Bipolar: A Way of Life

Doing Just Fine

2011-03-16T12:05:00.002Z

It's a long time since I updated this blog, but that's because the going has been good. I was very ill with flu at the start of the year, so I had a day of deep depression, but it soon went.

I'm currently on 350mg of Venlafaxine and 30mg of Aripiprazole daily. It seems to be doing the trick, but I want to change to a different med from the Aripiprazole as you're not allowed to conceive whilst taking it. We tried conceiving for 5 years before I took these meds, but to no avail. My psychiatrist and my GP both want me to have a gastric band to bring my weight down, but the powers that be have refused me twice now. I can't get any infertility treatment until I have a BMI under 30, which I just can't get to with diet and exercise alone. It's a catch-22 situation.

It's a really hard decision to come off the Aripiprazole as I'm doing so well, but I want to at least TRY for a baby. I'm 31 now (32 in September) and I feel like time is ticking away.

On a happier note, I've been stable for around a year now. I thought Christmas may have been a hard time, but I got through it all just fine. In fact, apart from having flu, this year's been fairly good. I even applied for a new job (which I didn't get). There's another job in the pipeline, but I'm not sure whether to apply or not. The hours are 8.45am-4.45pm 3 days a week. The money's pretty good, but it means driving for half an hour each way - not too keen on driving anymore as I've lost my confidence. I don't know. I'll have a think on it.

Money has been really tight recently. It's getting harder and harder to earn a living from my main job. My husband is putting a little pressure on me to take this new job, but I fear it will bring me down. I know we need more money, but my health is more important to me. I do want to take the burden of money worries off of us, but I'm just not confident enough right now. This means I still have to start work at 6am every morning, although I only work till around 12pm, but it's just not sufficient.

Change of topic: Last year I started fostering animals for a local charity. I only take small furries, like hamsters, gerbils, mice and rats, but it makes me happy. I currently have 2 Roborovski hamsters, a Syrian hamster and 2 gerbils up for adoption. They're all lovely, bless them. It's so sad hearing about their backgrounds, but it's nice to know that they'll be loved whilst they're in my care at least.

So, all's good. What more can I say?

Sleep Deprivation

2010-03-29T02:52:00.002Z

It's nearly 4am an I just can't sleep. I'm starting a new business this week selling greeting cards, gift wrap and stationary. It's another self-employed business, so there's a lot to think about, which is why I'm not sleeping. I go to bed, get tired, turn off the light and 'ping!' I'm wide awake again.

I'm so excited about Phoenix Trading (the new business). I think it's a great opportunity for me (and many others), but I worry that I won't make it work. I've tried selling cosmetics before, but that didn't work out too well. I think that the greeting cards are a better bet. More people require them and the products themselves are of top quality.

I'm going to have to put in a lot of hard work. It's going to be difficult not basing everything on an hourly wage, which is what I'm used to with 63336. I get to set my own targets, though, and I'm used to doing that.

As for my mood, I'm rather manic at the moment. I think that it's mostly just excitment, but I guess it could be the Venlafaxine. I think things will return to normal when I get my business pack and I can truly start planning. I'm hoping the pack will arrive on Tuesday. I posted my application form off today, but I'm pretty sure that post is collected on a Sunday for processing, so it should arrive with Phoenix tomorrow.

I've already started networking more on Twitter and Facebook. You get a free website with the business pack, so I can promote that for customers who aren't local to me. I'm also planning on doing some parties and fetes, etc. I'm hoping this venture will give me the kick up the butt to move outside of the house more. I really want this to work, and, so far, I've made all the right moves. I guess time will tell.

On the Up

2010-03-25T10:19:00.003Z

I had an appointment with my pdoc 2 days ago. I was dreading it because I thought he'd harp on about my agoraphobia, which he did a little. However, in general, the appointment went really well. I've lost a stone and my mood has improved no end. I even managed not to cry on seeing him! I haven't got to go back to see him now unless I need to. Bless him, he even asked me to keep in touch just to tell him how I'm doing.

On another doctor topic, my GP has know written to the PCT (Primary Care Trust) in regards to gastric banding. I'm really relieved about that because she agreed to write to them in November, but she hadn't done so until the other day. I have the feeling that she may have been waiting until the new financial year. I'm so excited! I shouldn't be really, as this is just the beginning. I may have to appeal their decision, but we'll deal with that if/when it happens.

More good news: I received the results of my smear test today. I was quite worried when I opened the letter as I only had the test 2 weeks ago, but thankfully the results were 'normal'. That's a weight off my mind.

Work's going quite well. I should have worked a bit more this week, but I haven't. Loads of researchers log on during the last week of the month to get their stats in order, so it's hard to earn anything. It's a bit of an excuse, really, but I'm sticking to it. It's my first month back and I don't want to reach burnout anytime soon. Other than that, I've done really well. I got 100% in my review and I've managed to get into the Top 5 twice over the weekend (means a lot to me).

I've even decided to start a new venture: Phoenix Trading. It's an occassion card and gift wrap company. I'm going to give it a good go and see how it pans out. It means that I'm going to have to leave the house, but I'm hoping that this may break the cycle of being afraid to go out.

That's it, really. All good, positive news. I'm looking forward to the future again.

Animal Therapy

2010-03-11T17:21:00.002Z

I'm feeling pretty good today. I finished work by 9.45am, so I had the rest of the day to myself. I've just started fostering animals for a local rescue centre, and I was due 3 rats and 3 gerbils today. Sadly, the rats were poorly, so they went to a local rat lady, whilst I got the gerbils. Unfortunately, one was DOA. The other two are fine. My cat's sitting on top of their cages hoping the doors will pop open.

I'm a real animal lover, but I can't keep on buying them. I have 2 cats, 2 chinchillas and a dog of my own. I've just taken in 3 cockatiels from a friend who's having problems with Social Services at the moment, so I won't have them for too long with any luck.

The bit I'm a little worried about is when people have to come round to view the animals. I'm quite nervous around people, although I don't think it shows. I guess they won't be staying, so I'm sure it'll be okay.

Work's going rather well. I'm a little behind this week, but I'm not that worried. I got 100% on my latest review, so I can't be doing badly. Thing is, I enjoy work whilst it's going well, but I can't seem to cope when I hit a rough patch - I never seem to be able to dig myself out of a hole. My manager is never worried, but I worry - a lot. But, as I say, it's going well at the moment, so I should be thankful and just get on with it.

ESA = Waste of Time

2010-03-06T12:48:00.002Z

Well, what can I say? I was expecting to get about £1,200, but I got nothing. Apparently, there's a 6 week penalty if you pay your NI late, so I wouldn't have been able to claim until 9 March 2010 (6 weeks after paying £230 in NI). I'm back at work now, so I can't claim. What annoyed me was that I couldn't even get the back pay from September 2009 - I just got a big fat nothing. I cried on the phone to the ESA people, and all they said was, "Do you want the number for Crisis Loans?" No, I fucking don't! How the hell would I pay back a loan when I've got nothing?! Useless.

My GP never phoned back to sign me off for February either, not that it mattered. My husband and I scrabbled around for money throughout February and we've got enough to get us through March. I've started working again, which isn't going too badly. I'm also doing a bit of work for my father-in-law. It fits in with my normal work, and it's extra money, so we should be okay. I'm not earning what I used to because it's too stressful for me. I had a bit of a wobble the other night when I didn't meet my target, but I've managed to catch up this morning, so all's well.

Next stressful thing is my Self Assessment in April. I haven't earnt enough to pay tax, thank God, but it's a nightmare to fill in. Why do the government think we're all brain surgeons?

I've got my next appointment with my pdoc on 23 March. Dreading it really. I haven't managed to conquer the agoraphobia, but I do feel a lot better. Thing is, he's going to want to see that I've been out more. I just don't WANT to go out. I'm happy in my little bubble. I do manage to go out if I need to now, which is an improvement, but I'm not walking the dog daily like I promised (hubby does that). Oh well. What's the worst he can do?

Quiet Time

2010-01-26T20:35:00.002Z

Mood Rating: 6/10

I've been putting off writing this entry for a week now. There's no particular reason; I'm just feeling a bit on the quiet side since I saw my pdoc last Tuesday.

It was a pointless venture. He's concentrating on my agoraphobia too much. If I felt well in myself, I'd be more likely to venture out, but he doesn't seem to see it that way.

He did increase my anti-depressants to 375mg (Venlafaxine) from 300mg. I also have to take all my tablets at 4am (the earlier the better, you see). It's a bit of a chore waking at 4am daily, but at least I manage to get back to sleep. Apparently, Venlafaxine can be a sedative for some and can keep others awake. I must admit, I'm sleeping much better now I'm taking them in the morning.

Because my pdoc is focusing on the agoraphobia, he's trying to force me into going to the local day unit each week for therapy. I went there once before, just to see what it was like, and it was a nightmare. I'm sure it works for some, but it's just not my bag. I don't need to be made to feel anymore crazy than I already do, and that's what that place makes me feel like. Pdoc doesn't understand and thinks I'm just being difficult, but I'm truly not.

On the plus side, I hadn't put on any weight over Christmas. Then again, I haven't lost any either. My GP is dragging her heels on writing to the Primary Care Trust about the bariatric surgery. I've phoned her secretary once, but it looks like I might have to chase them again. The PCT meet once a month for this kind of thing, so once she writes to them, I've got at least a month to wait before I'll hear whether I've got the funding or not. It's a waiting game.

I'm still not working. My sick note runs out on Sunday, so I'm meant to begin working again. My husband phoned the GP today to see whether she'd sign me off for longer, but she never called back. I don't know what I'll do if she won't sign me off - I'm not ready to go back to work, and right now, I can't see that changing for the foreseeable future. I feel like such a waster, but I don't know what else to do.

Another fly in the ointment: I applied for Employment Support Allowance and got turned down because I hadn't paid enough National Insurance. I thought that was a bit odd, seeing as I pay it monthly by direct debit, but on looking into it I found that HMRC had stopped the DD about 2.5 years ago and I hadn't noticed. They'd also failed to inform me of this. So I've had to borrow £240 off my father-in-law so that I can pay the arrears then claim ESA - it's a mad world. I desperately need the ESA payments, but that's a few weeks off. I'm got to pay HMRC, wait for the payment to clear then re-apply for ESA. How hard can the government make this?

I think I'm on a decline. I usually post numerous status updates on Facebook, and I Tweet all the time too, but I haven't done either for a few days now. A friend even text me tonight to see if I was alright. I feel stable, but I'm stuck on the depressive side of things. Hey ho.

Down Time

2010-01-10T19:46:00.002Z

Mood Rating: 6/10

Feeling a little sorry for myself this evening. I've been talking to an old friend online who also has agoraphobia and anxiety issues. However, she manages to hold down a part-time job, enjoys studying, and has 3 children - she's got everything I long for. I'm not at all jealous, but definitely envious. I'm in my 30s now, I don't want to wake up and find myself in my 40s still longing for the same things. How do I change my whole life?

I'm counting down the days until I see my pdoc. I've got a lot to discuss with him. I just hope he doesn't dismiss my depression as being all down to weight issues - he's concentrating on that a little too much. Yes, it's an issue, but if my mind was in its rightful place, I might be more willing to do something about the rest of my life. I guess I'm looking for that illusive magic pill that will solve all my problems. I know it doesn't exist, but it doesn't stop me wanting it.

Up Early

2010-01-10T08:07:00.002Z

Woke up at around 6.30am this morning. Bloody Aripiprazole! It's nice, during the week, to be up early as I get a lot done. I used to sleep for 12 hours at a time, now I only get about 6 hours' sleep in one go. However, on the weekends, it'd be nice to lay in, just till 9-10am. My husband could sleep for England, and probably won't get up until I wake him up. I wouldn't get any sleep at all if it weren't for the sleeping tablets. I'm terrified that I won't be prescribed any more when I go back to my pdoc on the 19th. If he doesn't prescribe me any sleeping pills, Aripiprazole and I may have to part ways. I've spent years battling insomnia and I don't want to get back into all that now - I haven't the energy for it.

I haven't yet heard anything from the ESA form that I sent off. It's going to take ages to get any money out of them (IF I do!) as I'm bound to have to have a medical before they pay out. I'm dreading it. Not only will I have to go out, the medical is notoriously difficult for mental health patients as the questions asked don't cater for us. There are various articles online about getting your point across, so I may have to re-read them before I go.

I've started another blog. I created this one to help me with bipolar, but I don't like adding in too much of my everyday life. Recently, this blog has become a bit too personal, so I'm going to revert back to my anonymous-type ramblings and keep everyday things for the other blog. Talk about two lives!

