Anticipation

Mood Rating: 7/10

I've had a good couple of days, mood-wise. My husband was out all of yesterday, but I spent most of the day with my mum. Today has been much the same, and I've even walked the dog. I'm still having to dress my wrist, and it's seeping a little, but I think it's healing pretty well.

I'm kind of nervous about tomorrow as I have the appointment with the psychiatrist. I honestly don't know what to expect this time as I've never seen the consultant before. Apparently, he's very thorough, so maybe there is still some hope left.

I'm by no means out of the woods yet. I think about suicide on a daily basis; not always about committing suicide, but often about different methods, etc. If someone mentions something in the future, I wonder whether I'll be here by that time.

I'm very worried that whatever treatment is suggested tomorrow will have nasty side effects again - like the lithium. I guess I can refuse certain medications, but I definitely need something that will take effect fairly quickly. I also worry that 'they' won't find the right medication for me... what then? I most certainly cannot continue as I have been. I know that there are people living with terrible diseases, etc., but I'm just not cut out for this at all. I don't want to feel this way, but I do.

My poor mother said to me the other day, "I know everything's okay when I go to sleep and your're alive and I wake up and you're still alive." That cut deeply. I do have some great people around me; everyone is so willing to help - I just wish they could help.

Anyway, here's to tomorrow.