Doing Just Fine

It's a long time since I updated this blog, but that's because the going has been good. I was very ill with flu at the start of the year, so I had a day of deep depression, but it soon went.

I'm currently on 350mg of Venlafaxine and 30mg of Aripiprazole daily. It seems to be doing the trick, but I want to change to a different med from the Aripiprazole as you're not allowed to conceive whilst taking it. We tried conceiving for 5 years before I took these meds, but to no avail. My psychiatrist and my GP both want me to have a gastric band to bring my weight down, but the powers that be have refused me twice now. I can't get any infertility treatment until I have a BMI under 30, which I just can't get to with diet and exercise alone. It's a catch-22 situation.

It's a really hard decision to come off the Aripiprazole as I'm doing so well, but I want to at least TRY for a baby. I'm 31 now (32 in September) and I feel like time is ticking away.

On a happier note, I've been stable for around a year now. I thought Christmas may have been a hard time, but I got through it all just fine. In fact, apart from having flu, this year's been fairly good. I even applied for a new job (which I didn't get). There's another job in the pipeline, but I'm not sure whether to apply or not. The hours are 8.45am-4.45pm 3 days a week. The money's pretty good, but it means driving for half an hour each way - not too keen on driving anymore as I've lost my confidence. I don't know. I'll have a think on it.

Money has been really tight recently. It's getting harder and harder to earn a living from my main job. My husband is putting a little pressure on me to take this new job, but I fear it will bring me down. I know we need more money, but my health is more important to me. I do want to take the burden of money worries off of us, but I'm just not confident enough right now. This means I still have to start work at 6am every morning, although I only work till around 12pm, but it's just not sufficient.

Change of topic: Last year I started fostering animals for a local charity. I only take small furries, like hamsters, gerbils, mice and rats, but it makes me happy. I currently have 2 Roborovski hamsters, a Syrian hamster and 2 gerbils up for adoption. They're all lovely, bless them. It's so sad hearing about their backgrounds, but it's nice to know that they'll be loved whilst they're in my care at least.

So, all's good. What more can I say?

Sleep Deprivation

It's nearly 4am an I just can't sleep. I'm starting a new business this week selling greeting cards, gift wrap and stationary. It's another self-employed business, so there's a lot to think about, which is why I'm not sleeping. I go to bed, get tired, turn off the light and 'ping!' I'm wide awake again.

I'm so excited about Phoenix Trading (the new business). I think it's a great opportunity for me (and many others), but I worry that I won't make it work. I've tried selling cosmetics before, but that didn't work out too well. I think that the greeting cards are a better bet. More people require them and the products themselves are of top quality.

I'm going to have to put in a lot of hard work. It's going to be difficult not basing everything on an hourly wage, which is what I'm used to with 63336. I get to set my own targets, though, and I'm used to doing that.

As for my mood, I'm rather manic at the moment. I think that it's mostly just excitment, but I guess it could be the Venlafaxine. I think things will return to normal when I get my business pack and I can truly start planning. I'm hoping the pack will arrive on Tuesday. I posted my application form off today, but I'm pretty sure that post is collected on a Sunday for processing, so it should arrive with Phoenix tomorrow.

I've already started networking more on Twitter and Facebook. You get a free website with the business pack, so I can promote that for customers who aren't local to me. I'm also planning on doing some parties and fetes, etc. I'm hoping this venture will give me the kick up the butt to move outside of the house more. I really want this to work, and, so far, I've made all the right moves. I guess time will tell.

On the Up

I had an appointment with my pdoc 2 days ago. I was dreading it because I thought he'd harp on about my agoraphobia, which he did a little. However, in general, the appointment went really well. I've lost a stone and my mood has improved no end. I even managed not to cry on seeing him! I haven't got to go back to see him now unless I need to. Bless him, he even asked me to keep in touch just to tell him how I'm doing.

On another doctor topic, my GP has know written to the PCT (Primary Care Trust) in regards to gastric banding. I'm really relieved about that because she agreed to write to them in November, but she hadn't done so until the other day. I have the feeling that she may have been waiting until the new financial year. I'm so excited! I shouldn't be really, as this is just the beginning. I may have to appeal their decision, but we'll deal with that if/when it happens.