Finally, it looks like the forecast heavy snow has bypassed my region. Everything has started to thaw - even our blocked bathroom sink has thawed out now. I'm gutted - I love a good bit of snow. I guess there's still hope as it's only early.

Sleep

2010-01-07T15:02:00.003Z

Mood Rating: 7/10

Last night proved that I need the sleeping pills I've been prescribed. I was really tired, so I went to bed early and took a sleeping tablet just beforehand. I tossed and turned, and my mind raced, before the pill kicked in. Insomnia is a side effect of Aripirazole. I'm seeing my pdoc in 12 days' time, so I'm hoping that he'll prescribe me some more, otherwise I don't know what I'll do. As it is, the sleeping tablets wear off by around 6am, and the Aripiprazole wakes me up. I'm certainly in a healthy sleep routine now, even if it is aided.

I'm now taking 300mg of Venlafaxine and 30mg of Aripiprazole daily. I'm also on Metformin for PCOS, and of course there's the sleeping pills. I'd like to think that I'll one day be free from medication, but it's doubtful.

It's absolutely freezing cold here at the moment. Everywhere has run out of house coal, so we've had to resort to using some synthetic stuff, which just doesn't produce the heat of normal coal. I've also got the heating on, but I'm still cold. It snowed for about 24 hours yesterday, and now the snow's just compacted into thick ice - it's treacherous. The forecast is for more snow from tomorrow (Friday) until Sunday, which is a lot for us here in the south of the UK. Apparently, this is the coldest winter we've had in 30 years. My poor dog is shivering at the moment - best go and cover her up.

Employment Support Allowance Nightmare

2009-12-22T13:36:00.002Z

Mood Rating: 6/10

I just tried to fill out the new Employment Support Allowance booklet (yes, booklet!), but it's reduced me to tears. They want to know everything but your blood type. I've got to send in proof of address, proof of earnings, bank statements, savings statements (of which I have none), birth certificate, National Insurance card (of which I've lost), my husband's last few payslips, etc, etc. I can't believe that the government have made this so difficult! In the grand scheme of things, I have mild mental health problems, but even I can't complete this stupid form! It's a complete joke. On top of that, I'm bound to be asked to go for the medical, too. The thought of having to go out to a strange place is terrifying.

I guess there's a plus side: my GP decided (on her own) to sign me off until February 2010. At least I haven't got to worry about work for another few weeks.

I feel absolutely shite today now. I feel pathetic - I can't even fill in a form. To top it off, my mum doesn't think she'll make it round today. I could really do with the company right now, but I don't want to tell her that.

Waiting

2009-12-21T15:10:00.005Z

Mood Rating: 7/10

I'm still feeling a little low but, on the whole, I feel okay. I've dabbled in just the tiniest amount of work today - I guess it's a start. I'm still panicking about having to start back full-time in the New Year, but there's nothing I can do about it.

On a more positive note, a 'bipolar' gene may have been discovered: http://genomics.weblog.glam.ac.uk/2009/11/27/mental-illness-gene-discovered. I know that Cardiff University were working on this type of thing as I took part in their study (as did Stephen Fry). It involved a detailed history, a blood test and a questionnaire; nothing too taxing. Let's hope they're getting somewhere with all the results.

I'm currently waiting to take delivery of my new mobile phone. Ordered it early Saturday morning, but it's apparently on its way now. I've gone for a Palm Pre, as I like the iPhone, but I'm not to keen on the touch screen keyboard for texting, etc. The Palm Pre seems to be somewhere in the middle of a BlackBerry and an iPhone. It'll be nice to have access to Facebook and Twitter on my phone again instead of having to login via the laptop all the time.

Just a couple of cute pictures of my dog over the weekend. She had a haircut the other day and now shivers a lot. My husband put his hat on her to keep her ears warm, LoL.

She's a 6-year-old shih tzu called Oaki. She's my substitute baby :O)

Memory Loss

2009-12-15T20:53:00.002Z

I just came across this article that someone Tweeted: http://bit.ly/7qr91j

I know of a few people with depression and/or bipolar disorder who suffer with terrible memory problems. I am awful at remembering things. I can watch movies and completely forget what they're about a few days later. I've also - on at least two occasions - forgotten where I am when I'm driving a familiar route. I try not to panic, as I know that it'll only last a minute or so, but it's disconcerting all the same.

How I get through Christmas is beyond me.

Not Going Out

2009-12-15T20:13:00.002Z

Mood Rating: 6/10

I've been feeling a little on the low side today. I was due to take my dog to the groomer's today, but I found that I just couldn't. Fortunately, my mum stepped in and took her for me. My mum's an absolute star. She comes round everyday to keep me company for a few hours - I could never tire of her presence.

All I've managed to do today is pack my husband's Christmas stocking, put the dishwasher on and build the fire. I feel so lazy at times, but I just don't have the energy to do anything about it.

As always, work is playing on my mind. I'm ticking off the days until I'll have to start again, and I'm dreading every minute of it already. I'm still trying to get hold of my GP to get her to backdate my sick note, but it's proving a tough job.

I'm also disgusted with my niece. She got herself pregnant last year aged just 16. Everyone told her what a bad idea it was (for her) to have a baby at that age, as we knew she wouldn't cope. To cut a long story short, she split up with the father and is with someone new. Now the father is declaring undying love for her, but taunting her at the same time. He told her that he had a better life than her as he didn't have a baby to look after. She broke down, said she wasn't coping and that she was thinking of calling in the social. I can't believe that she could be so selfish! This is a litter person we're talking about, for God sake! Now the father's parents are talking about going for custody. It just disgusts me that people can be so callous. As you know, I long for a baby, but for some reason I can't have one. Why are people like my niece allowed to procreate? I'm baffled.

I don't think it's a case of PND. In fact, I know it's not. It's more to do with not being able to go out with her friends when she feels like it. She needs to stop and think how good she actually has it: Her father provids a roof over her head for free, and feeds her. She doesn't work, but lives off the state. She has babysitters on tap, and even takes her baby to stay at her new boyfriend's house a number of nights a week.

I don't know. I'm just astounded that some people can't love their children properly.

Happy Days

2009-12-11T17:38:00.002Z

Mood Rating: 8/10

I've had rather a lazy day today; been watching Twitter feeds on TweetDeck for most of it. It's nice to find so many people who are like me.

My mum didn't come round today (as she normally does) as she's not very well. Not sure if I've made it clear before now, but I have quit going out. I only go to my Pdoc, GP and anything else which I can't get out of, which isn't much. I've been like this since about August time. I could count my outings on my fingers since then. It's okay though, I quite like my own company and I enjoy being in my house. My Pdoc and GP are always on at me to get out more, but I just don't want to. I'm waiting for a time when I DO want to go out, then I'll know it's the right time to try.

Other than reading Tweets, I've put more Christmas decorations up, cleaned the kitchen, tidied, fed the animals and watched TV - it's been blissful! I relish days like these, as I'm truly happy. I guess if I were really down, I wouldn't want my own company. I had one day earlier this week when I was really down, but other than that, I've been okay-ish. I dare say that my mood has something to do with not working at the moment. When the pressure of money and work come into the equation, I tend to go down rapidly. I don't know what the answer is, but I'll keep you posted.

Not a Good Day

2009-12-07T13:09:00.002Z

Mood Rating: 6/10

Feeling a little down and sorry for myself today. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for 4.5 years. A few months ago, we found out that his brother's girlfriend was pregnant, which I found very hard to deal with. Today, they've just found out that they're having a girl - my dream is to have a girl, too. I am pleased for them, it's a really exciting time for anyone, but having it so close to home is really hard for me to deal with. Hubby's a little upset, but he's excited because this will be his first niece; I have 5 nieces and a great nephew.

I dunno, it's just hit me really hard today. I've only just pushed myself into having a wash and getting into clean clothes, and it's 1.15pm. I'm sure it'll pass, but by God it hurts.

I'm also counting down the days (in a bad way) until I HAVE to start work again. I know I can't cope with it right now, and I know nothing's going to change within 4 weeks. I wish I could be signed off indefinitely. I don't want to sponge off the state, but I really just can't cope with the stress; I'm a genuine case, but I feel like people will see me as a fake, a lay-about that doesn't want to work, which just isn't true. It's a tough battle, not only with society, but within my own mind. I want to be able to rely on myself, but I'm just not well enough to.

I'm finding loads of other bipolar sufferers on Twitter, which is kind of soothing. I spend a lot of time on my own, and I often feel very isolated, but reading other people's thoughts on the subject can be very helpful. Some of them make me feel strong and others really tear at the heartstrings. Of course, some are just plain annoying, and clearly from people who are jumping on the band wagon. I can't believe that anyone would WANT to be bipolar, but it seems to be becoming some kind of status... sad.

Wrapping

2009-12-05T17:39:00.003Z

Mood Rating: 8/10

I've spent the day alone today - usually not a good thing - but I've got quite a bit of Christmassy stuff done. I've wrapped all the presents I can, but I've run out of tags, grrr! Found a few extra decorations in an odd box and decorated the hallway. Going to get a real tree for the dining room next weekend, I think. I want it to look lovely for Christmas Day, as this will be the first time I've hosted Christmas; I'm so looking forward to it.

Hubby's been off airsofting all day in Reading. He's just text to say he'll be home about 7pm. I'm betting it'll be closer to 8pm.

I've no plans for this evening, except for watching X Factor. I want Stacey or Olly to win, although I think Joe might swipe it. Read an article from The Sun online today that reckons that Olly and Danyl have given up all hope of winning because Simon's picked a Disney song for the winner to release. They believe that such a song won't be suited to them, so Simon must obviously be routing for Stacey or Joe. Must feel 'great' when your own judge gives up on you.

As for my mood: it's pretty good today. I don't feel under pressure to work at weekends, so I don't get stressed out. I've had TweetDeck open this evening and I must've set up a search on 'bipolar' when I first downloaded it. I've been reading various Tweets about people being bipolar for a while. I can't believe how some people use it. One person said, "You don't fuck with a bipolar person and think you can get away with it..." wtf? Others use the term bipolar to discribe their general mood, ie. if they're feeling a little on edge or angry they'll say, "I'm feeling bipolar'. Just goes to show that there needs to be a bit more in the way of education about mental health.

Who Was I Kidding?

2009-12-02T13:35:00.005Z

Alas, the good mood didn't last that long. Around August time I started to see signs of a low period coming on. I spoke to my GP who arranged a meeting with my pdoc again. He put me on some new anti-psychotic drugs called Aripiprizole. The downside is that these tablets stop you sleeping well, so I'm on sleeping tablets for a few months, too.

On the upside, the pdoc noticed that I'm really struggling to lose weight. I have PCOS, and the Olanzipine made me put on even more weight, so I find it really hard to shift a pound or two. He suggested that I see my GP and ask about gastric banding. I put the GP visit off and off, but my husband came with me last week, and the GP is in favour of it and is going to write a letter to the powers that be. I've wanted this for so long now, but I new I couldn't pay for it myself. I didn't think that the GP would be interested in this idea in the slightest, but she didn't put up a fight at all. Let's just hope that the good old NHS feel the same.

As for my mood, I haven't worked for 3 months, but I tried starting again this week. I'm not doing very well...

Next day: Been signed off work for another month. My GP's also going to look into backdating a sick note so that I may claim for the months I haven't worked; that's a relief - we can't cope on my husband's wage alone.

On the plus side of things, the company I work for, 63336, have released a TV advert, which you can see here: http://url.ie/389k. Hopefully, this will boost the company even more. We've answered over 20 million questions already, and we're just going from strength to strength. This advert has caused a lot of controversy on YouTube. There are a lot of people who think that both the shortcode and the company logo are masonic or something to do with the Illuminati. It's just a simple text message question and answer service, but some people will read into things what they want.

Anyhoo, here's to another day. I feel like I'm slowly getting better, but it's such a long road; and very slow going.

Bright New Me

2009-04-24T14:23:00.002Z

It's been a long time since I last posted. I'm pleased to say that I'm definitely over the worst of it. I even managed to lower my dose of Olanzapine to 10mg a day instead of 20mg. Sadly, in January, I upped the dosage again to 15mg.

I've had no thoughts of self-harming of overdosing for months. I even managed the stress of moving home. Actually, moving home has helped a great deal. I was stuck in a flat before, now I have a lovely house and garden - I'm really looking forward to the summer.

