Employment Support Allowance Nightmare

Mood Rating: 6/10

I just tried to fill out the new Employment Support Allowance booklet (yes, booklet!), but it's reduced me to tears. They want to know everything but your blood type. I've got to send in proof of address, proof of earnings, bank statements, savings statements (of which I have none), birth certificate, National Insurance card (of which I've lost), my husband's last few payslips, etc, etc. I can't believe that the government have made this so difficult! In the grand scheme of things, I have mild mental health problems, but even I can't complete this stupid form! It's a complete joke. On top of that, I'm bound to be asked to go for the medical, too. The thought of having to go out to a strange place is terrifying.

I guess there's a plus side: my GP decided (on her own) to sign me off until February 2010. At least I haven't got to worry about work for another few weeks.

I feel absolutely shite today now. I feel pathetic - I can't even fill in a form. To top it off, my mum doesn't think she'll make it round today. I could really do with the company right now, but I don't want to tell her that.

Waiting

Mood Rating: 7/10

I'm still feeling a little low but, on the whole, I feel okay. I've dabbled in just the tiniest amount of work today - I guess it's a start. I'm still panicking about having to start back full-time in the New Year, but there's nothing I can do about it.

On a more positive note, a 'bipolar' gene may have been discovered: http://genomics.weblog.glam.ac.uk/2009/11/27/mental-illness-gene-discovered. I know that Cardiff University were working on this type of thing as I took part in their study (as did Stephen Fry). It involved a detailed history, a blood test and a questionnaire; nothing too taxing. Let's hope they're getting somewhere with all the results.

I'm currently waiting to take delivery of my new mobile phone. Ordered it early Saturday morning, but it's apparently on its way now. I've gone for a Palm Pre, as I like the iPhone, but I'm not to keen on the touch screen keyboard for texting, etc. The Palm Pre seems to be somewhere in the middle of a BlackBerry and an iPhone. It'll be nice to have access to Facebook and Twitter on my phone again instead of having to login via the laptop all the time.






Just a couple of cute pictures of my dog over the weekend. She had a haircut the other day and now shivers a lot. My husband put his hat on her to keep her ears warm, LoL.

She's a 6-year-old shih tzu called Oaki. She's my substitute baby :O)

Memory Loss

I just came across this article that someone Tweeted: http://bit.ly/7qr91j

I know of a few people with depression and/or bipolar disorder who suffer with terrible memory problems. I am awful at remembering things. I can watch movies and completely forget what they're about a few days later. I've also - on at least two occasions - forgotten where I am when I'm driving a familiar route. I try not to panic, as I know that it'll only last a minute or so, but it's disconcerting all the same.

How I get through Christmas is beyond me.

Not Going Out

Mood Rating: 6/10

I've been feeling a little on the low side today. I was due to take my dog to the groomer's today, but I found that I just couldn't. Fortunately, my mum stepped in and took her for me. My mum's an absolute star. She comes round everyday to keep me company for a few hours - I could never tire of her presence.

All I've managed to do today is pack my husband's Christmas stocking, put the dishwasher on and build the fire. I feel so lazy at times, but I just don't have the energy to do anything about it.

As always, work is playing on my mind. I'm ticking off the days until I'll have to start again, and I'm dreading every minute of it already. I'm still trying to get hold of my GP to get her to backdate my sick note, but it's proving a tough job.

I'm also disgusted with my niece. She got herself pregnant last year aged just 16. Everyone told her what a bad idea it was (for her) to have a baby at that age, as we knew she wouldn't cope. To cut a long story short, she split up with the father and is with someone new. Now the father is declaring undying love for her, but taunting her at the same time. He told her that he had a better life than her as he didn't have a baby to look after. She broke down, said she wasn't coping and that she was thinking of calling in the social. I can't believe that she could be so selfish! This is a litter person we're talking about, for God sake! Now the father's parents are talking about going for custody. It just disgusts me that people can be so callous. As you know, I long for a baby, but for some reason I can't have one. Why are people like my niece allowed to procreate? I'm baffled.

I don't think it's a case of PND. In fact, I know it's not. It's more to do with not being able to go out with her friends when she feels like it. She needs to stop and think how good she actually has it: Her father provids a roof over her head for free, and feeds her. She doesn't work, but lives off the state. She has babysitters on tap, and even takes her baby to stay at her new boyfriend's house a number of nights a week.

I don't know. I'm just astounded that some people can't love their children properly.

Happy Days

Mood Rating: 8/10

I've had rather a lazy day today; been watching Twitter feeds on TweetDeck for most of it. It's nice to find so many people who are like me.

My mum didn't come round today (as she normally does) as she's not very well. Not sure if I've made it clear before now, but I have quit going out. I only go to my Pdoc, GP and anything else which I can't get out of, which isn't much. I've been like this since about August time. I could count my outings on my fingers since then. It's okay though, I quite like my own company and I enjoy being in my house. My Pdoc and GP are always on at me to get out more, but I just don't want to. I'm waiting for a time when I DO want to go out, then I'll know it's the right time to try.

