Crisis Team

Mood Rating: 5/10

I'm still pretty miserable. I got extremely drunk last night, which has probably served to make my depression even worse, but it felt good at the time.

I had a call from the Crisis Team today: they were going to visit, but we made arrangements for them to come tomorrow instead. I'm not keen on the idea, but my husband really wants me to see them again. I'm tired of having to ask people to help me; why can't I manage it alone? I feel pathetic and useless.

I'm still having suicidal thoughts, and they're very tempting. I know I always say the same thing, but I just don't want to carry on - it's such a struggle all of the time; is it really worth it?

So Close...

The following was a draft post from a few days ago:

Mood Rating: 4/10

I came within spitting distance of another suicide attempt just now. My husband's gone out and left the keys to the medicine cabinet. I stood there with the cabinet open just looking at the tablets. I don't know why I didn't go ahead with it because I'm feeling really low. I've cried yet again this evening for no reason.

Life is just stretching out before me... another maybe 60 years of this awful, gut-wrenching nothingness.

Nothing much has changed since I wrote that. I'm maybe feeling just a tiny bit better, but I'd still like it all to end, one way or another. If I had those keys now... well...

It's a cliche but I feel like I'm stuck in an abyss and I can't find a way out.

My flat looks like a bomb has struck, but I just haven't the energy to do anything about it. It makes me feel bad living in a tip, and I feel guilty for not tidying up, but I just feel so shit all the time.

I just want to die.

Doctor's

Mood Rating: 4/10

I took myself off to the doctor's today as I've been noticing that my mood has been pretty low over the past few weeks. It's fairly stable, but I'm definitely experiencing more low days once again. My GP has increased the dosage of Olanzipine to 15mg/day and she's going to have a discussion with my pdoc about it.

I've noticed my suicidal thought patterns increasing again. I'm not consciously thinking of suicide, but the thought often pops into my head. I'm having at least 2 days a week like this, and I'm hating it, obviously.

I still haven't come to terms with everything. I can't get my head around the fact that I'm going to be like this forever. Even if I have a really good period, these black moods will never be far away. To top it off, I often feel guilty about putting my husband through all of this. I've even contemplated leaving him so that he could find someone else. That sounds crazy, but it's so unfair to drag him down with me.

On the plus side, I received a Disability Living Allowance payment today. Apparently, most mental health patients are turned down as they fill the form in wrong, but I obviously got something right. I'm not sure what scale they're paying me, as I think that they've backdated this payment. Now we've got to apply for Carer's Allowance for hubby.

I don't know what to think now. I'm not sure that I trust Olanzipine to do the trick fully. I guess it's a day at a time again - waiting for another low ebb. I swear I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Social Phobia

Mood Rating: 5/10

Yesterday Ann came to visit me to discuss how we're going to tackle my social phobia. She discovered just how self-conscious I am, and we spoke about the possibility of me getting promoted at work. This would entail a trip to London once a month, so we're going to work on travelling on public transport in case I get the job. I'm going to meet her in town next week for a coffee. We'll work up to supermarkets at a later date.

It's pretty sad, but I discovered that I actually don't really know what's acceptable in the big wide world anymore. For instance, I haven't a clue whether it's the done thing for people to grab a coffee on their own and read a book. This makes me panic because I don't want to look out of place. I've hidden myself away from the world for so long that I no longer know what's what.

I'm quite looking forward to tackling this as it will make me feel a bit more 'normal'. It'd be nice to be able to pop into town on my own to get a present, for instance, without having to wait for a time when someone else is free to accompany me.

Tomorrow I'm going to start Weight Watchers. I think I'll be going to that alone as my friend hasn't got back to me. I don't want to go alone, but I desperately want to lose weight - again, to help me feel more 'normal'.

My mood hasn't been that great this week. I don't think I've risen above a 5. If it carries on, I'll have to visit my GP again. I guess they could up my medication, but I don't really know for sure.

Hubby's out today so I think I'll go and catch some sun to cheer myself up.

Weepy

Mood Rating: 5/10

Had another 'off' day today. Been a bit moody and generally low for most of the day. Hubby and I went to my mum's for the afternoon and I was okay then, but on coming home I felt a bit down. I ended up crying when hubby gave me a hug. I feel so pathetic. I also feel guilty for starting hubby's week off on the wrong foot. I can't tell you how much I wish to just be 'normal'.

God! This must be THE most boring blog on Earth.

I've got Ann visiting tomorrow to hopefully help me with the social phobia. I'm not sure what she'll devise for us to do, but I'll give it a whirl.

Other than that, neither of us have any plans for the week. Hubby reckons that he's going to tackle some DIY around the home, but that's got to be seen to be believed. To be honest, all I want to do is get drunk. I really need a good night out: something out of the ordinary to lift my spirit. Lifting my spirit would be a miracle in itself.