Another thing that's changed is work. I'm managing to work constantly now instead of in fits and starts. It makes me feel so much better to be earning a wage, and I don't have time to dwell on things. I'm lucky enough to work at home, which helps of course. If anyone's interested, you can find vacancies at www.63336.com. My bosses have been great about my mental state; I wouldn't have been able to hold down a regular job.

Anyways, I've got to get back to working. I just thought I'd leave a cheery post for once. Hopefully, those of you who are feeling bad at the moment can take away with you the thought that you can get better. I never believed that I would, but here I am.

Set Back

2007-08-30T23:23:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 7/10

I took another overdose on Tuesday. My husband found the blister packs in the bin and took me to A&E. I don't remember much of the stay in hospital because I'd taken Olanzipine which has a sedative in it. Appartently I said a number of very odd things whilst I was 'out'.

I'm not really sure where this overdose came from; I've been feeling fine. I guess I've just got to look at it as a minor set back and move on. My poor husband - I can't believe he's still with me after all the crap I put him through.

Even Better

2007-07-30T23:47:00.002Z

Mood Rating: 7/10

Things have been pretty good over the last 2 weeks. I've still not been discharged from the CT, but I will be on August 1st. I've been avoiding their calls because I really don't want another meeting before the 1st - I just want to be left alone, to be honest.

My mood has stayed elevated over the past 10-days or so, but I've had a pretty low day today. Work is stressing me out: it's become fairly quite since the recent recruitment drive, so you can't earn very much unless you work during the small hours. Obviously, this worries me and gets me down. What I'd give to be able to hold a real job down.

I'm not really sure why I've been down today, but hopefully it's just a blip. I'm going to try to work again tomorrow, but if it's crap I'll try and give up without beating myself up about it.

One of my closest friends is pregnant and it's made me a little broody. I do want children, but my state of health worries me. The thought of having social services watching my every move puts me off and I don't even know for sure that they would watch me. Money is also another worry. When will be the right time?

2007-07-30T23:47:00.001Z

Some Improvement

2007-07-19T16:01:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 7/10

I've had 2 very good days in comparison to what my days have been like recently. I kept myself extremely busy yesterday - I barely stopped, but it was good to do normal, everyday things again; I've even started to cook dinner!

Today hasn't been so hectic, but I've kept my mood elevated with work and a few errands.

I though that the CT were coming today but the psychologist turned up instead. She's made a few plans for the next couple of days for me, to keep me occupied so that I don't dwell on things too much. It's a good thing, but I'm still not at the stage where I think this phase will last. I desperately need this promotion at work. It would mean so much to me and it would enable me to change my life completely - well, near enough. I just don't know when the next position will become available, and even then I don't know that I'd get it. Still, I'm beginning to look forward with some hope once again.

Just As Bad

2007-07-17T12:38:00.000Z

... see a theme developing with the titles?

Mood Rating: 6/10

Okay, so my mood appears slightly better, but I can't say that I'm feeling it very much. There are so many cliches running through my head: life's stretching out before me. I'm only happy when I'm sleeping, etc. etc.

I'm just about to have a nap to see if my mood will improve. The CT are coming round at 4.30pm. They're beginning to cut back their visits from every day to 3 times a week. I don't think that they've helped all that much this time. They just come round and chat for an hour. I know that I need to allow myself to feel better but I truly haven't the energy for it. I spend every day waiting to take my tablets so that I can go to sleep and get out of it all for a while. It's just no way to live. If a dog were this miserable it'd be put down. Again, I'm feeling resentful of the people around me forcing me to live.

Really Bad

2007-07-04T19:20:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 5/10

Things got really bad over the weekend and continued into the week. I spent most of the time crying, begging my husband to let me go (again). I can't tell you how tangible the feeling of wanting to die is. It's a little like your heart is breaking; there's a pain in your chest and, with me, my head aches with the thoughts.

Hubby called the Crisis Team Monday night because I was inconsolable. It may sound melodramatic, but the pain of wanting to die was so great, I felt like I might just expire on the spot. Hubby offered to get his friend around which, I reckon, was more for some support for himself, which is fine. I wasn't exactly great company, but we struggled through alone anyway.

The Crisis Team suggested that I take 5mg of Olanzipine immediately to help calm me down. I took the rest of my dosage later that night and slept well. On Tuesday morning my care coordinator, and someone from the Crisis Team, visited. They called my pdoc whilst they were here and he suggested upping the Olanzipine to 20mg per day. They've also made an appointment for me to see him on Friday.

The CT didn't visit today as my hubby's nan died the weekend before last and it was her funeral today. I desperately wanted to be strong for my husband, so I went along. I managed not to cry, though it was pretty heart-wrenching. I was completely washed out come afternoon, so we left at about 2pm.

That brings us up to this evening. I've not felt that great tonight, but we've washed the dog and we're going to watch a film. Diversion tactics are slowly working again. I had past the point of them working, but I'm slowly getting things under control (I think).

It's so hard to constantly be aware of your state of mind. It's tiring just thinking about it. I don't know what will happen if this increased dosage doesn't work. I can't do this with willpower alone - I haven't the strength.

Crisis Team

2007-06-30T22:50:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 5/10

I'm still pretty miserable. I got extremely drunk last night, which has probably served to make my depression even worse, but it felt good at the time.

I had a call from the Crisis Team today: they were going to visit, but we made arrangements for them to come tomorrow instead. I'm not keen on the idea, but my husband really wants me to see them again. I'm tired of having to ask people to help me; why can't I manage it alone? I feel pathetic and useless.

I'm still having suicidal thoughts, and they're very tempting. I know I always say the same thing, but I just don't want to carry on - it's such a struggle all of the time; is it really worth it?

So Close...

2007-06-23T19:26:00.000Z

The following was a draft post from a few days ago:

Mood Rating: 4/10

I came within spitting distance of another suicide attempt just now. My husband's gone out and left the keys to the medicine cabinet. I stood there with the cabinet open just looking at the tablets. I don't know why I didn't go ahead with it because I'm feeling really low. I've cried yet again this evening for no reason.

Life is just stretching out before me... another maybe 60 years of this awful, gut-wrenching nothingness.

Nothing much has changed since I wrote that. I'm maybe feeling just a tiny bit better, but I'd still like it all to end, one way or another. If I had those keys now... well...

It's a cliche but I feel like I'm stuck in an abyss and I can't find a way out.

My flat looks like a bomb has struck, but I just haven't the energy to do anything about it. It makes me feel bad living in a tip, and I feel guilty for not tidying up, but I just feel so shit all the time.

I just want to die.

Doctor's

2007-06-20T16:38:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 4/10

I took myself off to the doctor's today as I've been noticing that my mood has been pretty low over the past few weeks. It's fairly stable, but I'm definitely experiencing more low days once again. My GP has increased the dosage of Olanzipine to 15mg/day and she's going to have a discussion with my pdoc about it.

I've noticed my suicidal thought patterns increasing again. I'm not consciously thinking of suicide, but the thought often pops into my head. I'm having at least 2 days a week like this, and I'm hating it, obviously.

I still haven't come to terms with everything. I can't get my head around the fact that I'm going to be like this forever. Even if I have a really good period, these black moods will never be far away. To top it off, I often feel guilty about putting my husband through all of this. I've even contemplated leaving him so that he could find someone else. That sounds crazy, but it's so unfair to drag him down with me.

On the plus side, I received a Disability Living Allowance payment today. Apparently, most mental health patients are turned down as they fill the form in wrong, but I obviously got something right. I'm not sure what scale they're paying me, as I think that they've backdated this payment. Now we've got to apply for Carer's Allowance for hubby.

I don't know what to think now. I'm not sure that I trust Olanzipine to do the trick fully. I guess it's a day at a time again - waiting for another low ebb. I swear I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Social Phobia

2007-06-13T11:40:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 5/10

Yesterday Ann came to visit me to discuss how we're going to tackle my social phobia. She discovered just how self-conscious I am, and we spoke about the possibility of me getting promoted at work. This would entail a trip to London once a month, so we're going to work on travelling on public transport in case I get the job. I'm going to meet her in town next week for a coffee. We'll work up to supermarkets at a later date.

It's pretty sad, but I discovered that I actually don't really know what's acceptable in the big wide world anymore. For instance, I haven't a clue whether it's the done thing for people to grab a coffee on their own and read a book. This makes me panic because I don't want to look out of place. I've hidden myself away from the world for so long that I no longer know what's what.

I'm quite looking forward to tackling this as it will make me feel a bit more 'normal'. It'd be nice to be able to pop into town on my own to get a present, for instance, without having to wait for a time when someone else is free to accompany me.

Tomorrow I'm going to start Weight Watchers. I think I'll be going to that alone as my friend hasn't got back to me. I don't want to go alone, but I desperately want to lose weight - again, to help me feel more 'normal'.

My mood hasn't been that great this week. I don't think I've risen above a 5. If it carries on, I'll have to visit my GP again. I guess they could up my medication, but I don't really know for sure.

Hubby's out today so I think I'll go and catch some sun to cheer myself up.

Weepy

2007-06-11T20:30:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 5/10

Had another 'off' day today. Been a bit moody and generally low for most of the day. Hubby and I went to my mum's for the afternoon and I was okay then, but on coming home I felt a bit down. I ended up crying when hubby gave me a hug. I feel so pathetic. I also feel guilty for starting hubby's week off on the wrong foot. I can't tell you how much I wish to just be 'normal'.

God! This must be THE most boring blog on Earth.

I've got Ann visiting tomorrow to hopefully help me with the social phobia. I'm not sure what she'll devise for us to do, but I'll give it a whirl.

Other than that, neither of us have any plans for the week. Hubby reckons that he's going to tackle some DIY around the home, but that's got to be seen to be believed. To be honest, all I want to do is get drunk. I really need a good night out: something out of the ordinary to lift my spirit. Lifting my spirit would be a miracle in itself.

Low Ebb

2007-06-06T19:56:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 4/10

It's quite frightening to reach a 4 on the mood scale; it's been a while. I've been fine all day, but this evening I'm pretty miserable for no apparent reason. We went to take the dog down the beach, but the roads were blocked off so we came home again. I've done a little bit of work, which has lifted my mood very slightly, but I'm still feeling pretty crap.

This is what I hate. There's just no ridding myself of these black moods. They're a part of my life forever, which is daunting to say the least. I desperately want to be cured, but there's just no hope of that.

All I can do is take one day at a time. That's all well and good, but you just can't plan for the future. If we move house, will I be able to continue working in order to keep the roof over our heads? It's just horrid.

Pdoc and Social Phobia

2007-06-05T15:36:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 6/10

I met with my care coordinator and my pdoc this morning. Both of them are really pushing for me to join the Acre Day Hospital's group therapy sessions. I have tried to tell them that I won't be taking up the offer, but they really have tried to back me into a corner. My pdoc is of the opinion that I will not beat my social phobia unless I join a group. Groups aren't really the problem though, I just don't want to join in at this day hospital. Call me snobby, but the people there are not my cup of tea. It's very hard to explain, but if I don't like the people, I'm not likely to get on very well.

Anyway, the meeting went well, other than that. I'm still to continue with my meds and I'll still be seeing the care coordinator. Plus, I met with another care coordinator today called Ann. She deals with social phobias too. She tends to use graded exposure to help people overcome their problems, which is far more my cup of tea. I've already been pushing myself to go to new places and do things that I haven't done for years, so I think that, with Ann's help, I WILL manage to overcome this hurdle WITHOUT group therapy.

My husband is currently meeting with someone from the mental health team to have a carer's assessment. I'm not sure what it entails or what will come of it, but we both felt that he needed some support too. It's a 2-hour appointment, so he should come away with a good idea of things.

I'm still waiting to hear about the Disability Living Allowance. I can't believe it takes them this long. I so hope that I get it. Back payment would also help. I'm not managing to work very much at the moment, so any extra funding would be more than welcome.

My mood was pretty low earlier. I think it was mainly to do with lack of sleep, but I felt so rough that I took myself off to bed this afternoon. I've woken up in a better mood, but it's still nothing to shout about. I'm so tired of constantly thinking about my moods and when the next low mood will strike. I'd give anything to be 'normal'.

Back on Track

2007-06-03T22:28:00.000Z

I'm feeling much better again now. I think last week was a bit wobbly because I'd been ill AND I was dealing with my feelings about not getting the promotion at work. I should be viewing work more positively - they're bound to recruit another SR (Senior Researcher) within a few months as the company is getting bigger and better all the time. Here's a press release due out in the morning:

63336 breaks into the top ten most valuable mobile phone numbers

AQA 63336 acquires one millionth customer as it enters the top ten

London, UK – 4th June 2007 – IssueBits, the provider of the AQA (Any
Question Answered) 63336 text question and answer service, today
announces that according to leading UK network operators O2, Orange,
Three and Vodafone, 63336 is now one of the top ten most valuable
numbers in the UK, ranked by numbers of texts sent and also consumer
spend. IssueBits also announces that AQA acquired its millionth
customer on 3rd June 2007.