Other than reading Tweets, I've put more Christmas decorations up, cleaned the kitchen, tidied, fed the animals and watched TV - it's been blissful! I relish days like these, as I'm truly happy. I guess if I were really down, I wouldn't want my own company. I had one day earlier this week when I was really down, but other than that, I've been okay-ish. I dare say that my mood has something to do with not working at the moment. When the pressure of money and work come into the equation, I tend to go down rapidly. I don't know what the answer is, but I'll keep you posted.

Not a Good Day

Mood Rating: 6/10

Feeling a little down and sorry for myself today. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for 4.5 years. A few months ago, we found out that his brother's girlfriend was pregnant, which I found very hard to deal with. Today, they've just found out that they're having a girl - my dream is to have a girl, too. I am pleased for them, it's a really exciting time for anyone, but having it so close to home is really hard for me to deal with. Hubby's a little upset, but he's excited because this will be his first niece; I have 5 nieces and a great nephew.

I dunno, it's just hit me really hard today. I've only just pushed myself into having a wash and getting into clean clothes, and it's 1.15pm. I'm sure it'll pass, but by God it hurts.

I'm also counting down the days (in a bad way) until I HAVE to start work again. I know I can't cope with it right now, and I know nothing's going to change within 4 weeks. I wish I could be signed off indefinitely. I don't want to sponge off the state, but I really just can't cope with the stress; I'm a genuine case, but I feel like people will see me as a fake, a lay-about that doesn't want to work, which just isn't true. It's a tough battle, not only with society, but within my own mind. I want to be able to rely on myself, but I'm just not well enough to.

I'm finding loads of other bipolar sufferers on Twitter, which is kind of soothing. I spend a lot of time on my own, and I often feel very isolated, but reading other people's thoughts on the subject can be very helpful. Some of them make me feel strong and others really tear at the heartstrings. Of course, some are just plain annoying, and clearly from people who are jumping on the band wagon. I can't believe that anyone would WANT to be bipolar, but it seems to be becoming some kind of status... sad.

Wrapping

Mood Rating: 8/10

I've spent the day alone today - usually not a good thing - but I've got quite a bit of Christmassy stuff done. I've wrapped all the presents I can, but I've run out of tags, grrr! Found a few extra decorations in an odd box and decorated the hallway. Going to get a real tree for the dining room next weekend, I think. I want it to look lovely for Christmas Day, as this will be the first time I've hosted Christmas; I'm so looking forward to it.

Hubby's been off airsofting all day in Reading. He's just text to say he'll be home about 7pm. I'm betting it'll be closer to 8pm.

I've no plans for this evening, except for watching X Factor. I want Stacey or Olly to win, although I think Joe might swipe it. Read an article from The Sun online today that reckons that Olly and Danyl have given up all hope of winning because Simon's picked a Disney song for the winner to release. They believe that such a song won't be suited to them, so Simon must obviously be routing for Stacey or Joe. Must feel 'great' when your own judge gives up on you.

As for my mood: it's pretty good today. I don't feel under pressure to work at weekends, so I don't get stressed out. I've had TweetDeck open this evening and I must've set up a search on 'bipolar' when I first downloaded it. I've been reading various Tweets about people being bipolar for a while. I can't believe how some people use it. One person said, "You don't fuck with a bipolar person and think you can get away with it..." wtf? Others use the term bipolar to discribe their general mood, ie. if they're feeling a little on edge or angry they'll say, "I'm feeling bipolar'. Just goes to show that there needs to be a bit more in the way of education about mental health.

Who Was I Kidding?

Alas, the good mood didn't last that long. Around August time I started to see signs of a low period coming on. I spoke to my GP who arranged a meeting with my pdoc again. He put me on some new anti-psychotic drugs called Aripiprizole. The downside is that these tablets stop you sleeping well, so I'm on sleeping tablets for a few months, too.

On the upside, the pdoc noticed that I'm really struggling to lose weight. I have PCOS, and the Olanzipine made me put on even more weight, so I find it really hard to shift a pound or two. He suggested that I see my GP and ask about gastric banding. I put the GP visit off and off, but my husband came with me last week, and the GP is in favour of it and is going to write a letter to the powers that be. I've wanted this for so long now, but I new I couldn't pay for it myself. I didn't think that the GP would be interested in this idea in the slightest, but she didn't put up a fight at all. Let's just hope that the good old NHS feel the same.

As for my mood, I haven't worked for 3 months, but I tried starting again this week. I'm not doing very well...

Next day: Been signed off work for another month. My GP's also going to look into backdating a sick note so that I may claim for the months I haven't worked; that's a relief - we can't cope on my husband's wage alone.

On the plus side of things, the company I work for, 63336, have released a TV advert, which you can see here: http://url.ie/389k. Hopefully, this will boost the company even more. We've answered over 20 million questions already, and we're just going from strength to strength. This advert has caused a lot of controversy on YouTube. There are a lot of people who think that both the shortcode and the company logo are masonic or something to do with the Illuminati. It's just a simple text message question and answer service, but some people will read into things what they want.

Anyhoo, here's to another day. I feel like I'm slowly getting better, but it's such a long road; and very slow going.