More good news: I received the results of my smear test today. I was quite worried when I opened the letter as I only had the test 2 weeks ago, but thankfully the results were 'normal'. That's a weight off my mind.

Work's going quite well. I should have worked a bit more this week, but I haven't. Loads of researchers log on during the last week of the month to get their stats in order, so it's hard to earn anything. It's a bit of an excuse, really, but I'm sticking to it. It's my first month back and I don't want to reach burnout anytime soon. Other than that, I've done really well. I got 100% in my review and I've managed to get into the Top 5 twice over the weekend (means a lot to me).

I've even decided to start a new venture: Phoenix Trading. It's an occassion card and gift wrap company. I'm going to give it a good go and see how it pans out. It means that I'm going to have to leave the house, but I'm hoping that this may break the cycle of being afraid to go out.

That's it, really. All good, positive news. I'm looking forward to the future again.

Animal Therapy

I'm feeling pretty good today. I finished work by 9.45am, so I had the rest of the day to myself. I've just started fostering animals for a local rescue centre, and I was due 3 rats and 3 gerbils today. Sadly, the rats were poorly, so they went to a local rat lady, whilst I got the gerbils. Unfortunately, one was DOA. The other two are fine. My cat's sitting on top of their cages hoping the doors will pop open.

I'm a real animal lover, but I can't keep on buying them. I have 2 cats, 2 chinchillas and a dog of my own. I've just taken in 3 cockatiels from a friend who's having problems with Social Services at the moment, so I won't have them for too long with any luck.

The bit I'm a little worried about is when people have to come round to view the animals. I'm quite nervous around people, although I don't think it shows. I guess they won't be staying, so I'm sure it'll be okay.

Work's going rather well. I'm a little behind this week, but I'm not that worried. I got 100% on my latest review, so I can't be doing badly. Thing is, I enjoy work whilst it's going well, but I can't seem to cope when I hit a rough patch - I never seem to be able to dig myself out of a hole. My manager is never worried, but I worry - a lot. But, as I say, it's going well at the moment, so I should be thankful and just get on with it.

ESA = Waste of Time

Well, what can I say? I was expecting to get about £1,200, but I got nothing. Apparently, there's a 6 week penalty if you pay your NI late, so I wouldn't have been able to claim until 9 March 2010 (6 weeks after paying £230 in NI). I'm back at work now, so I can't claim. What annoyed me was that I couldn't even get the back pay from September 2009 - I just got a big fat nothing. I cried on the phone to the ESA people, and all they said was, "Do you want the number for Crisis Loans?" No, I fucking don't! How the hell would I pay back a loan when I've got nothing?! Useless.

My GP never phoned back to sign me off for February either, not that it mattered. My husband and I scrabbled around for money throughout February and we've got enough to get us through March. I've started working again, which isn't going too badly. I'm also doing a bit of work for my father-in-law. It fits in with my normal work, and it's extra money, so we should be okay. I'm not earning what I used to because it's too stressful for me. I had a bit of a wobble the other night when I didn't meet my target, but I've managed to catch up this morning, so all's well.

Next stressful thing is my Self Assessment in April. I haven't earnt enough to pay tax, thank God, but it's a nightmare to fill in. Why do the government think we're all brain surgeons?

I've got my next appointment with my pdoc on 23 March. Dreading it really. I haven't managed to conquer the agoraphobia, but I do feel a lot better. Thing is, he's going to want to see that I've been out more. I just don't WANT to go out. I'm happy in my little bubble. I do manage to go out if I need to now, which is an improvement, but I'm not walking the dog daily like I promised (hubby does that). Oh well. What's the worst he can do?

Quiet Time

Mood Rating: 6/10

I've been putting off writing this entry for a week now. There's no particular reason; I'm just feeling a bit on the quiet side since I saw my pdoc last Tuesday.

It was a pointless venture. He's concentrating on my agoraphobia too much. If I felt well in myself, I'd be more likely to venture out, but he doesn't seem to see it that way.

He did increase my anti-depressants to 375mg (Venlafaxine) from 300mg. I also have to take all my tablets at 4am (the earlier the better, you see). It's a bit of a chore waking at 4am daily, but at least I manage to get back to sleep. Apparently, Venlafaxine can be a sedative for some and can keep others awake. I must admit, I'm sleeping much better now I'm taking them in the morning.

