Quiet Time

Mood Rating: 6/10

I've been putting off writing this entry for a week now. There's no particular reason; I'm just feeling a bit on the quiet side since I saw my pdoc last Tuesday.

It was a pointless venture. He's concentrating on my agoraphobia too much. If I felt well in myself, I'd be more likely to venture out, but he doesn't seem to see it that way.

He did increase my anti-depressants to 375mg (Venlafaxine) from 300mg. I also have to take all my tablets at 4am (the earlier the better, you see). It's a bit of a chore waking at 4am daily, but at least I manage to get back to sleep. Apparently, Venlafaxine can be a sedative for some and can keep others awake. I must admit, I'm sleeping much better now I'm taking them in the morning.

Because my pdoc is focusing on the agoraphobia, he's trying to force me into going to the local day unit each week for therapy. I went there once before, just to see what it was like, and it was a nightmare. I'm sure it works for some, but it's just not my bag. I don't need to be made to feel anymore crazy than I already do, and that's what that place makes me feel like. Pdoc doesn't understand and thinks I'm just being difficult, but I'm truly not.

On the plus side, I hadn't put on any weight over Christmas. Then again, I haven't lost any either. My GP is dragging her heels on writing to the Primary Care Trust about the bariatric surgery. I've phoned her secretary once, but it looks like I might have to chase them again. The PCT meet once a month for this kind of thing, so once she writes to them, I've got at least a month to wait before I'll hear whether I've got the funding or not. It's a waiting game.

I'm still not working. My sick note runs out on Sunday, so I'm meant to begin working again. My husband phoned the GP today to see whether she'd sign me off for longer, but she never called back. I don't know what I'll do if she won't sign me off - I'm not ready to go back to work, and right now, I can't see that changing for the foreseeable future. I feel like such a waster, but I don't know what else to do.

Another fly in the ointment: I applied for Employment Support Allowance and got turned down because I hadn't paid enough National Insurance. I thought that was a bit odd, seeing as I pay it monthly by direct debit, but on looking into it I found that HMRC had stopped the DD about 2.5 years ago and I hadn't noticed. They'd also failed to inform me of this. So I've had to borrow £240 off my father-in-law so that I can pay the arrears then claim ESA - it's a mad world. I desperately need the ESA payments, but that's a few weeks off. I'm got to pay HMRC, wait for the payment to clear then re-apply for ESA. How hard can the government make this?

I think I'm on a decline. I usually post numerous status updates on Facebook, and I Tweet all the time too, but I haven't done either for a few days now. A friend even text me tonight to see if I was alright. I feel stable, but I'm stuck on the depressive side of things. Hey ho.

Down Time

Mood Rating: 6/10

Feeling a little sorry for myself this evening. I've been talking to an old friend online who also has agoraphobia and anxiety issues. However, she manages to hold down a part-time job, enjoys studying, and has 3 children - she's got everything I long for. I'm not at all jealous, but definitely envious. I'm in my 30s now, I don't want to wake up and find myself in my 40s still longing for the same things. How do I change my whole life?

I'm counting down the days until I see my pdoc. I've got a lot to discuss with him. I just hope he doesn't dismiss my depression as being all down to weight issues - he's concentrating on that a little too much. Yes, it's an issue, but if my mind was in its rightful place, I might be more willing to do something about the rest of my life. I guess I'm looking for that illusive magic pill that will solve all my problems. I know it doesn't exist, but it doesn't stop me wanting it.

Up Early

Woke up at around 6.30am this morning. Bloody Aripiprazole! It's nice, during the week, to be up early as I get a lot done. I used to sleep for 12 hours at a time, now I only get about 6 hours' sleep in one go. However, on the weekends, it'd be nice to lay in, just till 9-10am. My husband could sleep for England, and probably won't get up until I wake him up. I wouldn't get any sleep at all if it weren't for the sleeping tablets. I'm terrified that I won't be prescribed any more when I go back to my pdoc on the 19th. If he doesn't prescribe me any sleeping pills, Aripiprazole and I may have to part ways. I've spent years battling insomnia and I don't want to get back into all that now - I haven't the energy for it.

I haven't yet heard anything from the ESA form that I sent off. It's going to take ages to get any money out of them (IF I do!) as I'm bound to have to have a medical before they pay out. I'm dreading it. Not only will I have to go out, the medical is notoriously difficult for mental health patients as the questions asked don't cater for us. There are various articles online about getting your point across, so I may have to re-read them before I go.

I've started another blog. I created this one to help me with bipolar, but I don't like adding in too much of my everyday life. Recently, this blog has become a bit too personal, so I'm going to revert back to my anonymous-type ramblings and keep everyday things for the other blog. Talk about two lives!

Finally, it looks like the forecast heavy snow has bypassed my region. Everything has started to thaw - even our blocked bathroom sink has thawed out now. I'm gutted - I love a good bit of snow. I guess there's still hope as it's only early.

Sleep

Mood Rating: 7/10

Last night proved that I need the sleeping pills I've been prescribed. I was really tired, so I went to bed early and took a sleeping tablet just beforehand. I tossed and turned, and my mind raced, before the pill kicked in. Insomnia is a side effect of Aripirazole. I'm seeing my pdoc in 12 days' time, so I'm hoping that he'll prescribe me some more, otherwise I don't know what I'll do. As it is, the sleeping tablets wear off by around 6am, and the Aripiprazole wakes me up. I'm certainly in a healthy sleep routine now, even if it is aided.

I'm now taking 300mg of Venlafaxine and 30mg of Aripiprazole daily. I'm also on Metformin for PCOS, and of course there's the sleeping pills. I'd like to think that I'll one day be free from medication, but it's doubtful.

It's absolutely freezing cold here at the moment. Everywhere has run out of house coal, so we've had to resort to using some synthetic stuff, which just doesn't produce the heat of normal coal. I've also got the heating on, but I'm still cold. It snowed for about 24 hours yesterday, and now the snow's just compacted into thick ice - it's treacherous. The forecast is for more snow from tomorrow (Friday) until Sunday, which is a lot for us here in the south of the UK. Apparently, this is the coldest winter we've had in 30 years. My poor dog is shivering at the moment - best go and cover her up.