Really Bad
Mood Rating: 5/10
Things got really bad over the weekend and continued into the week. I spent most of the time crying, begging my husband to let me go (again). I can't tell you how tangible the feeling of wanting to die is. It's a little like your heart is breaking; there's a pain in your chest and, with me, my head aches with the thoughts.
Hubby called the Crisis Team Monday night because I was inconsolable. It may sound melodramatic, but the pain of wanting to die was so great, I felt like I might just expire on the spot. Hubby offered to get his friend around which, I reckon, was more for some support for himself, which is fine. I wasn't exactly great company, but we struggled through alone anyway.
The Crisis Team suggested that I take 5mg of Olanzipine immediately to help calm me down. I took the rest of my dosage later that night and slept well. On Tuesday morning my care coordinator, and someone from the Crisis Team, visited. They called my pdoc whilst they were here and he suggested upping the Olanzipine to 20mg per day. They've also made an appointment for me to see him on Friday.
The CT didn't visit today as my hubby's nan died the weekend before last and it was her funeral today. I desperately wanted to be strong for my husband, so I went along. I managed not to cry, though it was pretty heart-wrenching. I was completely washed out come afternoon, so we left at about 2pm.
That brings us up to this evening. I've not felt that great tonight, but we've washed the dog and we're going to watch a film. Diversion tactics are slowly working again. I had past the point of them working, but I'm slowly getting things under control (I think).
It's so hard to constantly be aware of your state of mind. It's tiring just thinking about it. I don't know what will happen if this increased dosage doesn't work. I can't do this with willpower alone - I haven't the strength.
Things got really bad over the weekend and continued into the week. I spent most of the time crying, begging my husband to let me go (again). I can't tell you how tangible the feeling of wanting to die is. It's a little like your heart is breaking; there's a pain in your chest and, with me, my head aches with the thoughts.
Hubby called the Crisis Team Monday night because I was inconsolable. It may sound melodramatic, but the pain of wanting to die was so great, I felt like I might just expire on the spot. Hubby offered to get his friend around which, I reckon, was more for some support for himself, which is fine. I wasn't exactly great company, but we struggled through alone anyway.
The Crisis Team suggested that I take 5mg of Olanzipine immediately to help calm me down. I took the rest of my dosage later that night and slept well. On Tuesday morning my care coordinator, and someone from the Crisis Team, visited. They called my pdoc whilst they were here and he suggested upping the Olanzipine to 20mg per day. They've also made an appointment for me to see him on Friday.
The CT didn't visit today as my hubby's nan died the weekend before last and it was her funeral today. I desperately wanted to be strong for my husband, so I went along. I managed not to cry, though it was pretty heart-wrenching. I was completely washed out come afternoon, so we left at about 2pm.
That brings us up to this evening. I've not felt that great tonight, but we've washed the dog and we're going to watch a film. Diversion tactics are slowly working again. I had past the point of them working, but I'm slowly getting things under control (I think).
It's so hard to constantly be aware of your state of mind. It's tiring just thinking about it. I don't know what will happen if this increased dosage doesn't work. I can't do this with willpower alone - I haven't the strength.
posted by Bipolar Bear at 7:20 pm
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