Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

This is my first creation of the year. This pumpkin took about 2 hours, but it kept me occupied. I really enjoy Halloween; I'm not sure why. I tend to prefer the dark evenings and cooler weather, though. I've also always been a fan of horror movies, since I was about 4 years old.

I believe that I passed a real milestone yesterday: I was raped by a 'friend' when I was 14, and it took me 10 years to see any light at the end of the tunnel. However, yesterday (13 years on) I happened across a link to his website, as he's now a singer/songwriter. I actually manged to look at the site and laugh - he'll never be well known! I had absolutely no adverse feelings whilst I looked at the site. I just never believed that I'd reach this point. It'd be a different matter if I saw him in the flesh, but for now I'm overjoyed that I've come this far.

Sadly, all is not well, though. I'm still very dizzy and everything seems surreal all of the time. I'm also not sleeping properly. I am sleeping - which is something - but I wake up often and getting off to sleep takes hours. I've had about 3 hours' sleep, so I'm likely to be a bit zombie-like today. I'm due to see my GP on Friday to check my lithium levels since I was increased to 800mg/day on Friday last week. I do feel a bit better for it, so maybe we've found that happy medium at last.

I read a post on the MDF forum a couple of days ago from someone who was kind of complaining about other members who let bipolar rule their lives. Now, I don't know what it's like when you've had this illness for a number of years and you've known about it, but from the point of view of someone who is very new to all of this, it DOES rule your life. Depression alone can be all consuming, but combined with a cocktail of horrendous drugs you have a constant reminder of the illness.

Obviously, I'm still bitter about having bipolar, but I've recently made a new online friend who has cancer. In an e-mail I said, "Why us, ay?" to which her reply was something along the lines of, "But why not?". It certainly made me think. I would never wish ill on people, but if there are those who are more deserving, I just don't believe that I'm one of them. In fact, I know a lot of people who have died, and all of them were wonderful, kind, considerate, friendly people with families. Does Karma exist?

I'm actually not a believer in any religion/faith. My mother was raised as a Catholic and my father Church of England. Us children were left to our own devices and none of us are believers. I have far too much of a scientific brain to believe in a deity. I'm far more comfortable with the Big Bang theory. That said, I'm certainly not anti-religion. If a faith gives some people hope and aids their moral fibre, then so be it. In fact, I am sometimes a little envious of believers. I'd like to have something which gives me hope during the most bleak times, but try as I might, I cannot let myself go enough to absorb the subject matter without question.

So, on to another day...