"It's taken three years of great answers, excellent customer service,
and carefully targeted marketing to grow to one million customers, a
significant milestone for any company. With peaks of over 18,000
questions per day AQA 63336 is now one of the most popular mobile
phone services in the UK," said Colly Myers, CEO. "Our next milestone
is to become the most valuable number in the UK. Focusing on improving
quality and increasing our marketing spend we aim to pass two million
customers within 15 months."

Since AQA's launch in April 2004 over 6.5 million questions have been
texted from UK and Irish phone users, ranging from `Why is the sky
blue?' to `How many Cornish pasties would fit in Buckingham Palace?'.
The answers are provided in minutes by a team of over 700 home based
researchers who are paid per answer.

AQA costs £1 to text 63336 in the UK, and €2 to text 57275 in Ireland.
For more information, and to try AQA out for free, customers should
visit www.63336.com.

I've just got to be patient, I guess.

I'm seeing my pdoc on Tuesday morning. I'm not expecting much as it's a kind of check up to see that I'm doing okay on the Olanzipine, which I am. We're (my care coordinator and I) are going to question my diagnosis too. Everyone from the mental health team that I've met is of the opinion that I'm not necessarily bipolar. My 'highs' may seem very out of character for me, but only because I suffer such crippling lows. I don't know what to think, to be honest. I think I am still bipolar, but maybe I'm at the bottom of the range. It's a funny sliding scale from personality disorders right through to the top whack of bipolar. I guess I'll find out on Tuesday.

Waiting

2007-05-30T09:25:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 5-6/10

I'm seeing my care coordinator tomorrow and the appointment's not coming soon enough. I cried for no reason the other night and I've been feeling a bit low for a few days now. Whether I'll have the medication increased, I don't know. I've noticed old thought processes coming back, i.e. someone mentioned dying on TV and I caught myself thinking lucky thing. It's not a conscious thought, they just pop into my head. It's been happening more and more often over the past week.

This is the kind of thing that I should tell my husband about so that he can make a more informed decision about what to do, but it's just too hard to say. I'm seeing my pdoc next week, so hopefully he'll be able to help. I'd love to get started on some therapy, but we can't afford private therapy and the chances of me getting it on the NHS are slim to none. I am visiting the Acre Day Hospital again tomorrow to meet with my key worker, and she's into CBT; maybe she'll have something more to offer. Thing is, the Acre tend to work in groups which I'm not very interested in. I think that hearing a load of other people talking about their problems will just bring me down even more. I need one-to-one treatment.

I'm finding it really difficult to work again, too. Not working just makes me feel worse because I know that I'm capable of it, but I just can't do it. Also, not working means that I'll be skint again next month. Had I got the promotion, I'd have had no reason not to work. Being self-employed gives me too much lea way. The promotion would have meant that I'd have been employed so I'd have had no excuse.

There's so many people out there that are worse off than me. I wish that meant more to me than it does. I can realise that there are people who suffer far more than I, but it doesn't make my pain any less harrowing. I'm really struggling to come to terms with this illness and all that it holds.

A Little Low

2007-05-28T11:22:00.000Z

Mood Rating 5-6/10

Just a little low today and I'm not sure why. I've got a cold which is really hanging on, so I think that could be getting to me. My husband's also come down with it, so he's still in bed. It's a Bank Holiday and I'd have liked to have done something today, but I don't think either of us are up to doing much.

I'm making myself sick by watching property programmes. I need out of this flat; it's really getting to me. I just want to be able to throw open some doors to a garden; be able to have a coffee in the garden each morning; go upstairs to bed.

I've also come to realise that I need just a touch of drama in my life. Most people are happy to plod along with everyday life, but I'm not. I need a project or an interest - something short-term - to keep me on my toes. At the moment there's nothing like that in my life. I don't know where to start with our flat in order to get it in a good salable state otherwise that would keep me going, maybe.

I just feel like everyone around me is moving on in life whilst we're stuck in a rut. I'm unsure of whether or not I want children. My reservations lie in my illness. I'd hate to pass this affliction on to my children, and even if I didn't, would I be able to cope? Also, I've only just started to go out and have fun for the first time in about 8 years. A child would definitely make a big impact there.

Life just has no direction right now. I wish I knew where to start to change that.

Deflated

2007-05-26T02:17:00.000Z

Mood Rating 5/10

It's 3.17am and I'm finally getting sleepy (Olanzipine helps). I went out at 5.30pm, had a pretty good night, but then came 'home time'. The feeling wasn't as bad as it has been in the past, but I'd definitely be happier if I didn't have to come back here after a night out.

To top off this hating home thing, I finally sat down and looked at our finances the other day. We won't be moving anytime soon. I think our best option is to sell up and rent for a while. We can bank the equity from the sale of the flat and earn interest for a while and take our time finding somewhere to buy. Hopefully, we'll get out at the right time and get somewhere later on down the line. There's still things to finish off in the flat, but if we worked at it, we could be out by Christmas - it's doubtful though. Motivating my husband is like trying to push a rhino uphill; he's just so laid back.

I filled out a questionnaire just now on having bipolar; it's for research. One of the questions was, "If you could flick a switch and rid yourself of everything to do with bipolar, would you?" I ticked 'Yes'. I wouldn't care if it changed me beyond recognition, I'd still do it. It's tiring and very stressful. I'm not convinced that my drugs will always work, so I never know whether there's a 'crash' just around the corner or not. I have the feeling that my pdoc will increase the dose when I visit him on 5 June.

I've gone back to smoking cannabis again. I'm doing it about 3/4 times a week. It's not even to help me sleep now, it's more just to help me get away from it all for a while. I've even bought some legal drugs, a kind of legal Ecstasy. I don't know whether the stuff works or not, but I need something. I don't want to be me, but what choice do I have? I can't change that so getting away from myself with the help of drugs is the next best thing. I hope they turn up soon.

Nothing to Report...

2007-05-21T16:09:00.000Z

Things have been pretty quiet since my last post. Hubby managed to sort out the problems with the bank and although he'd overspent, it wasn't half as bad as it sounded.

I had an urge to get out of the house today and I ended up mailing for my husband's boss. I'm coming down with a cold and a sore throat so I'm pretty wiped out, but my mood is still pretty stable.

I've yet to hear about the Disability Living Allowance, so I'm hoping that they'll backdate the payments if I get it. I sure could do with some extra cash right now. Having not worked a great deal last month, it's been really tight this month. The sales on eBay will see me through, but next month won't be that great either.

Sadly, as far as I'm aware, I haven't got the promotion. I think it was pretty close though from what I've been able to gather. Another position may come up in another few months, so until then I'll just have to keep slogging away at it. It's a shame, but at least it hasn't got me down; I did wonder.

Had a lovely night out on Friday. I went to a local pub for my brother's birthday at about 4.30pm. My husband came to meet me at about 8pm and at around 9pm we went for a meal. It was really nice to spend some time with just my husband on his own and out of the house. It's rare that we spend time out together.

Nothing much else to report. The care coordinator phoned whilst I was out today. I'm to call her if I need to otherwise I'll see her on 31 May. I doubt that I'll need to call her. I'm feeling pretty good aside from the cold.

One Thing After Another

2007-05-17T17:03:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 5/10

I can't believe it. I opened my husband's mail today only to find that he's overdrawn on an account that is meant to be defunct. He's also reclaimed some bank charges on that account and the bank credited him with £1,500. That's obviously not covered what he's overdrawn. He hasn't said a word to me about it, and the account has been in this state since September 2006. I've lost count of how many times he's done this. He managed to get himself into £13K worth of debt before now. I just can't believe he's doing it again.

All this just reminds me that we're going to be stuck in this flat forever more. If he can't manage his finances now when he only pays about £400 a month towards the home, there's no way he'd cope with a house. I feel like life is on pause all the time. There's just no progression anymore. Every time I think we're getting somewhere, I find out that he's in debt again. I'm so sick and tired of it. Is anything worth this shit?

Under the Weather

2007-05-16T11:43:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 5-6/10

Feeling a little off today. I'm really tired and I have no energy. I'm not feeling depressed as such, but I'm definitely below par.

Went to the Acre Day Hospital yesterday to be assessed for suitability. I was only there about 20 minutes to half an hour, but I'm not keen on returning. There was nothing wrong with place, and the people seemed okay, but I just don't think it's for me. I think that joining a group would make me dwell on things more than if I were left to my own devices. The guy I met with thinks that my care coordinator will urge me to join, but I'm going to be strong and refuse. Like most people, even though I suffer with mental illness, I've got this preconceived idea of what the people would be like. It was kind of backed up by the guy I met with when he said that I may be, "A little too advanced," for the groups, meaning that I'm quite self-sufficient, I'm holding down a job, etc. Being stuck with people who are not working and are very ill would just drag me down. I don't doubt that this kind of group therapy works for some people, but it's just not my thing.

Anyway, my case is being handed back to the care coordinator tomorrow morning. I think that I'll be pretty much left to deal with things alone after that as I've progressed very well in such a short period of time. This suits me just fine at the moment, and it's nice to know that there is help out there should things go horribly wrong again. I don't think that they will, though. I'm not considering suicide at all right now, in fact, I'm barely thinking of it at all. I'm taking every day as it comes, which is really great. I'm not stressing about work like I have done, and I'm not so bad about being at home all the time. I would like to get out more, but money is a bit tight right now.

I still haven't heard any more about the promotion at work, but as I've said, I'm not very hopeful. I do worry a little that if I got the job, the stress may affect me, but I think I'd cope. It would mean that my husband and I could move house. I think our current home holds a lot of bad history for me. Since we've been here I've had to leave formal work due to panic attacks, I found my husband chatting up women online, I had an operation, I found that hubby had run up £13K worth of debt, he got the push from his old job, etc, etc. There are very few happy memories. I think I need a real change of scenery.

2007-05-14T08:33:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 7/10

I'm still feeling extremely stable, and my confidence is slowly increasing, so much so that I took myself to the supermarket alone yesterday, something I haven't done in about 8 years. I did have a little panic in there, but nothing too stressful. It made me feel like a normal person for once. How sad and pathetic.

I still haven't heard anything more about my application for Disability Living Allowance. They were going to write to my GP, so I expect that will take some time. It'd be nice if I got it and it was backdated. Because I didn't work very much last month, I'm rather skint now. I'm selling a load of clothes on eBay, so that should help.

I'm not particularly looking forward to my visit to the Acre Day Hospital tomorrow. I doubt that they'll accept me anyway; here's hoping. On Thursday, the Crisis Team are coming to hand my case back to the care coordinator. That's quite a landmark, I guess.

I've started working again, but I'm not setting myself any targets, I'm just working when I feel like it so as to not put too much pressure on myself. I'm not at the standard I was, but I'm still earning. I haven't heard anything more about the promotion, but I'm not very hopeful anyway; there are people who are much better at it than I am.

Speaking of work, I should get on really :0)

Normality

2007-05-12T08:27:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 6-7/10

I think I've reached a plateau. I've remained stable for well over a week now, and I'm beginning to feel like a normal person again. I haven't cried or welled up since the meeting with the clinical psychologist, so I'm obviously doing well. It feels pretty good, although I've a niggling feeling that a crash is never too far away. I think that that's due to worry rather than there actually being a crash; I'm a bit dubious about saying how well I feel in case it tempts fate.

My husband's out for the day tomorrow, so I think I'll throw myself into work. I'm not really looking forward to it, to be honest, but it's something that I need to get used to.

The Crisis Team aren't visiting again this week. They're going to phone on Monday or Tuesday to arrange an appointment with myself and the Care Co-ordinator so that they can hand my case back to her. I'm out of the woods, so the Crisis Team will step back, but they'll be there should I need them again in the future. I supoose it's a bit of a landmark, and I certainly feel as though I don't really need them again at the moment.

I'm going to visit the Acre Day Hospital on Tuesday. It's name instills fear into me, but it's a place for people who suffer any type of mental illness to go and chill, basically. They run short courses on relaxation, anxiety, creative writing, etc. I've agreed to visit the place, but I'm not at all keen. You're assessed to see whether any of the courses they run would suit you. I've got the feeling that they may turn me away - I can hope.

