the lithium levels before increasing the dosage again. She's pretty convinced that, although I am in what is known as the theraputic range, the levels aren't quite high enough to control the symptoms.

One thing that this episode has shown me is that I am not coming to terms with being diagnosed. I also believe that what I perceive as 'triggers' need to be dealt with by a professional. I have e-mailed a female counsellor who is local to me, and I intend to give it a shot. I could quite easily ask my GP to refer me, but this way I get to choose who I divulge my deepest, darkest secrets to. I wanted to find a fairly young female as, although I'm sure counsellors hear some shocking things, I don't think an older person would relate so well to what I'm going through and what I've been through. I shall give one session a go to see whether I feel this woman will suit me and my issues, but I'll continue the search if she doesn't.

In the past, I have always maintained that I have plenty of people to talk to, but now I fear that I could bore them and, to be honest, there are things which I need to get off of my chest that I just cannot discuss with anyone I know. I can be obsessive and demanding, and I want to change these traits. I need to learn a new way of thinking about my life and I hope that counselling/therapy can do that for me. Until now, I hadn't truly acknowledged the amount of emotional baggage that I carry with me each day. I only hope that I can afford enough treatment to help myself. Having not worked properly for 3-months now, money is becoming tight. My parents and in-laws have offered to help, so that should ease the burden. I just cannot carry on in this vein. The past 2-weeks have honestly frightened me and the prospect of spending my life in fear of the afore mentioned symptoms scares the hell out of me. If only people understood what a terrible affliction this is.

In the Stephen Fry documentary, many sufferers said that they'd not change their illness for the world. I'm sure that these people must be the types to experience more manic episodes than depressive. Vice versa - as I suffer - it's a different story. I hate it. I hate taking the medications, I hate the stigma which is attached to mental illness, and I'm utterly petrified of my, as yet, undiscovered characteristics. I'm not one to worry about illness. I fear pain, but I don't fear diseases, etc. However, I can honestly say that recently I have been petrified of the unknown.

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger," I'm not convinced.

Contraception Issues

As expected, it was a waste of time.

I did, however, receive a full diagnosis of Bipolar Type II. I think that was about all I got out of it.

She's going to write back to my GP to advise her to slowly lower the dose of Venlafaxine (an antidepressant), and I'll need to return in about 4 months' time.

One thing that really got my goat was the contraceptive issue. For those of you that don't know, you cannot conceive whilst taking lithium as it would seriously damage the child. I fully take this onboard, and I understand how serious an issue it is, but I do not like being forced to take a contrceptive that I destest. For 14 years I have managed not to get pregnant, so I'm sure that I am still capable of maintaining this run, but the psychiatrist really tried her hardest to force me to take The Pill or another form of contraceptive.

My concerns with this stem from having had the contraceptive injection for about 4 years. It seriously interfered with my reproductive organs, and it took 2 years for my menstrual cycle to return to normal. Now, bearing in mind that I have just turned 27 years old, if I start another contraceptive, I'll be nearly 30 by the time I can try to conceive again. And considering that before I was put on lithium we had been trying for children for 15 months, I think that taking an oral contraceptive - or any contraceptive for that matter - would really impact on the child bearing years that I have left.

I could understand it more if I had a history of abortions or prescriptions for the Morning After Pill, but I haven't. I am a responsible 27 year old woman, and I felt that she was treating me like a daft teenager.

As you can tell, I'm very unimpressed with the whole visit. I have no faith in the mental health system of this country.

Psychiatrist

There's just one day to go before my first appointment with a psychiatrist. I've been down this road before only to be turned away once they got me into a state. Obviously, I'm concerned that this will happen again, but I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter.

I'm sure that they will simply suggest counselling once again, which, if I'm honest, I'm adverse to. I tried one session about 6 years ago. I cried throughout the appointment, and I didn't feel as though the counsellor really heard me. I'm of the opinion that I need therapy rather than counselling. I know that they're very similar, but I feel that therapy would empower me and give me the confidence to be able to look at life with a positive eye. Sadly, I can afford neither, and will have to rely on the good old NHS.

I think that my apprehension stems from the fact that I was raped when I was 14. I have dealt with that issue in my own way. I'm sure that it took much longer doing it my way, but I've done it; successfully. Now, doctors and psychiatrists see this as a large part of my depression. It's as though, because it happened, that HAS to be the cause. But, it's not. I had depression from age 10 or 11. I'm of the opinion that it is in my genes. The medical profession seem blinkered to any other cause or catalyst, and I'm going to have a devil of a job trying to convince them otherwise.

Fortunately, I do feel strong enough to hopefully be able to explain this to the psychiatrist tomorrow. We'll just have to wait and see if they actually listen.