Sleep Deprivation

It's nearly 4am an I just can't sleep. I'm starting a new business this week selling greeting cards, gift wrap and stationary. It's another self-employed business, so there's a lot to think about, which is why I'm not sleeping. I go to bed, get tired, turn off the light and 'ping!' I'm wide awake again.

I'm so excited about Phoenix Trading (the new business). I think it's a great opportunity for me (and many others), but I worry that I won't make it work. I've tried selling cosmetics before, but that didn't work out too well. I think that the greeting cards are a better bet. More people require them and the products themselves are of top quality.

I'm going to have to put in a lot of hard work. It's going to be difficult not basing everything on an hourly wage, which is what I'm used to with 63336. I get to set my own targets, though, and I'm used to doing that.

As for my mood, I'm rather manic at the moment. I think that it's mostly just excitment, but I guess it could be the Venlafaxine. I think things will return to normal when I get my business pack and I can truly start planning. I'm hoping the pack will arrive on Tuesday. I posted my application form off today, but I'm pretty sure that post is collected on a Sunday for processing, so it should arrive with Phoenix tomorrow.

I've already started networking more on Twitter and Facebook. You get a free website with the business pack, so I can promote that for customers who aren't local to me. I'm also planning on doing some parties and fetes, etc. I'm hoping this venture will give me the kick up the butt to move outside of the house more. I really want this to work, and, so far, I've made all the right moves. I guess time will tell.

On the Up

I had an appointment with my pdoc 2 days ago. I was dreading it because I thought he'd harp on about my agoraphobia, which he did a little. However, in general, the appointment went really well. I've lost a stone and my mood has improved no end. I even managed not to cry on seeing him! I haven't got to go back to see him now unless I need to. Bless him, he even asked me to keep in touch just to tell him how I'm doing.

On another doctor topic, my GP has know written to the PCT (Primary Care Trust) in regards to gastric banding. I'm really relieved about that because she agreed to write to them in November, but she hadn't done so until the other day. I have the feeling that she may have been waiting until the new financial year. I'm so excited! I shouldn't be really, as this is just the beginning. I may have to appeal their decision, but we'll deal with that if/when it happens.

More good news: I received the results of my smear test today. I was quite worried when I opened the letter as I only had the test 2 weeks ago, but thankfully the results were 'normal'. That's a weight off my mind.

Work's going quite well. I should have worked a bit more this week, but I haven't. Loads of researchers log on during the last week of the month to get their stats in order, so it's hard to earn anything. It's a bit of an excuse, really, but I'm sticking to it. It's my first month back and I don't want to reach burnout anytime soon. Other than that, I've done really well. I got 100% in my review and I've managed to get into the Top 5 twice over the weekend (means a lot to me).

I've even decided to start a new venture: Phoenix Trading. It's an occassion card and gift wrap company. I'm going to give it a good go and see how it pans out. It means that I'm going to have to leave the house, but I'm hoping that this may break the cycle of being afraid to go out.

That's it, really. All good, positive news. I'm looking forward to the future again.

Animal Therapy

I'm feeling pretty good today. I finished work by 9.45am, so I had the rest of the day to myself. I've just started fostering animals for a local rescue centre, and I was due 3 rats and 3 gerbils today. Sadly, the rats were poorly, so they went to a local rat lady, whilst I got the gerbils. Unfortunately, one was DOA. The other two are fine. My cat's sitting on top of their cages hoping the doors will pop open.

I'm a real animal lover, but I can't keep on buying them. I have 2 cats, 2 chinchillas and a dog of my own. I've just taken in 3 cockatiels from a friend who's having problems with Social Services at the moment, so I won't have them for too long with any luck.

The bit I'm a little worried about is when people have to come round to view the animals. I'm quite nervous around people, although I don't think it shows. I guess they won't be staying, so I'm sure it'll be okay.

Work's going rather well. I'm a little behind this week, but I'm not that worried. I got 100% on my latest review, so I can't be doing badly. Thing is, I enjoy work whilst it's going well, but I can't seem to cope when I hit a rough patch - I never seem to be able to dig myself out of a hole. My manager is never worried, but I worry - a lot. But, as I say, it's going well at the moment, so I should be thankful and just get on with it.

ESA = Waste of Time

Well, what can I say? I was expecting to get about £1,200, but I got nothing. Apparently, there's a 6 week penalty if you pay your NI late, so I wouldn't have been able to claim until 9 March 2010 (6 weeks after paying £230 in NI). I'm back at work now, so I can't claim. What annoyed me was that I couldn't even get the back pay from September 2009 - I just got a big fat nothing. I cried on the phone to the ESA people, and all they said was, "Do you want the number for Crisis Loans?" No, I fucking don't! How the hell would I pay back a loan when I've got nothing?! Useless.

My GP never phoned back to sign me off for February either, not that it mattered. My husband and I scrabbled around for money throughout February and we've got enough to get us through March. I've started working again, which isn't going too badly. I'm also doing a bit of work for my father-in-law. It fits in with my normal work, and it's extra money, so we should be okay. I'm not earning what I used to because it's too stressful for me. I had a bit of a wobble the other night when I didn't meet my target, but I've managed to catch up this morning, so all's well.

Next stressful thing is my Self Assessment in April. I haven't earnt enough to pay tax, thank God, but it's a nightmare to fill in. Why do the government think we're all brain surgeons?

I've got my next appointment with my pdoc on 23 March. Dreading it really. I haven't managed to conquer the agoraphobia, but I do feel a lot better. Thing is, he's going to want to see that I've been out more. I just don't WANT to go out. I'm happy in my little bubble. I do manage to go out if I need to now, which is an improvement, but I'm not walking the dog daily like I promised (hubby does that). Oh well. What's the worst he can do?