Irritable

2007-05-08T17:57:00.000Z

I'm really irritable today and I have gained some side-effects from the Olanzipine, I think. I feel like I've been out on a boat all day, or like I'm walking on a springy floor. That's better that the irritability though.

On Friday night, I was going to stay at a friend's. It was late, I was tired and I had a headache. Hubby made me come home at 3.35am. Now he keeps bringing it up all the time. Also, I know that he's telling people stories but in such a way as it makes him look good. He's a past master at this, and it's really gotten to me today. I'm sick of it. He even does this to my mum.

I'll have to ask the pdoc whether all this is down to my meds.

I'm still feeling pretty good despite my mood and the side-effects. I reckon I'm about a 7/10 at the moment, but I've got another headache from stressing so much. I really feel like I need a break - from my marriage, from my home town, from everything really. I've been offered to go out to Spain anytime in the next 3 months, but I'm not sure I could manage the flight on my own. Thing is, if I don't go, something's got to give, and I suspect it'd be my relationship with my husband.

Remaining Stable

2007-05-07T11:18:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 7/10

Well, here we are on Bank Holiday Monday and I haven't taken a dive. Friday night was okay, although I felt pretty old in the nightclub. However, I've now done it, even if I did sit in a corner. I didn't stay long as I got a headache - most likely caused by the alcohol - so I left at about 1.30am. I was going to stay at a friend's house, but my husband demanded that I come home. He was pretty miffed because he said he was looking forward to me coming home. We sorted that argument quickly, though.

Saturday was a quiet day. We went to the supermarket together; I even managed to stroll off to look at stuff on my own. In the evening we watched a movie. On Sunday we went to a chocolate fountain party at a friend's as they've bought a catering fountain to do functions. It was gorgeous, and I tackled another phobia: eating in front of a large group of people. A large glass of wine probably helped there. 1 glass and I was pretty wrecked; must be the tablets. In the evening I was meant to meet a friend for a drink in town, but I didn't end up going because I got home and I was knackered. I just wanted to veg in front of the TV.

One of the Crisis Team is going to visit me today. I'm looking forward to telling them that I feel really stable at the moment. I think this may be the last week that they'll visit as I've done so well. I'm even managing work a bit more. I've already worked for an hour today, and it's been busy so the money's pretty good.

When I am finally left to my own devices, I need to remember that my health is more important than work. I can't keep pushing myself to earn mega bucks when it makes me ill. I need to focus on relaxing, too, because, quite often, I'll work until bedtime and then I find it hard to sleep, understandably.

Maybe all of this has been a blessing in disguise. I've learnt that my priorities are all wrong; that I need to relax more; that I have issues that still need addressing, etc. It's very easy to forget all of this normally, but as I react so badly, I need to focus on myself and my moods more. It sounds selfish, but if I don't take care of my mental health, it gets out of hand.

I'm going to do a little bit more work then have a tidy up before the Crisis Team visit.

Feeling Better

2007-05-04T08:43:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 8/10

The title says it all, really. I'm feeling much better - I've even negotiated with the Crisis Team so that they'll only phone on Sunday, so I won't be seeing them until next week. I wanted to see how I would handle the weekend on my own. But, whatever the weekend brings, I am feeling positive.

I'm off out with my brother's girlfriend this evening. I'm going to meet my husband from work for a drink, then the girlfriend will me us a bit later. We're on the guest list of a local nightclub, too - I haven't been clubbing for about 7 years. This is quite a big hurdle for me because of my social phobia, but I'm going to really force myself to enjoy it. The girlfriend knows a lot of people in there anyway, so if it does prove to be a bit much, I can probably leave.

Bree visited again yesterday. We went over everything we'd spoken about on Tuesday, and she's going to forward a copy of her write-up to my pdoc, GP, social worker and the Crisis Team. Obviously, there are things in there that I don't want my husband to see, but I doubt he'll get the opportunity to see it. I'm being sent a copy, so I might give that to a friend to look after.

I told Bree that I was astounded that I found I wasn't over the rape and also that I was surprised to see a pattern of betrayal in my past. I think it's because I trust people too readily; I always want to see the good in people, and it hits me really hard when they don't come through with the goods.

Bree is recommending that I be put on the list for therapy as I've reacted so well to this episode and I've tried hard to help myself. She feels that I'd get a lot out of therapy. However, when I saw my pdoc, he said that therapy is basically non-existent on the NHS. I'd probably hear from them in 18 months, if at all. Maybe when I've started working properly again I could pay for some therapy myself.

Another positive thing has happened: I'm being put forward for a promotion at work. I registered my interest in the position about a year ago, but this is the first time a position has become available. I'm not very confident that I'll get it, though. There are around 15 of us going for it, and I know for a fact that there are people who are far more literate than myself in the group. I may have to rely on the fact that I'm good at my job AND that I'm very helpful to others if they have a problem. If I got the position, it could mean travelling to London every month for a meeting, but then again, they may well begin having meetings via web cam, apparently. I really do want the job. At the moment, my wages are up and down with my moods, but by getting this job, I could relax a little more as it's salaried. It'd be fantastic.

Anyhoo, here's to a good weekend.

Clinical Psychologist

2007-05-02T08:43:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 7/10

The Clinical Psychologist, Bree, visited yesterday. I knew that I'd end up in tears, but I didn't think that I'd be as bad as I was. I maintained composure for a very long time, but talking about being bullied, my childhood, my manic phases during my teens, and then the rape, took its toll. I was sure that I had completely resolved the rape issue, but I obviously haven't; that was what got me.

It looks as if betrayal by friends and people close to me has been a recurring factor in my life. I was bullied by someone who had been my best friend; I was raped by someone who was a friend; my husband cheated on me before we were married. Maybe I'm too trusting. I do look for the good in people all the time, and I expect to be treated how I treat others, but that's not always the case, obviously.

I found the whole appointment quite traumatic. Bree said that she'd like to visit again, and she's also going to refer me for therapy. She'll be returning tomorrow to go over yesterday's issues.

I'm just so amazed that I reacted in this way and also that I found that I'm not over the rape. I truly thought that, although it has taken time, I had dealt with it and buried it sufficiently. It was glaringly obviously yesterday that I have done neither.

We touched on my social phobia, but I'm trying to do more to combat that myself. I don't know what's on offer to help me further that.

The Crisis Team are coming round at 6pm today. I've agreed that Bree can pass on the information that we discussed. Some people may want to keep some things private, but I was completely honest with her - how can you get help if you're not honest? I don't think that the Crisis Team will dwell on much of yesterday's appointment as they focus more on what I can do immediately to help myself.

Bree's visit has really thrown me. I'm amazed at how much emotional baggage I really have. I'm not a great believer in therapy, but on the other hand, I don't think that I can deal with all these factors in my life on my own. Once you address one of them, it pulls in another issue; it's hard to make sense of it all.

One thing we agreed on, though, is that my illness is a real thing. The depression and my actions are partly due to a chemical imbalance and partly down to what has happened in my life.

I'm a great believer in the saying, 'Things get worse before they can get better,' which I'm quite worried about. I know that dragging up the past will depress me no end, but I think it's high time that I faced the truth.

Stabilising

2007-05-01T09:07:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 8/10

Looks like the drugs may be working. I've doubled the dosage now to 10mg per day. I'm a little bit tired today, but not as much as when I first began taking Olanzipine. It sounds odd, but I feel as if my body's beginning to smile on the inside.

The Early Intervention Team visited yesterday, but they thought that I wasn't really a case for them. They deal with the more extreme cases of mental illness, such as those who hear voices and hallucinate. That's all fine by me, I'm happy dealing with the Crisis Team and my social worker for now. I feel as if both my husband and I have enough support for the time being.

There is a Clinical Psychologist visiting today at 3pm. She's coming to see if there's anything that she can add to the support. I think she may want to focus on my social phobia, which I'd love. It'd be great to be able to go out to the shops unaccompanied, or to walk into a pub to meet friends. I have got a little better with it recently, but I think I need a bit more of a kick up the bum and a greater challenge.

Having not worked that much throughout April, money will be a little tight for me during May, but the bills are all covered, so it's not a great worry. I have been spending money hand over fist recently. I've found that I spend more when I'm in a better mood, although I might spend when I'm down to cheer myself up. The postman has just delivered 3 boxes, but I've ordered so much recently I haven't a clue what they could be. I'm not in debt, and I never spend more than I have in the bank. As long as I keep it that way, I'll be fine.

Friday night will be the real test for these drugs. I'm off out for the night with my brother's girlfriend. I'll be drinking, and I'm sure we'll have a great time, but it's the coming home that brings me down. I'm confident, though, that I'll be able to manage it.

More Hopeful

2007-04-30T08:51:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 8/10

As you can see, my mood has improved although I'm a little tired this morning. I'm doubling the dosage of Olanzipine this evening, so I'll probably be extremely sleepy tomorrow. The Crisis Team said that the increase won't have such strong side-effects as when I began taking the drug, though.

I'm off for an ECG and blood tests this morning, both to check my heart after the overdose and to give a baseline reading for the Olanzipine. I've also got a new team visiting at 2pm: the Early Intervention Team. I'm not sure what they do, to be honest, but I'm taking all the help that's on offer at the moment as I never know when I might need support again in the future.

I'm feeling quite positive at the moment, but I'm not hedging my bets. I haven't been stable long enough to be confident as yet, but I'm feeling more in control. I've even booked a hair appointment for Wednesday and I'm going out on Friday night, too. I haven't really made many plans for the immediate future for a while - never knowing what may be around the corner. I guess it's another positive step.

Returning Home

2007-04-27T21:40:00.000Z

Ah, who was I kidding? This coming home thing is just idiotic. I can't make out whether I really dislike my home or home life, or whether I get pissed up and just want to carry on. I could have happily gone clubbing all night long tonight, but it wasn't to be - this time it wasn't my fault, or choice.

We had to walk back to the car from the pub in order to get home tonight, and my mood dipped to a 4. I thought that we might be in for a long night. However, I gripped tightly to my emotions, and I think I may be steadily rising. I feel better, but I could cry at any moment. What the hell is wrong with me? Obviously, I know exactly what's wrong with me, but it's still mind-boggling. I fucking hate it! I'm sick to death with worrying - about myself, my family, friends, everything.

Okay, so maybe my mood isn't improving. I don't think blogging's going to do it this evening. I've still got a form to fill in; kind of homework from the Crisis Team. Maybe focusing on that will help.

I know that there's something wrong in my marriage. I don't know what it is, but I... I just don't know. We haven't had sex for over 3 weeks now, since the week before I took the overdose. I'm pretty desperate for sex (another bipolar issue), but I just can't bring myself to sleep with him. I know that I'll end up crying if I do. That's such an awful thing to say. I'm seriously considering an affair. In fact, I don't think I've ever stopped considering it. I can't blame everything on being bipolar; I'm just not the monogamous sort, I don't think. Maybe it is the illness? Maybe I'm just on self-destruct? In fact, I know that I am. I truly feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

I've got so many issues and they're all linked in one way or another. I don't know where to start. They're all just as important as one another, but once you address one, you automatically bring in another. It's so complicated.

At the moment, I need a bottle or two of Asti and a good ear. I have telephone numbers for various charities that deal with mental illness, but it's just so impersonal. Basically, I'm fucked.

Long Week

2007-04-26T22:53:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 4/10

Ah, the inevitable nosedive... I kept poor hubby up into the wee hours crying and begging him to let me go. I told him that I'm beginning to resent family and friends for forcing me to live. I know that sounds very melodramatic, but I'm sure that anyone else who suffers with a mental illness would understand.

Hubby eventually resorted to giving me 2 Valium so that he could knock me out and hopefully make me sleep it off. Sadly, I felt just as bad in the morning. I managed to tell my brother's girlfriend, who promptly turned up on my doorstep. She let me have a good grizzle, and I began to pick up again within a couple of hours.

The day improved with the help of a few drinks in town, which again turned into many drinks in town. Of course, come home time I took a dive. I ended up staying at a friend's for the night, which helped keep me stable. The next day, hubby picked me up and took me for a sunbed. Whilst laying there, I resolved to keep busy for the day in order to keep my spirits up. It worked. I also got 3 week's worth of ironing done.

Monday the social worker came round to visit. She thought that I might benefit from a visit and assessment by the Crisis Team. I also went to see my GP who decided to begin the Olanzipine that day. It made me very tired on Tuesday, so I slept most of the day, but my mood certainly remained stable.

On Wednesday, the Crisis Team came to assess me. To my surprise, they agreed that I would benefit from their help. They are basically a team of nurses who help those that should be hospitalised stay in their own homes. At present, both myself and my pdoc don't think that hospitalisation would help me.

