New Facets
Well, I knew that I had only just begun learning about this illness and all that it has to offer, but I hadn't banked on a lot of it.
As my last post mentioned, my dosage of Venlafaxine had been lowered by 75mg. This turned out to be too much for my brain to cope with and I ended up delusional (expecting Sky to broadcast a particular programme just because I like it so much), paranoid (thinking that I was saying or doing the wrong things and that everyone was looking at me), I suffered minor hallucinations and disturbances in sight and smell. I also felt - and still do - very dizzy and surreal, as though at any moment someone could wake me up and tell me that it's all been a dream.
After suffering for one weekend, I went back to the doctor's and was promptly told to go back to the original dose of Venlafaxine. Within 2 days, most of the symptoms had gone, but 10-days on, I am still dizzy and everything is still surreal.
I went back to see my usual doctor today, and received some bad news. Although she feels that the reduced dosage of Venlafaxine was responsible for most of the symptoms I presented, the delusions are more likely to be part of bipolar. She feels that the reduced dosage unmasked some of the more disturbing characteristics associated with bipolar. This is what I had feared.
In light of this discovery, she has taken my blood to check the lithium levels before increasing the dosage again. She's pretty convinced that, although I am in what is known as the theraputic range, the levels aren't quite high enough to control the symptoms.
One thing that this episode has shown me is that I am not coming to terms with being diagnosed. I also believe that what I perceive as 'triggers' need to be dealt with by a professional. I have e-mailed a female counsellor who is local to me, and I intend to give it a shot. I could quite easily ask my GP to refer me, but this way I get to choose who I divulge my deepest, darkest secrets to. I wanted to find a fairly young female as, although I'm sure counsellors hear some shocking things, I don't think an older person would relate so well to what I'm going through and what I've been through. I shall give one session a go to see whether I feel this woman will suit me and my issues, but I'll continue the search if she doesn't.
In the past, I have always maintained that I have plenty of people to talk to, but now I fear that I could bore them and, to be honest, there are things which I need to get off of my chest that I just cannot discuss with anyone I know. I can be obsessive and demanding, and I want to change these traits. I need to learn a new way of thinking about my life and I hope that counselling/therapy can do that for me. Until now, I hadn't truly acknowledged the amount of emotional baggage that I carry with me each day. I only hope that I can afford enough treatment to help myself. Having not worked properly for 3-months now, money is becoming tight. My parents and in-laws have offered to help, so that should ease the burden. I just cannot carry on in this vein. The past 2-weeks have honestly frightened me and the prospect of spending my life in fear of the afore mentioned symptoms scares the hell out of me. If only people understood what a terrible affliction this is.
In the Stephen Fry documentary, many sufferers said that they'd not change their illness for the world. I'm sure that these people must be the types to experience more manic episodes than depressive. Vice versa - as I suffer - it's a different story. I hate it. I hate taking the medications, I hate the stigma which is attached to mental illness, and I'm utterly petrified of my, as yet, undiscovered characteristics. I'm not one to worry about illness. I fear pain, but I don't fear diseases, etc. However, I can honestly say that recently I have been petrified of the unknown.
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger," I'm not convinced.
As my last post mentioned, my dosage of Venlafaxine had been lowered by 75mg. This turned out to be too much for my brain to cope with and I ended up delusional (expecting Sky to broadcast a particular programme just because I like it so much), paranoid (thinking that I was saying or doing the wrong things and that everyone was looking at me), I suffered minor hallucinations and disturbances in sight and smell. I also felt - and still do - very dizzy and surreal, as though at any moment someone could wake me up and tell me that it's all been a dream.
After suffering for one weekend, I went back to the doctor's and was promptly told to go back to the original dose of Venlafaxine. Within 2 days, most of the symptoms had gone, but 10-days on, I am still dizzy and everything is still surreal.
I went back to see my usual doctor today, and received some bad news. Although she feels that the reduced dosage of Venlafaxine was responsible for most of the symptoms I presented, the delusions are more likely to be part of bipolar. She feels that the reduced dosage unmasked some of the more disturbing characteristics associated with bipolar. This is what I had feared.
In light of this discovery, she has taken my blood to check the lithium levels before increasing the dosage again. She's pretty convinced that, although I am in what is known as the theraputic range, the levels aren't quite high enough to control the symptoms.
One thing that this episode has shown me is that I am not coming to terms with being diagnosed. I also believe that what I perceive as 'triggers' need to be dealt with by a professional. I have e-mailed a female counsellor who is local to me, and I intend to give it a shot. I could quite easily ask my GP to refer me, but this way I get to choose who I divulge my deepest, darkest secrets to. I wanted to find a fairly young female as, although I'm sure counsellors hear some shocking things, I don't think an older person would relate so well to what I'm going through and what I've been through. I shall give one session a go to see whether I feel this woman will suit me and my issues, but I'll continue the search if she doesn't.
In the past, I have always maintained that I have plenty of people to talk to, but now I fear that I could bore them and, to be honest, there are things which I need to get off of my chest that I just cannot discuss with anyone I know. I can be obsessive and demanding, and I want to change these traits. I need to learn a new way of thinking about my life and I hope that counselling/therapy can do that for me. Until now, I hadn't truly acknowledged the amount of emotional baggage that I carry with me each day. I only hope that I can afford enough treatment to help myself. Having not worked properly for 3-months now, money is becoming tight. My parents and in-laws have offered to help, so that should ease the burden. I just cannot carry on in this vein. The past 2-weeks have honestly frightened me and the prospect of spending my life in fear of the afore mentioned symptoms scares the hell out of me. If only people understood what a terrible affliction this is.
In the Stephen Fry documentary, many sufferers said that they'd not change their illness for the world. I'm sure that these people must be the types to experience more manic episodes than depressive. Vice versa - as I suffer - it's a different story. I hate it. I hate taking the medications, I hate the stigma which is attached to mental illness, and I'm utterly petrified of my, as yet, undiscovered characteristics. I'm not one to worry about illness. I fear pain, but I don't fear diseases, etc. However, I can honestly say that recently I have been petrified of the unknown.
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger," I'm not convinced.
posted by Bipolar Bear at 11:13 pm
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