Can't Take Much More
I can't sleep yet again. I have no Valium and I'm trying not to smoke so much cannabis. So, here I am again. I've been to bed and tried to read, but I can't follow the story; I can barely read a sentence without my mind racing off.
I took my dog down the beach alone this evening, which is something I never do. I parked the car, walked about half a mile, then sat on the beach and cried. Somehow I managed to pull myself together and carried on walking. I probably walked about 2 miles in total. I was frozen to the bone, but I just couldn't face coming home. If there was anyone I could've stayed with tonight, I would have. Don't get me wrong, it's not my husband or my home life, I just didn't want to be here, or anywhere familiar.
I'm withdrawing into myself more and more. My poor husband is at his wits end, but I just cannot physically open my mouth and tell him what's going on, probably because I don't even understand it myself. But I used to say, "Oh, I'm feeling down," or whatever, but I can't even bring myself to say that anymore.
I don't know where to turn. I have no medical contact who I can call on, and what the hell would I say? What can they honestly do for me immediately? I'm not sure I can last through another course of treatment that may or may not work.
I'm tired, my head hurts, I feel sick, I can't eat, I keep crying all the time. I just don't want to live like this. And worse, even if the doctors get me on an even keel, who's to say I won't have episodes like this in the future? What kind of future is that to look forward to? It's certainly not fair on my family; they're worried sick right now.
I'm in a bad way. I shouldn't have even driven this evening. I wasn't concentrating properly and I wasn't even sure of where I was half the time, and I know this town like the back of my hand.
I feel like I've got absolutely nowhere and no one to turn to. I can't explain all of this to my family or friends, and I don't even want to. I don't want to burden them any more than I already have.
I took my dog down the beach alone this evening, which is something I never do. I parked the car, walked about half a mile, then sat on the beach and cried. Somehow I managed to pull myself together and carried on walking. I probably walked about 2 miles in total. I was frozen to the bone, but I just couldn't face coming home. If there was anyone I could've stayed with tonight, I would have. Don't get me wrong, it's not my husband or my home life, I just didn't want to be here, or anywhere familiar.
I'm withdrawing into myself more and more. My poor husband is at his wits end, but I just cannot physically open my mouth and tell him what's going on, probably because I don't even understand it myself. But I used to say, "Oh, I'm feeling down," or whatever, but I can't even bring myself to say that anymore.
I don't know where to turn. I have no medical contact who I can call on, and what the hell would I say? What can they honestly do for me immediately? I'm not sure I can last through another course of treatment that may or may not work.
I'm tired, my head hurts, I feel sick, I can't eat, I keep crying all the time. I just don't want to live like this. And worse, even if the doctors get me on an even keel, who's to say I won't have episodes like this in the future? What kind of future is that to look forward to? It's certainly not fair on my family; they're worried sick right now.
I'm in a bad way. I shouldn't have even driven this evening. I wasn't concentrating properly and I wasn't even sure of where I was half the time, and I know this town like the back of my hand.
I feel like I've got absolutely nowhere and no one to turn to. I can't explain all of this to my family or friends, and I don't even want to. I don't want to burden them any more than I already have.
posted by Bipolar Bear at 12:29 am
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