Low Ebb

Mood Rating: 4/10

It's quite frightening to reach a 4 on the mood scale; it's been a while. I've been fine all day, but this evening I'm pretty miserable for no apparent reason. We went to take the dog down the beach, but the roads were blocked off so we came home again. I've done a little bit of work, which has lifted my mood very slightly, but I'm still feeling pretty crap.

This is what I hate. There's just no ridding myself of these black moods. They're a part of my life forever, which is daunting to say the least. I desperately want to be cured, but there's just no hope of that.

All I can do is take one day at a time. That's all well and good, but you just can't plan for the future. If we move house, will I be able to continue working in order to keep the roof over our heads? It's just horrid.

Pdoc and Social Phobia

Mood Rating: 6/10

I met with my care coordinator and my pdoc this morning. Both of them are really pushing for me to join the Acre Day Hospital's group therapy sessions. I have tried to tell them that I won't be taking up the offer, but they really have tried to back me into a corner. My pdoc is of the opinion that I will not beat my social phobia unless I join a group. Groups aren't really the problem though, I just don't want to join in at this day hospital. Call me snobby, but the people there are not my cup of tea. It's very hard to explain, but if I don't like the people, I'm not likely to get on very well.

Anyway, the meeting went well, other than that. I'm still to continue with my meds and I'll still be seeing the care coordinator. Plus, I met with another care coordinator today called Ann. She deals with social phobias too. She tends to use graded exposure to help people overcome their problems, which is far more my cup of tea. I've already been pushing myself to go to new places and do things that I haven't done for years, so I think that, with Ann's help, I WILL manage to overcome this hurdle WITHOUT group therapy.

My husband is currently meeting with someone from the mental health team to have a carer's assessment. I'm not sure what it entails or what will come of it, but we both felt that he needed some support too. It's a 2-hour appointment, so he should come away with a good idea of things.

I'm still waiting to hear about the Disability Living Allowance. I can't believe it takes them this long. I so hope that I get it. Back payment would also help. I'm not managing to work very much at the moment, so any extra funding would be more than welcome.

My mood was pretty low earlier. I think it was mainly to do with lack of sleep, but I felt so rough that I took myself off to bed this afternoon. I've woken up in a better mood, but it's still nothing to shout about. I'm so tired of constantly thinking about my moods and when the next low mood will strike. I'd give anything to be 'normal'.

Back on Track

I'm feeling much better again now. I think last week was a bit wobbly because I'd been ill AND I was dealing with my feelings about not getting the promotion at work. I should be viewing work more positively - they're bound to recruit another SR (Senior Researcher) within a few months as the company is getting bigger and better all the time. Here's a press release due out in the morning:

63336 breaks into the top ten most valuable mobile phone numbers

AQA 63336 acquires one millionth customer as it enters the top ten

London, UK – 4th June 2007 – IssueBits, the provider of the AQA (Any
Question Answered) 63336 text question and answer service, today
announces that according to leading UK network operators O2, Orange,
Three and Vodafone, 63336 is now one of the top ten most valuable
numbers in the UK, ranked by numbers of texts sent and also consumer
spend. IssueBits also announces that AQA acquired its millionth
customer on 3rd June 2007.

"It's taken three years of great answers, excellent customer service,
and carefully targeted marketing to grow to one million customers, a
significant milestone for any company. With peaks of over 18,000
questions per day AQA 63336 is now one of the most popular mobile
phone services in the UK," said Colly Myers, CEO. "Our next milestone
is to become the most valuable number in the UK. Focusing on improving
quality and increasing our marketing spend we aim to pass two million
customers within 15 months."

Since AQA's launch in April 2004 over 6.5 million questions have been
texted from UK and Irish phone users, ranging from `Why is the sky
blue?' to `How many Cornish pasties would fit in Buckingham Palace?'.
The answers are provided in minutes by a team of over 700 home based
researchers who are paid per answer.

AQA costs £1 to text 63336 in the UK, and €2 to text 57275 in Ireland.
For more information, and to try AQA out for free, customers should
visit www.63336.com.

I've just got to be patient, I guess.

I'm seeing my pdoc on Tuesday morning. I'm not expecting much as it's a kind of check up to see that I'm doing okay on the Olanzipine, which I am. We're (my care coordinator and I) are going to question my diagnosis too. Everyone from the mental health team that I've met is of the opinion that I'm not necessarily bipolar. My 'highs' may seem very out of character for me, but only because I suffer such crippling lows. I don't know what to think, to be honest. I think I am still bipolar, but maybe I'm at the bottom of the range. It's a funny sliding scale from personality disorders right through to the top whack of bipolar. I guess I'll find out on Tuesday.