The Crisis Team stayed for about 2 hours assessing me, and we decided that I'd benefit from daily visits for 3 days. On the 3rd day (Saturday 28 April), I'll be re-assessed. From there they may visit daily, every other day, weekly, or not at all if I've improved dramatically. They're going to begin to address some of my issues, mainly suicide, self-harm, and my social phobia. If I progress, I'll be handed back to the social worker, but the Crisis Team will be there if need be.

One of the team visited me today and we spoke about using a mood scale, much like I've done on this blog since the beginning. So, instead of saying (which I've never managed to do), "I feel suicidal," which is a terrible thing to have to admit to family, I can say, "I'm a 3." A 3 seems to be my crisis point; I could go either way, but it's usually down. If I can admit to my husband that I'm a 3, he can hopefully intervene and help me through it.

Tonight I think I may have helped myself through a low point. After a long day working for my husband's boss, I found my mood dipping (obviously through having to return home) to a 4. However, since beginning to write this entry, I've improved to a 5 or 6. This is the kind of thing that I need to identify as something which helps me get through the bad times. I really need to learn to keep my moods under control rather than them controlling me. It sounds easy, but it's something which I've become complacent with. I don't know whether I'll manage it or not, but at the moment, I think that with the help of the Crisis Team and various other bodies, I could get there.

Aside from blogging this evening, I've bought a book called 'Mind Over Mood: Cognitive Treatment Therapy Manual for Clients' which my pdoc mentioned as being extremely good. It contains worksheets and patient examples, etc. I'm really not into 'self-help' books, but it has received a pretty good write-up and, at the moment, I'm willing to try almost anything.

I'm working for my husband's boss again tomorrow, so it'll be another long day. I think that I'll have a nice drink when I get home to help me relax. I'm not too sure how well alcohol and Olanzipine mix, but I'll go slow. As usual, it's recommended that you don't drink whilst taking this medication, but I'm usually okay. Let's just hope that I don't get the whole 'coming home' thing again.

Mood Rating: 6/10

Low Again

2007-04-20T20:38:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 3/10

What a week. Saw the psychiatrist (pdoc) on Tuesday as planned. It went okay, I guess. I'm going to be started on an anti-psychotic/mood stabiliser caller Olanzipan as soon as I've had [another] ECG and bloods. This one has some great side effects too, mainly weight gain (sigh). However, the anti-depressants that I'm on cause that anyway, and he wants me off of them, so hopefully we may be able to balance it out.

I've also been assigned a CPN called Lorna. She phoned on Thursday and she's coming to see me on Monday. I know I'm gonna be a total wreck.

Went out with a friend for a drink last night - turned into many :0) But it was good. Once I was drunk, I could talk without crying. Got a lot off of my chest, as he's the only one who knows the whole truth about most things. Funnily enough, I think I may have discovered a reason for my social phobia.

However, having a good night out if one thing, and I was pretty high today: made hubby and I a lovely lunch, tidied up, did the kitchen, but now I've taken the inevitable nosedive again. Hubby took me down the beach for a walk for an hour or so, but it's the whole coming home thing - it's just so depressing. I really hate it. I'd prefer to wander in the freezing cold all night long than to come home when I feel down. I just want out.

Now I've got the weekend to look forward to. Starting the weekend off feeling like this is never good; I'm dreading it now. Hubby's off out tomorrow, so I guess I'll clean or just mosey around the Net a lot.

I was really positive just after the appointment with the pdoc, but now I'm back to normal. I just want to cease to exist. Fucking life!

Anticipation

2007-04-16T16:36:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 7/10

I've had a good couple of days, mood-wise. My husband was out all of yesterday, but I spent most of the day with my mum. Today has been much the same, and I've even walked the dog. I'm still having to dress my wrist, and it's seeping a little, but I think it's healing pretty well.

I'm kind of nervous about tomorrow as I have the appointment with the psychiatrist. I honestly don't know what to expect this time as I've never seen the consultant before. Apparently, he's very thorough, so maybe there is still some hope left.

I'm by no means out of the woods yet. I think about suicide on a daily basis; not always about committing suicide, but often about different methods, etc. If someone mentions something in the future, I wonder whether I'll be here by that time.

I'm very worried that whatever treatment is suggested tomorrow will have nasty side effects again - like the lithium. I guess I can refuse certain medications, but I definitely need something that will take effect fairly quickly. I also worry that 'they' won't find the right medication for me... what then? I most certainly cannot continue as I have been. I know that there are people living with terrible diseases, etc., but I'm just not cut out for this at all. I don't want to feel this way, but I do.

My poor mother said to me the other day, "I know everything's okay when I go to sleep and your're alive and I wake up and you're still alive." That cut deeply. I do have some great people around me; everyone is so willing to help - I just wish they could help.

Anyway, here's to tomorrow.

Supposed Recovery

2007-04-13T11:38:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 4/10

Well, Monday turned out to be a very bad day. My husband went to have lunch with his parents and I decided enough was enough. I searched the house high and low for the key to the medicine box, but I couldn't find it. So, I decided to take the pills that I had available, which was only 2100mg Venlafaxine and about 70mg Valium. I downed them in 2 lots, crying my eyes out, then I progressed to a new scalpel. I managed to cut about half a blade's depth, which is obviously nowhere near enough for an artery. I typed a note to my husband, and emailed a friend to say goodbye. I guess I knew what I'd done wouldn't be enough, but I just hoped with all of my heart that it would be. I certainly didn't want to wake up.

2 hours later, my husband returned home and slapped me awake. He immediately called my mum, my brother and an ambulance. Everyone seemed to arrive within a couple of minutes, so I must have been drifting in and out of consciousness.

To cut a long story short, I was admitted to A&E, then to the EAU (Emergency Assessment Unit) for observation over night. I had a number of ECGs and other tests, as there was a risk of hypertension, tachycardia and coma.

I saw some doctors and a great psychiatric nurse who gave me the usual Samaritans leaflets, etc. But he did give me a little more hope about seeing the psychiatrist on the 17th.

Since being discharged on Tuesday, I've been okay. I started to go down last night, and today I'm pretty tearful. I'm going to try and do some housework to keep me busy, and I need to drop my discharge notice off to my GP, especially as I received a letter today saying that a decision about claiming Disability Living Allowance cannot be made as yet; they need to write to my GP.

So, here I am. Alive still, and I'm currently thinking that that is pretty unfortunate.

Miserable

2007-04-09T00:05:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 2/10

I've had a really good few days, but tonight my mood has taken a real nosedive. I wish I could pinpoint a trigger. I'm just so miserable. I gave myself a small cut with a razor this evening, but it didn't do much. I don't want to get stoned, drunk, high or anything. I just don't want to be anymore.

I can't believe that I can be this unhappy with everything. There are a few things and a few people that make me happy, but without them I'm so miserable. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I can't take much more. I just want out.

I haven't really worked in the last week, which shows how shit I am at the moment. This doesn't bode well for a promotion. I've looked at things to buy to cheer myself up, but I don't trust myself not to go mad with the spending.

I just want to walk, but I find it so hard to go out alone. I don't want my husband knowing how bad I'm feeling, so I don't want him to come with me, but there's no one else.

When I'm like this I feel so many emotions; all negative of course. I feel totally heartbroken, miserable, sad, melancholy, suicidal. However, at the same time, I feel nothing. How can that be?

I think of what everyone else I know is doing at this point in time, and I know that whatever it is, it's better than what I'm up to.

Not sure if I mentioned it in my last post, but I wanted to have myself committed the other night. Thing is, I know I'd check myself out after a day or 2. It'd also put a lot of stress on my family. I so need help, but I just don't know where to find it, or in what form. By God, this psychiatrist (or whatever he is) best have some ideas on the 17th - if I make it to the 17th.

I'm going to try to lay off the drugs this week, even the Valium. I'll keep taking my anti-depressants, but only because I feel so rough if I don't take them.

Why can't I be normal, and why is this thing running my life with such utter control?

Can't Take Much More

2007-03-30T00:29:00.000Z

I can't sleep yet again. I have no Valium and I'm trying not to smoke so much cannabis. So, here I am again. I've been to bed and tried to read, but I can't follow the story; I can barely read a sentence without my mind racing off.

I took my dog down the beach alone this evening, which is something I never do. I parked the car, walked about half a mile, then sat on the beach and cried. Somehow I managed to pull myself together and carried on walking. I probably walked about 2 miles in total. I was frozen to the bone, but I just couldn't face coming home. If there was anyone I could've stayed with tonight, I would have. Don't get me wrong, it's not my husband or my home life, I just didn't want to be here, or anywhere familiar.

I'm withdrawing into myself more and more. My poor husband is at his wits end, but I just cannot physically open my mouth and tell him what's going on, probably because I don't even understand it myself. But I used to say, "Oh, I'm feeling down," or whatever, but I can't even bring myself to say that anymore.

I don't know where to turn. I have no medical contact who I can call on, and what the hell would I say? What can they honestly do for me immediately? I'm not sure I can last through another course of treatment that may or may not work.

I'm tired, my head hurts, I feel sick, I can't eat, I keep crying all the time. I just don't want to live like this. And worse, even if the doctors get me on an even keel, who's to say I won't have episodes like this in the future? What kind of future is that to look forward to? It's certainly not fair on my family; they're worried sick right now.

I'm in a bad way. I shouldn't have even driven this evening. I wasn't concentrating properly and I wasn't even sure of where I was half the time, and I know this town like the back of my hand.

I feel like I've got absolutely nowhere and no one to turn to. I can't explain all of this to my family or friends, and I don't even want to. I don't want to burden them any more than I already have.

Feeling Squiffy

2007-03-29T16:51:00.000Z

I'm not sure if I'm on a downward spiral or not, but I've been tired all day and I haven't been able to get much work done, which is not a lot different from most of this week. My train of thought has been all over the place today. In this kind of mood, I can make odd plans. It's really hard to explain, but I dream up things that probably wouldn't occur to a 'normal' person.

I ended up back in bed this afternoon and I've just woken up. I don't feel much better. I need to work this evening, so I can only hope that I'll feel better soon.

My kitchen needs cleaning, and I should really be thinking about getting some dinner on, but I just can't manage it today. I'm physically capable, I guess, but I'm not mentally. My husband came home for lunch today and I made toasted cheese sandwiches, but I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I was more on autopilot than anything else. It's times like this when I might burn myself or worse.

Where have all these symptoms come from? Since being diagnosed in August 2006, I've just got worse and worse. I can't wait for my appointment with the mental health centre next month. I really should go to the doctor before then, but the GP I built up a rapport with has left, and I just can't face getting to know someone else.

I must sound so pathetic. In fact, I am pathetic. I hate being this way.

The Positive Things

2007-03-27T15:55:00.000Z

What a dreary old blog. I'm rarely thankful for what I have, which is a lot more than a lot of people. My husband is just wonderful. He cares for me in many ways and loves me more than anything else on this Earth. I have a wonderful family, including 3 brothers, my mum and dad, and my granddad, not to mention 5 gorgeous nieces. I live in a nice flat in a great area. I have my pets for company throughout the day and I also see my mum on a daily basis. I have a job that I love (most of the time) and I'm pretty good at it. I have 2 great close friends and a number of other friends, too. I guess this all goes to show that it definitely is a chemical imbalance; how could anyone be unhappy living a life like this?

One of my friends dragged me swimming yesterday, which turned out to be pretty good. However, I did manage to fall in rather than step in, and I could really do with a trip to A&E.

I'm not feeling very well today, but my mental health feels fairly stable. I should make the most of days like these, but I'm rather worn out today. I could do with some pampering - a nice day at a spa or something similar. Sounds very posh, but it'd help to relax and forget things for a while.

I'm not particularly looking forward to this weekend. My husband's working on Saturday, then he's off to a 'do' that I've decided not to attend. On Sunday he'll be out airsofting (BB guns), so I'm going to be pretty much alone until Easter weekend. Sometimes I'm better off on my own, but I fear that this may prove a little too much. Maybe something else will come up. We might go out on Friday night or something.

Anyway, I thought I'd write a slightly more positive entry for once, whilst I had some spare time.

4 Months On

2007-03-26T00:23:00.000Z

I have no idea where the time goes and, to be honest, I can't remember most of it. I've just read through my blog to see what has changed over the months since being diagnosed, but sadly, little has changed.

I did decide to make a conscious effort to get out more, which I enjoy. However, going out often brings on a manic episode, which may last for the evening or for a few days, but it's always followed by a low - I'm coming down this evening, in fact.

