Waiting
Mood Rating: 5-6/10
I'm seeing my care coordinator tomorrow and the appointment's not coming soon enough. I cried for no reason the other night and I've been feeling a bit low for a few days now. Whether I'll have the medication increased, I don't know. I've noticed old thought processes coming back, i.e. someone mentioned dying on TV and I caught myself thinking lucky thing. It's not a conscious thought, they just pop into my head. It's been happening more and more often over the past week.
This is the kind of thing that I should tell my husband about so that he can make a more informed decision about what to do, but it's just too hard to say. I'm seeing my pdoc next week, so hopefully he'll be able to help. I'd love to get started on some therapy, but we can't afford private therapy and the chances of me getting it on the NHS are slim to none. I am visiting the Acre Day Hospital again tomorrow to meet with my key worker, and she's into CBT; maybe she'll have something more to offer. Thing is, the Acre tend to work in groups which I'm not very interested in. I think that hearing a load of other people talking about their problems will just bring me down even more. I need one-to-one treatment.
I'm finding it really difficult to work again, too. Not working just makes me feel worse because I know that I'm capable of it, but I just can't do it. Also, not working means that I'll be skint again next month. Had I got the promotion, I'd have had no reason not to work. Being self-employed gives me too much lea way. The promotion would have meant that I'd have been employed so I'd have had no excuse.
There's so many people out there that are worse off than me. I wish that meant more to me than it does. I can realise that there are people who suffer far more than I, but it doesn't make my pain any less harrowing. I'm really struggling to come to terms with this illness and all that it holds.
I'm seeing my care coordinator tomorrow and the appointment's not coming soon enough. I cried for no reason the other night and I've been feeling a bit low for a few days now. Whether I'll have the medication increased, I don't know. I've noticed old thought processes coming back, i.e. someone mentioned dying on TV and I caught myself thinking lucky thing. It's not a conscious thought, they just pop into my head. It's been happening more and more often over the past week.
This is the kind of thing that I should tell my husband about so that he can make a more informed decision about what to do, but it's just too hard to say. I'm seeing my pdoc next week, so hopefully he'll be able to help. I'd love to get started on some therapy, but we can't afford private therapy and the chances of me getting it on the NHS are slim to none. I am visiting the Acre Day Hospital again tomorrow to meet with my key worker, and she's into CBT; maybe she'll have something more to offer. Thing is, the Acre tend to work in groups which I'm not very interested in. I think that hearing a load of other people talking about their problems will just bring me down even more. I need one-to-one treatment.
I'm finding it really difficult to work again, too. Not working just makes me feel worse because I know that I'm capable of it, but I just can't do it. Also, not working means that I'll be skint again next month. Had I got the promotion, I'd have had no reason not to work. Being self-employed gives me too much lea way. The promotion would have meant that I'd have been employed so I'd have had no excuse.
There's so many people out there that are worse off than me. I wish that meant more to me than it does. I can realise that there are people who suffer far more than I, but it doesn't make my pain any less harrowing. I'm really struggling to come to terms with this illness and all that it holds.
posted by Bipolar Bear at 9:25 am
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