Insomnia

Awake again. I've tried going to bed: I made a hot water bottle and read, but my mind is just racing. I have nothing specific to ponder, but I don't think that my brain knows that. It seems to belive that it has a limited time to think every possible thought on Earth, and that time usually kicks in at bedtime.

Don't get me wrong, I am very tired, I just can't get to sleep. My eyes ache, my arms are heavy and I can even get to that dozing phase, but then my thoughts tumble in to wake me up.

I know that my husband and my family are very worried, but there's nothing I can do to stop them worrying. Even if I go back to the doctor and follow their instructions, they'd all still worry. They've all got problems of their own to deal with, and I do know about them, but I just cannot muster the energy to worry about them. I kind of feel for them, and I honestly care with all of my heart, but I just cannot deal with worrying about their individual problems. It's the selfishness issue once again.

Christmas IS playing on my mind. It's not so much the money worries, but more the hassle of it all and the holiday itself. As you know, I'm terrible with dealing with weekends, and Christmas and New Year are like one big, long weekend. I'm just dreading it. I'd plan something to get me through it, but I just don't know what would help. Most of our friends will be busy, so that just leaves family. I'm not keen on my in-laws, and my family, although close, is a little disjointed where us children have grown up and flown the nest. That leaves me and my husband alone in our flat like every other evening and weekend. I can feel my chest tightening now.

I need help. I was unsuccessful in finding a psychiatrist/therapist, and I'm not so sure that they could help. I'm not convinced that I could open up enough to a total stranger. My close friends obviously have their own problems, and by now they're likely sick of mine. My family don't need to know some of the things that go through my head, which just leaves my poor husband. If we manage to come out the other side of this thing still married, well, we could get through anything.

Hubby has cheated on me in the past, at times when I needed him the most. I'm sure that this illness will once again drive him off to look elsewhere. Thing is, if I say this to my friends, they think that I'm being paranoid, that it's part of my illness. I just feel so very alone and as though I'm fighting a losing battle.

Suicidal Tendencies

I'd like to start this post off with a quote from the 2000 film '28 Days':

"No one adult human being is happy! People are born, they have a limited amount of time going around thinking life is dandy but then, inevitably, tragedy strikes and they realise life equals loss! The whole point of the game is to minimise the pain caused by that equation! Now some people do it by having kids, or making money, or taking up coin collecting, and others do it by getting wasted."

I'm in agreement with pretty much all of that. I don't spend my time getting wasted, but it sure is appealing. In short, I've had an awful weekend. It looked promising on Friday night: I went out with my husband and a couple of other people, got drunk and had fun. By 2am I was sitting here on my sofa with every blister pack, bottle and box of tablets that we had in the house. I had a drink ready, and I was quietly removing all the pills in preparation when my husband found me. He took all the pills away, leaving me in floods of tears, before tryng to lump me with a guilt trip about how he needs to tell someone so that some of the burden is lifted. To be quite frank, I'm past caring. If I cared, I wouldn't have attempted suicide again, now would I?

It is a very selfish thing, but that's what this darn illness is all about. It should be called 'Me' or 'I'. I'm just so tired of it. I'm tired of blundering my way through each day, looking forward to bedtime in the hope that I can sleep and forget everything for a few hours, all just to get up and do it again. If you can't see the point of life itself, is it worth living?

I was meant to go for a blood test - just to check my lithium levels which, at the moment, need checking weekly - about 10 days ago. I can't be bothered. In fact, I'd like to just come off of all of my meds. They're not working, so I don't see a reason to stay on them. Sadly, I can't just stop taking them. Both medications have awful withdrawal symptoms, which I hate. If I say this to my GP, she'll talk me into giving it more time. Hmmm... more time for me to kill myself perhaps? More time for them to scratch their heads? More time for them to hope that I bugger off?

If you've ever had your heart broken, for whatever reason, imagine living your daily life with that feeling in your chest - you know the one? That's how I feel all of the time. Yes, there are moments when I feel pretty normal, but I think around 80-90% of my life I feel as though my heart has just died or cracked. What the hell can make you feel that way?

I've really not managed to come to terms with knowing that I'll have this godforsaken illness for the rest of my life, and I'm not sure how to tackle that. I need a guarantee, something to work towards. I'm no good without goals, I need to have an aim. I'm never going to get that and it's just a terrible, gut-wrenching feeling; I feel physically sick.

Well, I might as well end this post on a cheerful note, much like the beginning. Here's there lyrics from a song used in the afore mentioned film, '28 Days':

I'd rather be dreaming than living
Living's just too hard to do
It's chances not choices
Noises not voices
A day's just a thing to get through
Living's just too hard to do

I'd rather be dreaming than talking
There's nothing to hear or to say
With ears covered mouth closed
The world is opposed
Nothing gets in or away
There's nothing to hear or to say

I'd rather be dreaming than thinking
Thoughts are small comfort to me
Dreams might be pretend
But at least dreams end
And I just can't stop thinking you see
Thoughts are small comfort to me

I'd rather be dreaming than sleeping
Just sleeping you're just as well dead
In dreams I can fly
In dreams I don't die
That's why I lie here in this bed
Just sleeping you're just as well dead
I'd rather be dreaming

('Dreaming' by Loudon Wainwright III)