Over Christmas 2006, my GP and I decided that lithium was just not doing the trick for me. I slowly came down and took my last dose on Christmas Eve. I'm definitely more comfortable being off of the lithium; no shakes, etc. However, I'm still in a mess and it doesn't appear to be improving.

I haven't attempted suicide again, but I have cut myself a couple of times when I've been inconsolable. I sometimes have terrible crying fits where I honestly feel heartbroken, like someone has died or something. I found that hurting myself stops the tears and kind of levels me out. So far I've managed to explain away the scars, but I don't really care. I'm covered in scars anyway, and no one would understand if I told them the truth. Having said this, I haven't cut myself for about 2 months now. I did have a crying episode about 2 weeks ago. I ended up in the toilet, barely able to breathe. I thought my heart had finally broken and I began retching into the toilet. It felt as though I may be able to purge my body of something. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. I pulled myself together, but I just couldn't bring myself to talk to my husband or anyone. I guess this is why I've picked up the blog again. I need some sort of outlet, but the thought of talking to anyone just doesn't feel as though it'd help. There's one person that I'd love to spill my guts to, but I feel that it'd be unfair to burden them with all the shit that goes through my head.

I've also started to self-medicate. I started with cannabis, just every now and again to help me sleep, but in the last 6 weeks I've added sleeping pills. I can't sleep more than 4 hours at a time, which leaves me feeling terrible. The sleeping tablets alone help me to go off to sleep, but I found that I still woke up after 4 hours. Now I couple Valium (bought rather than prescribed) with a large bong before bed. It gets me right through the night. This evening I've opted to try the Valium alone, but it doesn't seem to be working. I'm a little tired, but I'm also very depressed tonight. It came on around 10pm. I've been pretty happy all week otherwise.

A letter arrived on Friday to say that I'd missed an appointment with the NHS psychiatrist. I saw them last in October 2006, and they said they'd want to see me in 4 month's time, but I had heard nothing since then, until this letter. I telephoned them to say that I had not received the initial appointment, but I will happily keep the one they have rescheduled for 17 April. Again, I think it'll be a waste of time. I haven't even been allocated someone to contact should I enter a bad cycle. However, I will be seeing the actual consultant this time, rather than some trainee. I really need to prepare myself to confess about the self-medication, but I don't want to take the flack that I'm likely to get. I'm trying hard to be responsible about my added meds, but it's nice to be able to sleep through the night and work properly again.

As I mentioned, I'm off of the lithium, but my dosage of Venlafaxine has been increased to 300mg/day. I've been on a higher dose before now, so I'd imagine that it'll be raised again.

To be honest, I think I need some time away to be treated. The only thing that stops me telling anyone is that I'd have to leave my dog, which I just couldn't do. She's very dependent on me, and I believe that I am on her, too. Another thing that worries me is that I'd be completely fine in a different and controlled environment, and that I wouldn't be believed. That would also shed light on my current lifestyle, which I'd be loathed to change very much. I don't know what the answer is.

My father, who subsidises my income, has been made bankrupt this week. Again, I am worried for my family and what this means to them, but I can help but fear for myself. There's no way I can go out and get a 'normal' job, and I'm finding my own job very difficult in terms of earning potential. There's no way that my husband can earn any more in his job, although he has asked, but we certainly couldn't survive on his wage alone. In fact, I pay for pretty much everything as dear hubby ran up debts which he's paying back (slowly). Needless to say, this has added to the stress and depression. I don't know which way is up right now.

In this kind of state, I just cannot see further than the end of my nose. If this is the way my life is going to be forever more, I don't think I want it, but I don't know how to get out of it either. I have obviously contemplated suicide on numerous occasions, but my husband now locks away all of our tablets, which would be my method of choice. I'm not sure that I can settle for a way of coping, which is basically all doctors can offer. I don't want to cope, I want to be normal. I want to be able to have a normal job where I can earn a decent wage. I want to be happy in my marriage, which I kind of am, although it's lacking something. I want to be able to go out unaccompanied. I want to go clubbing, like normal 20-somethings do. It's all so out of reach, though.

I'm going to keep an abridged diary to give to the psychiatrist next month. Maybe, if he can see exactly when and where my moods dip, he may be able to shed some light on a way forward. I hate placing any hope on our mental health system, but I don't really have any other choice.

Insomnia

2006-11-21T01:21:00.000Z

Awake again. I've tried going to bed: I made a hot water bottle and read, but my mind is just racing. I have nothing specific to ponder, but I don't think that my brain knows that. It seems to belive that it has a limited time to think every possible thought on Earth, and that time usually kicks in at bedtime.

Don't get me wrong, I am very tired, I just can't get to sleep. My eyes ache, my arms are heavy and I can even get to that dozing phase, but then my thoughts tumble in to wake me up.

I know that my husband and my family are very worried, but there's nothing I can do to stop them worrying. Even if I go back to the doctor and follow their instructions, they'd all still worry. They've all got problems of their own to deal with, and I do know about them, but I just cannot muster the energy to worry about them. I kind of feel for them, and I honestly care with all of my heart, but I just cannot deal with worrying about their individual problems. It's the selfishness issue once again.

Christmas IS playing on my mind. It's not so much the money worries, but more the hassle of it all and the holiday itself. As you know, I'm terrible with dealing with weekends, and Christmas and New Year are like one big, long weekend. I'm just dreading it. I'd plan something to get me through it, but I just don't know what would help. Most of our friends will be busy, so that just leaves family. I'm not keen on my in-laws, and my family, although close, is a little disjointed where us children have grown up and flown the nest. That leaves me and my husband alone in our flat like every other evening and weekend. I can feel my chest tightening now.

I need help. I was unsuccessful in finding a psychiatrist/therapist, and I'm not so sure that they could help. I'm not convinced that I could open up enough to a total stranger. My close friends obviously have their own problems, and by now they're likely sick of mine. My family don't need to know some of the things that go through my head, which just leaves my poor husband. If we manage to come out the other side of this thing still married, well, we could get through anything.

Hubby has cheated on me in the past, at times when I needed him the most. I'm sure that this illness will once again drive him off to look elsewhere. Thing is, if I say this to my friends, they think that I'm being paranoid, that it's part of my illness. I just feel so very alone and as though I'm fighting a losing battle.

Suicidal Tendencies

2006-11-19T02:11:00.000Z

I'd like to start this post off with a quote from the 2000 film '28 Days':

"No one adult human being is happy! People are born, they have a limited amount of time going around thinking life is dandy but then, inevitably, tragedy strikes and they realise life equals loss! The whole point of the game is to minimise the pain caused by that equation! Now some people do it by having kids, or making money, or taking up coin collecting, and others do it by getting wasted."

I'm in agreement with pretty much all of that. I don't spend my time getting wasted, but it sure is appealing. In short, I've had an awful weekend. It looked promising on Friday night: I went out with my husband and a couple of other people, got drunk and had fun. By 2am I was sitting here on my sofa with every blister pack, bottle and box of tablets that we had in the house. I had a drink ready, and I was quietly removing all the pills in preparation when my husband found me. He took all the pills away, leaving me in floods of tears, before tryng to lump me with a guilt trip about how he needs to tell someone so that some of the burden is lifted. To be quite frank, I'm past caring. If I cared, I wouldn't have attempted suicide again, now would I?

It is a very selfish thing, but that's what this darn illness is all about. It should be called 'Me' or 'I'. I'm just so tired of it. I'm tired of blundering my way through each day, looking forward to bedtime in the hope that I can sleep and forget everything for a few hours, all just to get up and do it again. If you can't see the point of life itself, is it worth living?

I was meant to go for a blood test - just to check my lithium levels which, at the moment, need checking weekly - about 10 days ago. I can't be bothered. In fact, I'd like to just come off of all of my meds. They're not working, so I don't see a reason to stay on them. Sadly, I can't just stop taking them. Both medications have awful withdrawal symptoms, which I hate. If I say this to my GP, she'll talk me into giving it more time. Hmmm... more time for me to kill myself perhaps? More time for them to scratch their heads? More time for them to hope that I bugger off?

If you've ever had your heart broken, for whatever reason, imagine living your daily life with that feeling in your chest - you know the one? That's how I feel all of the time. Yes, there are moments when I feel pretty normal, but I think around 80-90% of my life I feel as though my heart has just died or cracked. What the hell can make you feel that way?

I've really not managed to come to terms with knowing that I'll have this godforsaken illness for the rest of my life, and I'm not sure how to tackle that. I need a guarantee, something to work towards. I'm no good without goals, I need to have an aim. I'm never going to get that and it's just a terrible, gut-wrenching feeling; I feel physically sick.

Well, I might as well end this post on a cheerful note, much like the beginning. Here's there lyrics from a song used in the afore mentioned film, '28 Days':

I'd rather be dreaming than living
Living's just too hard to do
It's chances not choices
Noises not voices
A day's just a thing to get through
Living's just too hard to do

I'd rather be dreaming than talking
There's nothing to hear or to say
With ears covered mouth closed
The world is opposed
Nothing gets in or away
There's nothing to hear or to say

I'd rather be dreaming than thinking
Thoughts are small comfort to me
Dreams might be pretend
But at least dreams end
And I just can't stop thinking you see
Thoughts are small comfort to me

I'd rather be dreaming than sleeping
Just sleeping you're just as well dead
In dreams I can fly
In dreams I don't die
That's why I lie here in this bed
Just sleeping you're just as well dead
I'd rather be dreaming

('Dreaming' by Loudon Wainwright III)

Happy Halloween!

2006-10-31T07:06:00.000Z

Happy Halloween!

This is my first creation of the year. This pumpkin took about 2 hours, but it kept me occupied. I really enjoy Halloween; I'm not sure why. I tend to prefer the dark evenings and cooler weather, though. I've also always been a fan of horror movies, since I was about 4 years old.

I believe that I passed a real milestone yesterday: I was raped by a 'friend' when I was 14, and it took me 10 years to see any light at the end of the tunnel. However, yesterday (13 years on) I happened across a link to his website, as he's now a singer/songwriter. I actually manged to look at the site and laugh - he'll never be well known! I had absolutely no adverse feelings whilst I looked at the site. I just never believed that I'd reach this point. It'd be a different matter if I saw him in the flesh, but for now I'm overjoyed that I've come this far.

Sadly, all is not well, though. I'm still very dizzy and everything seems surreal all of the time. I'm also not sleeping properly. I am sleeping - which is something - but I wake up often and getting off to sleep takes hours. I've had about 3 hours' sleep, so I'm likely to be a bit zombie-like today. I'm due to see my GP on Friday to check my lithium levels since I was increased to 800mg/day on Friday last week. I do feel a bit better for it, so maybe we've found that happy medium at last.

I read a post on the MDF forum a couple of days ago from someone who was kind of complaining about other members who let bipolar rule their lives. Now, I don't know what it's like when you've had this illness for a number of years and you've known about it, but from the point of view of someone who is very new to all of this, it DOES rule your life. Depression alone can be all consuming, but combined with a cocktail of horrendous drugs you have a constant reminder of the illness.

Obviously, I'm still bitter about having bipolar, but I've recently made a new online friend who has cancer. In an e-mail I said, "Why us, ay?" to which her reply was something along the lines of, "But why not?". It certainly made me think. I would never wish ill on people, but if there are those who are more deserving, I just don't believe that I'm one of them. In fact, I know a lot of people who have died, and all of them were wonderful, kind, considerate, friendly people with families. Does Karma exist?

I'm actually not a believer in any religion/faith. My mother was raised as a Catholic and my father Church of England. Us children were left to our own devices and none of us are believers. I have far too much of a scientific brain to believe in a deity. I'm far more comfortable with the Big Bang theory. That said, I'm certainly not anti-religion. If a faith gives some people hope and aids their moral fibre, then so be it. In fact, I am sometimes a little envious of believers. I'd like to have something which gives me hope during the most bleak times, but try as I might, I cannot let myself go enough to absorb the subject matter without question.

So, on to another day...

New Facets

2006-10-25T23:13:00.000Z

Well, I knew that I had only just begun learning about this illness and all that it has to offer, but I hadn't banked on a lot of it.

As my last post mentioned, my dosage of Venlafaxine had been lowered by 75mg. This turned out to be too much for my brain to cope with and I ended up delusional (expecting Sky to broadcast a particular programme just because I like it so much), paranoid (thinking that I was saying or doing the wrong things and that everyone was looking at me), I suffered minor hallucinations and disturbances in sight and smell. I also felt - and still do - very dizzy and surreal, as though at any moment someone could wake me up and tell me that it's all been a dream.