Because my pdoc is focusing on the agoraphobia, he's trying to force me into going to the local day unit each week for therapy. I went there once before, just to see what it was like, and it was a nightmare. I'm sure it works for some, but it's just not my bag. I don't need to be made to feel anymore crazy than I already do, and that's what that place makes me feel like. Pdoc doesn't understand and thinks I'm just being difficult, but I'm truly not.

On the plus side, I hadn't put on any weight over Christmas. Then again, I haven't lost any either. My GP is dragging her heels on writing to the Primary Care Trust about the bariatric surgery. I've phoned her secretary once, but it looks like I might have to chase them again. The PCT meet once a month for this kind of thing, so once she writes to them, I've got at least a month to wait before I'll hear whether I've got the funding or not. It's a waiting game.

I'm still not working. My sick note runs out on Sunday, so I'm meant to begin working again. My husband phoned the GP today to see whether she'd sign me off for longer, but she never called back. I don't know what I'll do if she won't sign me off - I'm not ready to go back to work, and right now, I can't see that changing for the foreseeable future. I feel like such a waster, but I don't know what else to do.

Another fly in the ointment: I applied for Employment Support Allowance and got turned down because I hadn't paid enough National Insurance. I thought that was a bit odd, seeing as I pay it monthly by direct debit, but on looking into it I found that HMRC had stopped the DD about 2.5 years ago and I hadn't noticed. They'd also failed to inform me of this. So I've had to borrow £240 off my father-in-law so that I can pay the arrears then claim ESA - it's a mad world. I desperately need the ESA payments, but that's a few weeks off. I'm got to pay HMRC, wait for the payment to clear then re-apply for ESA. How hard can the government make this?

I think I'm on a decline. I usually post numerous status updates on Facebook, and I Tweet all the time too, but I haven't done either for a few days now. A friend even text me tonight to see if I was alright. I feel stable, but I'm stuck on the depressive side of things. Hey ho.

Down Time

Mood Rating: 6/10

Feeling a little sorry for myself this evening. I've been talking to an old friend online who also has agoraphobia and anxiety issues. However, she manages to hold down a part-time job, enjoys studying, and has 3 children - she's got everything I long for. I'm not at all jealous, but definitely envious. I'm in my 30s now, I don't want to wake up and find myself in my 40s still longing for the same things. How do I change my whole life?

I'm counting down the days until I see my pdoc. I've got a lot to discuss with him. I just hope he doesn't dismiss my depression as being all down to weight issues - he's concentrating on that a little too much. Yes, it's an issue, but if my mind was in its rightful place, I might be more willing to do something about the rest of my life. I guess I'm looking for that illusive magic pill that will solve all my problems. I know it doesn't exist, but it doesn't stop me wanting it.

Up Early

Woke up at around 6.30am this morning. Bloody Aripiprazole! It's nice, during the week, to be up early as I get a lot done. I used to sleep for 12 hours at a time, now I only get about 6 hours' sleep in one go. However, on the weekends, it'd be nice to lay in, just till 9-10am. My husband could sleep for England, and probably won't get up until I wake him up. I wouldn't get any sleep at all if it weren't for the sleeping tablets. I'm terrified that I won't be prescribed any more when I go back to my pdoc on the 19th. If he doesn't prescribe me any sleeping pills, Aripiprazole and I may have to part ways. I've spent years battling insomnia and I don't want to get back into all that now - I haven't the energy for it.

I haven't yet heard anything from the ESA form that I sent off. It's going to take ages to get any money out of them (IF I do!) as I'm bound to have to have a medical before they pay out. I'm dreading it. Not only will I have to go out, the medical is notoriously difficult for mental health patients as the questions asked don't cater for us. There are various articles online about getting your point across, so I may have to re-read them before I go.

I've started another blog. I created this one to help me with bipolar, but I don't like adding in too much of my everyday life. Recently, this blog has become a bit too personal, so I'm going to revert back to my anonymous-type ramblings and keep everyday things for the other blog. Talk about two lives!

Finally, it looks like the forecast heavy snow has bypassed my region. Everything has started to thaw - even our blocked bathroom sink has thawed out now. I'm gutted - I love a good bit of snow. I guess there's still hope as it's only early.