After suffering for one weekend, I went back to the doctor's and was promptly told to go back to the original dose of Venlafaxine. Within 2 days, most of the symptoms had gone, but 10-days on, I am still dizzy and everything is still surreal.

I went back to see my usual doctor today, and received some bad news. Although she feels that the reduced dosage of Venlafaxine was responsible for most of the symptoms I presented, the delusions are more likely to be part of bipolar. She feels that the reduced dosage unmasked some of the more disturbing characteristics associated with bipolar. This is what I had feared.

In light of this discovery, she has taken my blood to check the lithium levels before increasing the dosage again. She's pretty convinced that, although I am in what is known as the theraputic range, the levels aren't quite high enough to control the symptoms.

One thing that this episode has shown me is that I am not coming to terms with being diagnosed. I also believe that what I perceive as 'triggers' need to be dealt with by a professional. I have e-mailed a female counsellor who is local to me, and I intend to give it a shot. I could quite easily ask my GP to refer me, but this way I get to choose who I divulge my deepest, darkest secrets to. I wanted to find a fairly young female as, although I'm sure counsellors hear some shocking things, I don't think an older person would relate so well to what I'm going through and what I've been through. I shall give one session a go to see whether I feel this woman will suit me and my issues, but I'll continue the search if she doesn't.

In the past, I have always maintained that I have plenty of people to talk to, but now I fear that I could bore them and, to be honest, there are things which I need to get off of my chest that I just cannot discuss with anyone I know. I can be obsessive and demanding, and I want to change these traits. I need to learn a new way of thinking about my life and I hope that counselling/therapy can do that for me. Until now, I hadn't truly acknowledged the amount of emotional baggage that I carry with me each day. I only hope that I can afford enough treatment to help myself. Having not worked properly for 3-months now, money is becoming tight. My parents and in-laws have offered to help, so that should ease the burden. I just cannot carry on in this vein. The past 2-weeks have honestly frightened me and the prospect of spending my life in fear of the afore mentioned symptoms scares the hell out of me. If only people understood what a terrible affliction this is.

In the Stephen Fry documentary, many sufferers said that they'd not change their illness for the world. I'm sure that these people must be the types to experience more manic episodes than depressive. Vice versa - as I suffer - it's a different story. I hate it. I hate taking the medications, I hate the stigma which is attached to mental illness, and I'm utterly petrified of my, as yet, undiscovered characteristics. I'm not one to worry about illness. I fear pain, but I don't fear diseases, etc. However, I can honestly say that recently I have been petrified of the unknown.

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger," I'm not convinced.

Contraception Issues

2006-10-09T06:17:00.000Z

As expected, it was a waste of time.

I did, however, receive a full diagnosis of Bipolar Type II. I think that was about all I got out of it.

She's going to write back to my GP to advise her to slowly lower the dose of Venlafaxine (an antidepressant), and I'll need to return in about 4 months' time.

One thing that really got my goat was the contraceptive issue. For those of you that don't know, you cannot conceive whilst taking lithium as it would seriously damage the child. I fully take this onboard, and I understand how serious an issue it is, but I do not like being forced to take a contrceptive that I destest. For 14 years I have managed not to get pregnant, so I'm sure that I am still capable of maintaining this run, but the psychiatrist really tried her hardest to force me to take The Pill or another form of contraceptive.

My concerns with this stem from having had the contraceptive injection for about 4 years. It seriously interfered with my reproductive organs, and it took 2 years for my menstrual cycle to return to normal. Now, bearing in mind that I have just turned 27 years old, if I start another contraceptive, I'll be nearly 30 by the time I can try to conceive again. And considering that before I was put on lithium we had been trying for children for 15 months, I think that taking an oral contraceptive - or any contraceptive for that matter - would really impact on the child bearing years that I have left.

I could understand it more if I had a history of abortions or prescriptions for the Morning After Pill, but I haven't. I am a responsible 27 year old woman, and I felt that she was treating me like a daft teenager.

As you can tell, I'm very unimpressed with the whole visit. I have no faith in the mental health system of this country.

Psychiatrist

2006-10-05T16:46:00.000Z

There's just one day to go before my first appointment with a psychiatrist. I've been down this road before only to be turned away once they got me into a state. Obviously, I'm concerned that this will happen again, but I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter.

I'm sure that they will simply suggest counselling once again, which, if I'm honest, I'm adverse to. I tried one session about 6 years ago. I cried throughout the appointment, and I didn't feel as though the counsellor really heard me. I'm of the opinion that I need therapy rather than counselling. I know that they're very similar, but I feel that therapy would empower me and give me the confidence to be able to look at life with a positive eye. Sadly, I can afford neither, and will have to rely on the good old NHS.

I think that my apprehension stems from the fact that I was raped when I was 14. I have dealt with that issue in my own way. I'm sure that it took much longer doing it my way, but I've done it; successfully. Now, doctors and psychiatrists see this as a large part of my depression. It's as though, because it happened, that HAS to be the cause. But, it's not. I had depression from age 10 or 11. I'm of the opinion that it is in my genes. The medical profession seem blinkered to any other cause or catalyst, and I'm going to have a devil of a job trying to convince them otherwise.

Fortunately, I do feel strong enough to hopefully be able to explain this to the psychiatrist tomorrow. We'll just have to wait and see if they actually listen.

Frying Up

2006-09-20T00:07:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 7/10

Earlier this evening - or last night now - Stephen Fry's new documentary was shown on BBC Two. He's decided to chart his bipolar journey on camera and has roped in a few celebrities to help dispel the sterotype that goes with mental illness.

I have to say, he spoke to a couple of ordinary, everyday people who I would call 'mad'. I'm fortunate in that I don't suffer with hallucinations; at least not yet. Fry interviewed the likes of Carrie Fisher, Robbie Williams and Tony Slattery. Of all of the celebrities, I most identified with Fry himself. I believe that both he and I could fly under the bipolar radar in everyday life. To the untrained eye we appear 'normal' and can function satisfactorally under the watchful gaze of friends and family most of the time.

However, as Stephen Fry found out, it appears to be quite a progressive illness. I don't think that that is mentioned in any medical advice that is readily available, but I've certainly noticed an increase in the cycles.

Now that I know that I have bipolar, I can look back and identify past manic episodes. I believe the first one happened when I was around 14 - a little before my 15th birthday. Unlike the episodes which followed, I know exactly what triggered the 14-year-old 'high'. It's nothing that I wish to discuss, but it was certainly a turning point in my life.

Latter day episodes appear to be triggered by strong relaionship-type periods in my life. Although I've been with my partner since 1995, we've had breaks where we've persued other relationships. One such relationship occurred when I was 19. It was doomed from the start and I ended up sliding down a wall crying. I truly believed that I was having a nervous breakdown.

As I understand, most, if not all, bipolar sufferers will bleat about the manic times being fantastic, which they are. You feel that everyone you know has shared their confidence levels with you and that you're the happiest person alive. I read an article today where one woman described it as, "...being like a child on Christmas morning, times 5," and that's no lie. In general, I am agoraphobic, but when I'm manic I can take on the world and his wife. I can shop alone, walk alone, do whatever I feel like.... alone. It's liberating. Sadly, with the highs come terrible, crippling, suicidal lows.

Although I'm no expert, I'm of the opinion (and I am agreeing with something Fry said) that bipolaroids (that's me and Carrie, Stephen, Robbie and Tony to you) attempt suicide with the intention of it working, rather than play at it as a cry for help. My attempt was unsuccessful, but I meant every slice. I don't fear death, although I do fear pain. At the moment, I don't wish to die, but I wouldn't mind not waking up. Death is truly an easier option than living with this 'thing'.

What I find so difficult is that bipolar disorder is so very selfish. I'm fine in a manic episode, I just want to share my happiness with everyone. It's the lows that are selfish. It's not that you don't care about anyone else, the fact is you just cannot even THINK about anyone but yourself. My husband asked if I'd written a suicide note, but the thought didn't even cross my mind. I was in no fit state to consider who I was leavng behind - people that do indeed deserve an explanation - I just wanted out. I dispise selfishness, yet I can be so incredibly selfish all because of my mind, or maybe what it's lacking.

Sometimes I feel as though if I could just remove my brain, give it a good rinse with cold water, pat it dry and return it to its rightful place, everything would be just peachy. If only it were that easy. Living with something which is incurable is a daily chore. Although I'm pretty level at the moment, the next cycle could be just around the corner. In fact, I'm off out on Thursday night, and I can feel myself beginning to bubble. I'm on the boil at present, but will I be able to remove myself from the heat before I boil and spill? That remains to be seen.

Honesty

2006-09-11T06:01:00.000Z

Many people hide the fact that they suffer with depression, but in my experience – which is over 16 years-worth – I’ve found that it is far better to hold your hands up and admit that you’re a sufferer.

Depression isn’t like flu; you can’t gloss over it and work through it. Sometimes you just have to swallow your pride and admit that you have a problem, that you’re dealing with it, but that you may need a little extra support. It’s natural for people to want to help and they seem to find some gratification in lending a hand if and when they can.

Of course, not everyone reacts the same way, but a sufferer should give people the chance.

Some people that meet me already know that I have bipolar disorder. I think that they’re expecting a waif-like, nail-biting lunatic – I can see the surprise in their eyes when they find that I am far from that stereotype.

Others are genuinely interested in the disorder and the available treatments. I’m sure that they secretly hope that I’ve had ECT (electroconvulsive therapy); oh, what a talking point that would be for them. Maybe it’s a morbid fascination, but whatever the reason, it’s nice to feel accepted.

I’ve been truly amazed to find out how well liked I am. The amount of people that have helped me over the past few weeks has astounded me. I received an email from one person which brought tears to my eyes. He had honestly only ever seen and concentrated on my good qualities, and he was astounded that I had this affliction. I wish that I’d kept that email now, for when the going gets tough.

If you don’t give people the opportunity to help and support you, then they cannot show how much they truly care.

Honesty really is the best policy.

Lithium Loving Introduction

2006-09-05T23:30:00.000Z

Mood Rating: 8/10

Tremours, cotton-mouth, unquenchable thirsts, nausea, muscle weakness, sluggish memory, water retention and virtigo... it's all in a day of a lithium-prescribed biopolar sufferer. That'd be me...

Just 3 (maybe 4, I can't remember) weeks into taking lithium, I'm like a doddering old woman. Painting my nails is now somewhat of a challenge. The toilet is one of my closest friends. Ribena and tea the staple of my liquid intake. But it's all routine, already.

Without routine, I tend to break down. I've recently attempted suicide (with a blunt scalpel used for card craft), but no-one would know. I seem to fly under the radar with great success, yet I'm well known in my town and online. I'm popular, when I choose to be, and insular at the same time. I'm 2 very different people in my head, yet on the outside I'm boringly normal.

How did it come to this? Why was I chosen to have a chemical imbalance? Why did my doctors take 16 years to diagnose me with bipolar affective disorder (good old manic depression to you and me)? The world is just full of questions, of which, that is a huge part of my job... to answer questions. So, how come my life is so confusing to me? Yet, when it's broken down, I have a wonderful life that thousands of people would be envious of. It's uncomplicated and extremely easy. I have a wonderful husband and a pretty nice home. I love my job and the people I [sort of] work with. So what's wrong?

The simple answer is: nothing. It's just that the hand of fate dealt me a blow in the form of this mental illness. I so hate that term - it conjures up a picture of a straitjacket-clad, padded cell-living lunatic, of which I am most definitely not. I'm a person who walks past you daily. I'm clean and smell nice. I do my hair and nails and wear makeup. I'm not in fashion, but I'm not out of it either. I eat, sleep (sometimes), have sex, socialise and do all of the normal everyday things that you do. Only my brain and my cycling moods indicate the mental illness which the surface belies.

For every one person that understands mental illness, there'll be a thousand that don't. Some have just never come across a sufferer. Others just don't understand the range of illnesses. Then there are those who refuse to acknowledge that there are such illnesses as bipolar. Well, I'm hear to tell the latter types that there most certainly IS an affliction such as the one I'm living through, and it's life-altering. Imagine (and this is not limited to bipolar) being told that this thing - that eats at your mind, causes you to think of nothing else but death at times, and then forces you to clean the house, seek rampant sex, walk the dog, talk at high speed -this mental illness, is going to be with you for the rest of your life. There's no cure, only suppressants for the symptoms - if you're lucky. Now tell me that I'm a hypercondriac.

I'm not bitter... I have bipolar.